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That 'Fuck your goals' sticks out as a giant red flag for me.

If you don't support her in achieving her goals, what kind of M can you have?

What do you expect from M? Do you and she fit together well enough to sustain a long term M?

W & I have changed our goals, but we've always supported the other in achieving what we want to achieve - even though initially it looked like our different goals would keep us apart.

Honestly? My advice to you would be to end it. AT THE VERY LEAST you need to call off the wedding for now, with your WP explaining to her family WHY this is so. Consequences, and your WP isn't now suddenly a safe person who won't be swayed by other men.

Your WP said she always felt misunderstood? Yeah well they all pretty much say that. The more likely story is that she was intrigued by OM and GAVE HERSELF PERMISSION to cheat. I'd say that 'I felt misunderstood' is just her way of trying to backwards-rationalize her bad behaviour.

Anyway, there are plenty of women out there who won't cheat on you. You should realize this.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:29 PM, Thursday, March 6th]

TryingToloveagain, post #18

1 year before she cheat...she did ask for breakup for three times..

1st time was when I jokingly ask if I can try smoking..(just a few puffs..i knew the side effect of smoking)

2nd time was when I told some stupid jokes that i think is funny but to her it sounds sarcastic..

**For context, please consider what I wrote above in my previous post my first take, and what I am writing now, my second take that is a bit more of a deep dive.**

Wow, that is silly indeed. But...you still put up with it.... (ETA: Although I suppose that may have been a bit hasty on my part to say, as it probably does depend on some further context on the jokes.)

TryingToloveagain, post #18, some of which I bolded:

And 3rd time was when she was so focusing on her goals her exams, her career and there are days where I beg for her attention...i even texted her " I dont want to be the one suffering the absence", I lost control one time , and shouted at her " fuck your goals"...she told me this statement buried deep in her...and made her dont feel loved even though i did apologize sincerely afterwards..

Before her A, after work...she will be sitting infront of computer and started reading for exams.i think the OM had the opportunity here for showing his skills and knowledge here..they call each other infront of me and even video call once just for education purposes...

And the A happens during a course for education purposes and during one night when I worked night shift and the OM comes and bring her out.

Friend, if there is anything I have learned, is that if you have to "beg" a woman for anything, then you are already SERIOUSLY in trouble. Your relationship has a very troubling dynamic by this time, either from that, or things that had already happened upstream. It looks codependent and basically makes EVERY OTHER guy in the room look more attractive than you. You are much MUCH better off deciding that you are not getting what you need from this relationship and walking away--which ironically has a way of getting your erstwhile partner to come around.

And...codependence, besides being extremely unattractive, is NOT nice at all. It is not kind, even for your partner (speaking both in this instance and in general here). You are begging your partner to meet your needs at the expense of her own desires--or should I say instead her purpose and goals in life. (I am talking specifically about your 'fuck your goals' comment.) That is not her job nor her responsibility, that is yours. Why not encourage your partner to pursue her goals as you do yours, but if you are feeling unloved, then YOU can walk too. See how that works?

Yes, what I am saying is not fun to read at all. BUT, that doesn't mean that I am not RIGHT and that what I am saying won't serve you in the long run. (To clear up the double negatives, what I am saying WILL serve you in the long run, Friend. I was once in your position with women, things got much better for me when I WOKE UP.)

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:48 AM, Friday, March 7th]

-sisoon-

Thankyou for your reply

For me, I felt like i did supported her goals by actions

- i bought her a monitor and keyboard for her studies

-fetch her back to home for bath during her night shift(hospital bathroom sucks)

-provide her enough time for studies(perhaps i think too much)

-taking care of her meals

-bring supper for her during her night shifts

There are times after work, when she would just focus on her studies...and i felt neglected

And to fill myself up, I spent more time with my cousins and exercise..

Even after her A, there are multiple nights where she will study until midnight and refused to off the room lights(yes we sleep and study in the same room)...i will urge her to off the lights and sleep early... But the solution for her was she told me she wants to move away to her friends house, so she can focus more on her studies

-WontBeFooledAgain-

Thankyou for your reply

I think instead of codependency, I felt like what I was begging for was the "quality time" with her...

For the "fuck your goals" conversation...

I am regret, maybe i shouldn't have talked to her that way...maybe if i didnt then the A wouldn't have happened...

[This message edited by Tryingtoloveagain at 2:04 AM, Friday, March 7th]

Let's be clear on one thing: Your WP's decision to cheat was hers and hers alone. She could have instead broken up with you.

You are young and have your whole life in front of you. If you have to beg for quality time *now*, what do you think it will be like when you both are older and are together longer and have kids.

But yeah, burn it into your brain: If you have to beg for anything in a relationship, something is wrong, and you are losing self-respect by staying. That, and this: Women do not respect men they can walk all over. Finally, one more thing: You can do MUCH better than your current cheating partner. There are plenty of women who would give you freely all the quality time you'd want and who wouldn't cheat on you, you have to believe that this is what you deserve and not accept any less, or you won't stay. Standards...

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:44 AM, Friday, March 7th]

The question that has to be answered is: Does your WSO believe you support her achieving her goals? I'll be frank: if my W2b had ever said 'fuck your goals' to me, it would still hurt after 50+ years of M. Is that how your WSO took your comment?

And if you feel neglected at times now, before M, how will you react if you have kids? Infants need a lot of attention, and some of it comes at the H's expense.

-sisoon-

I dont think she believes I support her goals and i dont think she saw my efforts in supporting her career and exams back then...she can take three exams in a year, and only plan one weekend a month for "us"

Once she told me that I should be grateful because "we" are staying together.(whats the point staying together when all she see after work is books , questions bank and voice calling with her senior sometimes)

her main language of love was words of affirmation..so it felt like my actions goes into vain, and what i said (emotionally) back then, goes in to her "brain"

[This message edited by Tryingtoloveagain at 3:27 AM, Saturday, March 8th]

I guess what I was getting at is that you may not fit together well enough to sustain M. Maybe your best bet is to split. So why stay?