SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well not sure what I am doing here..

I think about what the WS has done 24-7, and unsure my next move. Unsure who to confide in or what actual input advice would make a difference etc.. The WS stooped to the lowest of the low and maybe my brain has not completely absorbed. All I think is how, why, how and why?? When this originally happened I stumbled upon this group from someone's post about being betrayed via massage parlor. Affairs are one thing but paying to get off is level 10 (in my book). How can I even look at him, one would ask and honestly I am not sure I can answer that.. I feel like a walking zombie the majority of the time. All that to say, I am about to retrieve a lot of data and in my mind that will satisfy or likely kill off any remaining uncertainty I have about staying in this marriage.. Not so much uncertainty but to what extreme he was doing what he was doing.. As if more facts will even matter IDK!! HE PAID FOR SEX MORE THAN ONCE AND I AM STILL WITH HIM???!!! What does that even say about me! -Desperate, pathetic, weak, no self respect??

I guess I was looking for someone (in this group) that has been through the massage parlor betrayal, because I am feeling like I have been deserted on a private Island. That is also not meant to belittle anyone's else's pain/hurt from what they are going through its all BAD!!

[This message edited by stillhurt10 at 7:43 PM, Friday, February 28th]

If you plan to leave getting the entire truth doesn't matter. But if you're planning or want to stay it does matter. It will nag you forever. You will never get past it and reconciliation will be impossible unless you are prepared to rug sweep it.

[This message edited by Shiftkit at 9:35 PM, Friday, February 28th]

I have no advice from the massage parlour pint of view but find it interested that you find it worse than an affair with for example a co-worker (like my WH).

I remember a discussion I was having with my bestie after D-Day and I actually said if all he wanted was sex why the fuck didn’t he just hire a prostitute.

I think the issue is the affair your significant other has is the worse type of affair because it affects you. I definitely have all the same thoughts as you - I would often feel embarrassed, weak, disgusted in myself for staying but then I realise it’s all on them!

How did I know XWH was lying? His mouth was moving. (It's an old joke.)

What I needed to do was find my truth.

The worst type of infidelity? The one that happens to you.

I personally think getting the whole truth matters, I believe that the BS deserves to know everything they want to know, having said that I also don’t believe I have been told everything even though my H tells me I do, once the trust is broken you could have the whole truth and nothing but the truth and still be suspicious.

My H has cheated with sex workers and also had an EA with kissing and touching and the latter effects me greatly, we’re all built differently and each person is affected by different things in different ways, one thing I can tell you though is you are not weak, desperate, non self respecting etc, these are all things we are conditioned to think we need to feel after betrayal. I for one know I’m a million miles away from being a weak person, just because I love my husband who is incredibly flawed and emotionally inept doesn’t make me weak or lack self respect.
There’s nothing wrong with you, stop thinking negatively about yourself you have not done anything wrong.
Take one day at a time and take care of yourself.

In my experience, having the whole truth counteracted the gas lighting. Some folks here don’t care about the whole truth because the bit of truth they have is a deal breaker for them and nothing else matters.

I think to also helps you reconcile who you thought you were with to who you are ACTUALLY with.

I know I really overcomplicated this for myself. I spent a year spinning my wheels and tolerating shit behavior for a man that didn’t even want me anymore.

Read your post again as if you were your best friend. Your BFF’s husband paid for sex on multiple occasions. What advice would you give her?

I think what you have to figure out is whether it matters to YOU. It definitely mattered to me. Obviously there’s no way of ever knowing every single detail of another person’s experience, but I needed pretty high confidence that I had the detailed truth about my husband’s affair to move forward with any kind of reconciliation. If I had felt sure there were lies or significant details hidden from me I would have stayed fixated on those, and regardless, I have no interest staying with someone who lies or hides things from me.

As for type of affairs/betrayals, I think there is a continuum of sorts. I have read many stories on here that feel categorically worse than my own experience, even though I was completely broken by my husband’s garden variety coworker affair. However, whether you find emotional, physical, or paying for sex harder to deal with is personal and situation dependent. I *think* I might have found sex worker betrayal more of a dealbreaker than my husband’s affair, but I don’t really know, and I’ve known people who came to terms with a spouse paying for sex but who couldn’t get past an emotional betrayal. Everyone’s mileage varies.

That said, it is completely understandable if you can’t remain with your husband after this. I don’t have the experience to help you grapple with this type of infidelity, but I’m so, so sorry you’re in this place, and I hope others here can offer more help. Take care of yourself, gather information, and make the decision that leads to the best life for you.

I just read your bio and saw where you said your husband is avoiding marriage counseling because he knows the more truth he tells the less likely you are to stay.

He needs to realize that what he’s asking you to do is remain in a relationship built on lies. That would be unacceptable to me. Yes, more truth might cause you to leave. That doesn’t you don’t deserve it.

The WS dictating terms of what to reveal or conceal is unacceptable.

That said, the idea of getting "the whole truth" is problematic because the only one who could ever give it to you is a proven liar, a forgetful human, and a self deluded betrayer. Given the quality of the source, I don’t think we can ever get to something that approaches the whole truth, as if it is a novel that the mind of the author started and completed.

We can get enough to help us move on and calm our minds. It should have the hallmarks of truth, like believability, self consistency and not contradicting any evidence. It should be told with humility. But there will always be gaps, and there will always be a credibility problem.

I'm sorry you've had to find us. Life will get better - not quickly, but if you start resolving the issues you face and knock them off one by one, you will survive and thrive.

You are the only one who can decide how much info is enough.

I sought as much info as I could get. I thought I was using the info to gain some understanding of my W's A, and that would be, or get me, something of value. I was wrong. The info didn't help, but the process of Q & A did.

My W's answers were valuable because

every honest answer helped rebuild trust (dishonest answers would have done the opposite, but she stayed truthful).

Every honest answer helped her take responsibility for her actions.

Every answer increased our communication.

Every question I asked aimed at finding a deal breaker, and I wanted to R. The fact that W revealed no deal breakers helped seal my decision to R. (I like to think I'd have split if she didn't meet my requirements.)

I used to have a much longer list, but I can't remember it now. It all boils down to honesty for me anyhow. One of my requirements for R was 'no more lies,' and the Q & A was an opportunity for my W to show me should would or wouldn't comply.

Bottom line: my reco is to ask as many questions as you need to ask.

*****

I understand that paying for sex is worse than an affair to you. That's OK. You may be right. Both seem equally abhorrent to me.

But I, too, assert that your H's choice was about him. It says nothing about you.

And the 'walking zombie' feelings are accurate for many of us. Finding out one has been betrayed by one's partner is traumatic - but have faith in yourself to heal.

BTW, MC treats your M, and your M didn't fail. Your WS failed. Few WSes change from cheater to good partner without individual counseling(IC)/therapy.

A good IC can help your make your decisions and resolve the anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever feeling that come with being betrayed.

I am person who needs to know the truth, but 3 years later, I don’t know if I ever got the whole truth and don’t really care anymore. My WS did offer up info I never would have found out without her telling me, so I do respect that, and I found plenty more in her phone. She swears she has told me the whole truth, and I really have no choice but to believe her and accept it. If anything more happened, I don’t really want to know at this point. I have come too far in my recovery to want to go back.

There are definitely some members I’ve come across who have had their WH use massage parlours as a means of an A, so you’re not alone in that department … however, try to keep in mind that no A will ever compare to the level of devastation then that of your own.

What does that even say about me! -Desperate, pathetic, weak, no self respect??

You’re not any of these things. Your WH on the other hand, most definitely.

To answer your question, "does getting the whole truth matter?" Well, yes and no. I think regardless of R or D, any BS wants some kind of explanation, some kind of closure for the A. If you are both wanting R then I think it’s imperative to have the best and most truthful picture of the A with as little or as many details you feel comfortable knowing. At the end of the day as a BS, you need to know what it is that you’re "forgiving" and ultimately if the "level" of betrayal is something you can accept. If D is the course of action initiated by you or your WH then I don’t know if the "whole truth" really matters at that point.