SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my wife of 12 years was having an affair on 5/1/26. She had a weekend hookup with the guy she had an affair with two years ago. To make matters worse, her birthday was on Sunday and I had gotten her diamond ear rings to kind of try to kick start the relationship again. She said she had to work and wouldn't be able to see me but she'd see me Monday morning. Long story short, she was busted dead to rights and still spent the weekend with him.

So now she's home and apartment hunting. We haven't really talked and she's spending the nights in the RV we have on property while I'm in the house. So we're stuck as scorned lover and soon to be ex-wife until she can find a place and she's not finding anything nice and/or affordable. I've known this woman since we were in 9th grade, that's 40 years! And overnight it feels like I don't know who she is and I don't know what to do.

Do I need to stop this? Do I need to watch her walk away? I'm having panic attacks and I'm crushed that I have to share the same space with her and at the same time having a profound sense of loss. It's like she died but is still in the house with me. The anger and shame that had spurred me to clean out the shed and attic in record timing seems to have abated and now I can only think of how alone I am and how hopeless everything feels. I'm absolutely not a danger to myself or other but I can't stop my mind from racing.

Am I supposed to be nice? I'm making diner tonight and said she could have some if she liked. I feel like I'm trapped in hell and I'm just waiting for the conflagration to begin and burn up everything that I've cared for and built in the last 20 years. What do I have to look forward to in life now? It really still doesn't feel real and I'm not sure what to do about the crushing anxiety that I'm having.

Anybody ever been stuck with the cheater as they try to figure out how they are going to get away from you for good? I'm at a loss and don't have any clue what to do...

Simply don’t do the pick me dance .

It never works, it actually helps the cheater not to feel shame and double down on the affair.

Hard 180, consider she is gone because you left her.

Simply tell her, you can sleep with other men, just not as my wife.

And speak no longer.
A traitor to not worthy of your time and attention.

Don’t show her your suffering now, she feeds on it for validation.
Indifference and act like you moved on with your life.

Also check yourself for stds.

I'm making diner tonight and said she could have some if she liked.

Stop this kind of thing. Immediately. Making dinner is what you do for a friend. She’s not your friend. You have a serial unrepentant adulteress. I’m not saying you need to go out and scream at her. Not at all. Read up and implement a hard 180. This is NOT to "punish" her. This is for YOUR good.

Your relationship is now a business transaction. Nothing more. If you haven’t seen an attorney yet, that is your #1 mission right now.

So sorry this is happening. the folks here have walked this path and will be helpful.

Take care of yourself. See your doctor if sleeping and eating are difficult. Get daily exercise- good for your body and your mind. Hydrate and avoid drugs/alcohol. Many of us needed anti-anxiety medication for a little while so talk to your doc if the racing mind continues. No shame is that game.

And she did die - or at least the marriage (M) did. So grieve it.

And please read up on the 180 (look in the healing library and the bullseyed posts a few pages back in the just found out forum). It will give you the detachment you need. Basically, she’s now some random room mate. Not your friend, not your lover. I know this is hard, but it gets easier.

Do you have kids?

Hang in there - you will survive this and thrive.

I understand your devastation and pain.

And inability to know what to do next.

When someone you love treats you like she did, your whole world is up-ended. It’s difficult to know what to do.

But here’s what you don’t want to do. You don’t want to let her continue to treat you terribly. You don’t want to live in the same space indefinitely.

You don’t want to live in limbo. And right now you are in limbo. You are waiting for her to find a place to live.

I think you need to set a deadline. She must be out by X date. You don’t need to be considerate of her another second. In fact, you are being too nice in letting her live with you at the same property.

Start packing her things. Get the ball moving and let her know her time with you is very limited. And it’s not a discussion. It’s the next logical step and it’s not open to negotiation.

Take back your power. Don’t let her call the shots.