SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 29 and my couple is also 29, been tgt for almost 8 years

Both of us are working as healthcare worker but different department.

On November, she CONFESSED to me on her 1 month PA x2 with her senior collegue.

She told me it was an impulsive act,and she is deeply regret about it.

To me i think our relationship before affair was good, but to her..she says she always feel not being understood and she think a good relationship couple shouldn't argue much.

We are still staying together, not married.

Read books like

How can i forgive you, After the Affair by Janis A spring

State of affair by Esther Perel

How to help your spouse to heal from affair by Linda Mac Donald

Everyday felt like rollercoaster to me.what should i do...

[This message edited by Tryingtoloveagain at 10:08 AM, Tuesday, March 4th]

We are still staying together, not married.

Read books like….
State of affair by Esther Perel

It’s your life, but I think the majority of us here would urge you to never marry this woman, who has proven to you she can be unfaithful in the most hurtful way. She utterly failed the GF test. What evidence do you have she’s radically changed herself such that the next time she’s frustrated with you, or whatever, she won’t step out on you again? If she doesn’t experience any consequences, and you simply rug-sweep, the message she receives is that infidelity isn’t so bad. After all, you got past it without much fuss, right?

If you both are reading Perel, more or less an adultery apologist, I wouldn’t expect the transformational change she would need to be a safe partner.

Hope you learn from the crowd-sourced painfully earned wisdom instead of learning the hard way. Again, it’s your life to do as you please.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're hurting. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are very helpful, plus some that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that are very helpful as well. The Healing Library has a lot of great information.

You should go to your doctor for STD/STI testing because there are some nasty diseases out there. If you're having trouble with depression, sleep, anxiety, ask about meds to help you through this rough patch.

An A (affair) isn't an impulsive act or mistake. It's a series of decisions to lie, cheat and betray.

I would suggest Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass as a resource.

Esther Perel had a very few nuggets of wisdom, but after reading more of her writings I felt was more in favor of the WP (wayward partner) and more harmful than helpful.

I suggest IC (individual counseling) for you with a betrayal trauma specialist - bonus points if they have infidelity training.

She needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. Frankly, don't listen to her words, but watch her actions. You know she'll lie to your face. You can see if she's working on becoming a safe partner.

She's failed the GF test, so I would say to cut your losses and find somebody who can remain faithful to you.

You are not obligated to remain in a relationship.

I hope you know you can end it at any time.

I walked out of a nearly 5 year relationship exactly 4 weeks and 6 days before our big planned wedding. I did that upon discovering her affair. It’s a decision I partially regretted for the first months, but stuck to and have been grateful for making for the last 35 years.

Relationships are hard. We might not think so early on when everything is all nice and exciting, but with time come the normal, expected struggles of making values line up, deciding on finances, family planning, career choices, where to go for vacation, what to eat, chores, what car to buy, social life... all that stuff that couples go through... can put a strain on things.

Research has shown that couples that argue – as in debate issues – tend to have a lower divorce rate precisely because pressure is let off – it doesn’t ferment and build up. The key might be that arguments can be debates that are resolved, or they can be fights that one party strives to win. If only one person wins in a marriage, the marriage itself has lost.

If your GF response to arguments and disputes is to "impulsively" have an affair with her superior at work... what will happen in the future when you two might conflict on if to buy a house or an apartment, whether to visit her family or yours, whether to relocate, have a child, pay the mortgage ahead of the utility-bill...

If your relationship is to last, she really needs to understand why she had this near-stereotypical affair of a superior in the medical-field having an affair with the young subordinate in his chain-of-command. So stereotypical and damaging that you report this to HR could have consequences for him.

I wonder how it is for you with her still working with this supervisor, or with you working where you might have to interact with him. Normally this close contact with the other man is disruptive to recovery, even if there is assurance there is no affair going on.

Imagine your doubts – and or the temptation – for you and your GF is she’s working that late shift on a quiet Thursday evening and the dashing and powerful OM tempts her into the linen-room...

There is a lot of work ahead of you. That work might include things like changing places of work, or ensuring OM is not able to impact you or your GF (by reporting him to HR). You two could recover and reconcile, but I honestly think you should consider if it would be worth it. I personally thought that my then-fiance was not

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:04 AM, Tuesday, March 4th]

To me i think our relationship before affair was good, but to her..she says she always feel not being understood and she think a good relationship couple shouldn't argue much

So it is your fault she was impulsive? Most Wayward partners know they are doing something wrong so they demonize their partner to feel better about the things they WANT to do. She wanted to do this, but had to see you as a terrible partner. Look up cognitive dissonance.

Look like it or not she is not taking 100% for the choices she made. Do you want your M to be her continually cheating and you forgiving her.

Unless she can dig deep into why she is broken and thought this was acceptable there is no future.

I am really sorry. You are young and have a lot to offer someone. Why sell yourself short? You deserve someone who is more mature and won't blame you for then not being happy.

Everyone has to happy with themselves first before they can be happy in a relationship with anyone.

Please find an IC. It helps to talk this through with a live person that can help you see your truth.

Sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us.

Esther Pearl...not good for loyal monogamy.

Thank you all for the responses.

My Gf has been showing remorse through words and actions since the day she confessed.

-she started to read all the books

-preparing breakfast for me

-make sure i eat everyday

-bath me

-bringing me to places to relax

-went NC with the OM

The OM is likely a cake eater/playboy...he is now in other hospital trying to start a relationship with another girl(which is also a friend of my GF)...

SO I GUESS I AM NOW SAFE FROM THIS DUDE

I dont understand.how can a person i see and talk to everyday..can cheat on me...

She rarely initiated anything in the room..but she can do it with a dude she knew for only 3 months..and this really break my heart to its core...how can a women i cared and loved so much, willing to do such things with a dude at work just because he is a senior and according to her(hardwoking and always have a positive mindset)

Her actions are showing she is really remorseful...but i feel as if...i cant really trust anyone fully again..

[This message edited by Tryingtoloveagain at 11:15 AM, Wednesday, March 5th]

HE isn’t the problem.

In both men and women you have what you call "playboys". People that send out signals and are sensitive to responses. If they get a response they move in. Sometimes they hook someone, sometimes they don’t. They then just move on.
It’s a lot like fishing. You cast your lure into an area hoping for a bite. You get a nibble and you cast again in the same area. If you catch something... great. If not you move on. I guess the average angler casts 1000 times for each nibble, and 5000 times for each catch.

Your GF both nibbled and then bit on the hook.

She is going to encounter dozens if not hundreds of situations where a lure is cast in her direction. If you are open to notice them then chances are you too get an occasional lure cast in your direction. Only... most of us that are in a relationship ignore it to the point where we don’t notice it.

This "playboy" might have moved on, but what about the next young intern, the next doctor with a god-complex, the next EMS with the fit body...

She needs to assure you she’s not nibbling around or even has her eyes open to temptation.

I'm the ws here
I didnt intend to blame my bf for my wrongdoings. Yes I did tell that I felt that I was not being understood much before this (we were having some discussions to reflect our relationship pre affair). But I never thought to blame him for my wrongdoings.. I know it's entirely my fault and my responsibility for this to happen. Nothing can justify it. I'm fully responsible for the choice I have made. We went for counselling session and my bf was told by the counsellor that he was also responsible for this matter. Immediately I reassure him repeatedly that it's not true and he didn't do anything wrong to cause this to happen. It's all my fault.

I'm replying to this post not to defend myself. I know I have done something very very wrong that I have hurt and damaged my bf so badly. (Not just hurt and damage, I think no words can describe how much pain inflicted on him). I'm writing to ask for advice and help on what else I can do to change and improve myself to be a safe partner.
I really committed to do the changes and I'm willing to do everything in my power so that my bf can recover.

These are the things that I have been doing since D-day.

- deep reflection daily most of the time to find out my problem, my bad behaviour, my bad attitude, my wrong concepts that contribute to this issue and trying my best to tackle each of my problems
- allow him space to vent and express his feelings all day even when during work, I try my best to reply and respond to him as soon as possible
- patiently and honestly in answering all the questions he asks everyday
- listen non defensively, attentively, be patient with him
- allow him to access my phone at anytime
- take care of him, cook for him, make sure he eats and drinks
- do house chores so that our place is clean and comfortable for him (which I didn't do that regularly previously)
- understand and prioritise his main love language: quality of time, spending more time together and more attention to him
- no more social media
- not doing work related things at home after work, spend more time with him
- patience to my bf, not rushing him to recover
- no contact with Ap at all
- set good boundaries with others
- read up more self help books
- went to counsellor to seek help

I would really appreciate if anyone can give me more advice on what else I can do to help my bf.
Im willing to do whatever it takes to help him.
Thank you so much and I'm really really sorry.

We can move it to general...i am ok with it.thankyou

  Moving to General

No kids, no house, no business. Break up.

To me a KEY factor to recovery for you two would be the following:

You both need to figure out why you have been content or limited your relationship to bf/gf for eight years. Is there stagnation? Aren’t you two moving along as a couple? Is there already a weariness in the relationship?
There is no (and should be no) automatic process of dating, relationship, marriage or anything like that, but neither should there be an automatic assumption that being together for seven years means you need to be together for the eight, or ninth, or tenth...

I’m NOT suggesting you go and marry. In fact you shouldn’t do anything of that nature until you both feel like you have gotten over the hardest hurdle of this infidelity. That’s probably a minimum of 2 years.

--
You Foolishp (I won’t degrade you by using your full user-name. I believe in redemption, and I respect a WS that acknowledges their accountability...) really have to evaluate what led you down this road.
There is SOMETHING. It wasn’t an accident or just happened – all along the path you had options of deciding something else, yet you went along. MAYBE it’s you having decided your present relationship is dead-ended. If so – acknowledge it and decide what you want. Not out of guilt but because you know what you want. I get wanting to make up for the pain, but it would be immensely better for both of you to move on if you aren’t BOTH 100% committed.
You can decide to split ways, and despite leaving him wounded and possibly not thinking positively of you then he will recover – as will you.

IF you decide you want to reconcile... you really need to realize what led you down this path. And it isn’t a "mistake" or "I don’t know". If you stick to those excuses chance are you are doomed for a repeat.

--
You Trying... you too have to dig deep. Other than "winning" her back and reclaiming it. Why do you want to remain with her? Remember that for years you have been arguing and she has shown an ability to act in such a wrong way. As others have said: failed the GF test. Keep in mind that IF you decide to remain together, it’s 1-2 years of recovery when stuff like getting married, having a kid, making a joint purchase... don’t make sense.

--
Both: Stroking and backrubs and being submissive wont fix things. You two need to talk about your hopes, wants, needs and future. Why were you arguing? Argument is fine – as long as it is a debate with a purpose, but if it’s for one of you to win, then the relationship loses. Maybe couples therapy?

FoolishPig and Tryingtoloveagain, you both need to call off the wedding, at least for now. There's no justifiable reason to continue on this course knowing the damage that's been caused to your relationship. A marriage is a legal agreement, and he may never truly be able to recover from this betrayal of trust. He might not even know it yet, but he's going to think about this every single day for the rest of his life. It doesn't go away. Sometimes it's just there, sometimes it's gutting you from the inside out. He may conclude that he tried his best, but reconciliation isn't working and he wants to part ways. That's a lot harder and more expensive to do once you're married.

Pig, if you really love him, you'll do this for him to give him time to decide if he wants to commit to you or not. Tryingtoloveagain, you should really take this opportunity to slow things down and breathe. You're going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for a MINIMUM of two to five painful years. Make sure you're eating and getting physical exercise. Avoid alcohol and destructive decisions.

I dont understand.how can a person i see and talk to everyday..can cheat on me...

Your GF has to answer that for you. The best place is in IC not MC. The relationship did not make the decision to be unfaithful.

I think IC would be good for you too. It helps for an objective person point things out we have trouble seeing ourselves.

Again, sorry. R is A LOT of work and not every relationship can or should be saved.

What is familar can feel safe, but that isn't always the case. Think hard on that. Is the draw the familiarity hoping that it is safe?

At this early stage keep all options on the table and find an IC to help you process.

I am really grateful for all the replies and suggestions.thankyou

We have been going for IC starting the second week of DD, mostly for me..and she only had 2 sessions so far.

My IC suggested me to offer forgiveness on the third session(about second month from DD), which i did right after the session.verbally i told her, I forgive you..but all these felt like "cheap forgiveness" to me...but that doesn't stop the pain..

1 year before she cheat...she did ask for breakup for three times..

1st time was when I jokingly ask if I can try smoking..(just a few puffs..i knew the side effect of smoking)

2nd time was when I told some stupid jokes that i think is funny but to her it sounds sarcastic..

And 3rd time was when she was so focusing on her goals her exams, her career and there are days where I beg for her attention...i even texted her " I dont want to be the one suffering the absence", I lost control one time , and shouted at her " fuck your goals"...she told me this statement buried deep in her...and made her dont feel loved even though i did apologize sincerely afterwards..

Before her A, after work...she will be sitting infront of computer and start reading for exams.i think the OM had the opportunity here for showing his skills and knowledge here..they call each other infront of me and even video call once just for education purposes...

And the A happens during a course for education purposes and during one night when I worked night shift and the OM comes and bring her out.

My workload is so f*cked up...collapsing medical system..and multiple night shifts..

She has been truly remorseful since she confessed,and has been accompanying me for night shifts since then

I can see she is remorseful and trying to make a change for now...

But what about 5 years, or 20-30 years from now...

Felt like the Naive GF i thought i had is gone forever..and now I am just staying with a girl that I barely know , a girl who can betray me anytime without mercy..

[This message edited by Tryingtoloveagain at 2:02 AM, Friday, March 7th]

This is why we all believe you need to call off, if not postpone the wedding for the time being. You both need time to sort through this before going through with something that's really complicated to undo should you find you can't overcome this (and that's fine, most people find they can't within a few years of the incident, but a smaller percentage do).

Life isn't "as usual" and won't be for a long time, so put a pause on any plans you have and dedicate your full attention to triage. The relationship isn't stable enough to push forward. It might never be. Give yourself at least six months before making any decisions at all.

We stress that the issue is NOT the OM.
But... If he is a supervisor – and if he has any role in her education – and if he is already hitting og another woman in a comparable position to your GF... Have you considered notifying him to the administration?
Chances are it won’t do much. As in he won’t be fired. But he will definitely be placed on a warning, and that warning can a) prevent other victims and b) keep him away from your GF.

Note – Not saying your GF is a victim. Even if he was the most predatory of men she ALWAYS had the option to decide NOT to have an affair. But I will give her slight leeway if he’s the stereotypical authority figure using his position to find new pray.

--
To both of you... It might be a language issue or possibly a cultural issue, but marriage is so much more than bad jokes and assisted baths. You two really have to think long and hard if you are compatible for a lifetime of tough stuff like paying a mortgage, utilities, bringing food to the table, making the old car last, raising kids, balancing work/home/children...