SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, first-time poster and long-time lurker. My partner and I are about nine months out from D-day, and they are getting ready to move back to the same city as me. In order to preserve the small chance that we make it through this, I decided not to tell my friends or family what happened in (understandable) fear that they would never be okay with me staying with someone who cheated, let alone who cheated in the way my partner did. The problem is that my partner sexted someone and tried to sext another person, both of whom live in the same city as me. The person they sexted is in friend groups with some possible overlap, and they may cross paths with the second person as they work in the same industry. I am having terrible anxiety around the possibility of one of my friends or someone they know finding out that my partner cheated, and all of this blowing up in my face after all the effort I have put in in the last 9 months.
I know my partner is at fault here and it probably would have been smarter to leave in the first place, but here I am.

Has anyone been in a similar position and how did you mitigate the risk of people finding out? And how did you deal with the anxiety?

Thanks so much for any help y'all are able to offer

It’s very likely that the friend group knows already, so I would just let that fear go. It’s pointless to worry about if they find out, you have no control over that, and you are not responsible for your partner cheating. But yeah, I am betting that everyone knows.

Id challenge you that you are ashamed of yourself for staying and that’s more of why you don’t want your friends to find out.

I’m not judging you, but you don’t need to be ashamed for staying. It’s your decision, and you know your relationship better than anyone.

Things like who finds out, very trivial and not worth worrying about.

Trust me when I say this: revealing the truth is never a mistake. While it may feel daunting at first, allowing the truth to unfold can be one of the most liberating experiences you can have.

When you share your truth with the people you care about—those who love you unconditionally—they will always want what’s best for you. True friends and family are driven by love and concern, and they will strive to support you in navigating your challenges. Their advice, informed by their unique perspectives, will ultimately be grounded in a desire to see you happy and healthy. They may offer insights from different viewpoints, but at the core, their intentions will remain pure.

Keeping secrets or hiding your feelings from those closest to you isn’t just emotionally taxing; it can also strain those important relationships. When you open up, you invite a deeper connection and understanding. It's essential to create a space where open dialogue can thrive, fostering trust and intimacy. Remember, vulnerability is not a weakness; it is a testament to the strength of your bond with your loved ones.

So, take a moment to consider this: what weighs heavily on your heart and mind? Sharing it may lead to healing and support that you never thought possible. Embrace honesty; it creates a foundation for better relationships and ultimately nurtures your well-being. You don’t have to face your struggles alone—there’s strength in vulnerability, and there’s peace in living your truth.

When you share your truth with the people you care about—those who love you unconditionally—they will always want what’s best for you. True friends and family are driven by love and concern, and they will strive to support you in navigating your challenges.

I agree with this. Sometimes it is better to get support from family and friends and not take this trauma on alone. I completely understand the feeling of being ashamed for staying. When my xWS had his A and I discovered it my first instinct was to tell my family and friends since my xWS immediately became my enemy in that moment. I didn't care who I told or who found out. Not one person judged me throughout and were very supportive of any decision I made.

I think it's best to let the cat out of the bag. If you want to reconcile then you'll need the strength to trust your decision regardless of the opinions of loved ones or friends. If they trust you, then they'll trust your judgment. They'll also trust that you wont live in a toxic cycle forever. IMO it takes radical ownership to heal either way. The biggest key to getting out of infidelity is honesty. It's escapism, outright lies, and hidden truths that fuel infidelity. But also take your time with it so that your fully ready to do so when you do. So that your motivation is honesty and not anger. For me I knew there was a chance we would not make it. I knew that if we attempted reconciliation those close to us would feel things were not right. More so those close to me would no I was not the same. I had zero desire to play pretend normal and the honesty was helpful.

BTDT.

I will say - in many ways WH & LTAP were the worst kept dirty little secret in town. And whole people may not have KNOWN beyond the shadow of a doubt - you can't tell me they weren't throwing off a vibe that made people curious.

My life got easier years out when I just started assuming everyone know something. So I started holding my head a little more upright, walking a little taller and leaving a little more glitter in my wake.

Because then I was spending less energy wondering "OMG did they go here - did someone I know see them - did this person suspect" and down the rabbit hole. Once I started assuming they all saw and suspected something I was able to stop the Lizard Brain and get to the business of trying to enjoy myself in the moment.

The change and shift had to come from within myself. Life got a bit easier that way.

My H desperately wanted to keep his affair a secret.

Even though he was planning to D me.

I told my family, his family and a few close friends. I was not going to be his scapegoat.

Even though we reconciled I know my family has fogotten about his affair. And forgiven him. Pretty sure his family has too - though I am sure they see me as the cause of his "unhappiness".

Funny how years ago (before A) this would bother me. Now? Not on my radar.