SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story, sorry new here and do not have all the abbreviations down yet. (my brain is on overload)

Discovered in May 2024 that my H was visiting Asian massage parlors for over a year (potentially longer) and getting happy endings or more.. I am still with him but deeply struggling. We have been married for 26 years, he has been in several affairs (earlier in our marriage), but we have been in a good place for the past 13 years, or so I thought. He states the reason is he lost his way, unsure why he was doing what he was doing etc.. I am his best friend (his words) and he will not divorce me. I had no clue this was happening NO CLUE. We were very sexually active (very), and we did everything together, except massage parlors. He was also going while traveling for work and locally when I was traveling for work.

I am a professional, work full-time my entire life, raised 2 successful children that live out of state. It's been a long/rough 10 months and I am struggling with his lack of truth or conversation in general to help me understand his madness. When I try to talk about it, he says it was the biggest mistake, he is ashamed, and he will not lose me. He is waiting on me hand and foot blah blah blah. He has shattered our entire existence in my opinion. The sad part, he was my BFF, I am very comfortable with him, as anyone would be after 26 years, but I am having an extremely hard time wondering what the hell am i doing. Why am I still here? This is disgusting and I am letting him get by with it. What is wrong with me!!

Lastly, when I tell him we need couples counseling he blows it off because he knows the more truth that he is required to tell the less likely I will stay with him. My love for this man hurts (for me and my children) but I feel like I am dying a slow death and he gets off literally scott free. I feel like there is so much more to all of this but I have exhausted my investigative measures (mentally) and unsure what good would become of it. Just need support, thoughts, opinions etc.. I am struggling. My gut tells me there is so much more and I am a fool.

Stillhurt - Welcome to SI.
At the moment we are dealing with the wreckage of a SPAM attack, so your thread might not get the attention you deserve. Give us some time, be patient and once things are cleaned up hopefully your thread will be there at the top of page 1.

Still hurt,
So sorry that you had to find us. I was also married for 25 years, so I understand the pain of this in a long marriage.

First of all, it was not a mistake he made. It was thousands of choices that he made over and over again.
He never changed after the infidelity early in your marriage - he just white knuckled it until the massage parlors.
And right now he is love-bombing you.

You don’t need marriage counseling. The marriage didn’t cheat. HE CHEATED. He needs individual counseling (IC) to figure out why he risking his marriage and his relationship with his kids repeatedly. You could use IC to help you determine what you want. Look for one with trauma training - this IS a trauma.

Please see a doctor for full panel of STD testing. He has endangered your health. Too many here have picked up nasties, some incurable, from their wayward spouse (WS),

I have to run to work, but wanted you to know you have been heard. Keep reading in the healing library and in the Just Found Out forum - look for the posts with bullseyes - you may have to go back a few pages.
Hang in there. You will get through this. Sending strength.

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

I'm curious what y'all did after his infidelity earlier in your marriage. Any counseling or self-help, or was it basically swept under the rug?

I can't think of a more perfect candidate for a polygraph than your H. His reaction to you requesting one would likely be quite telling.

Also, I find it very irritating when a WS thinks they can do what they want and then say "But I can't lose you. I'm not leaving." You don't get to decide that, buddy.

Bumping to page 1

I’m sorry you had to find this site but you will get some great advice.

I’m going to suggest that if the cheater refuses marriage counseling then you get counseling on your own.

It will help you survive this trauma and terrible period where you question everything. It will help you figure out what is best for you. It will help you understand you have options — and help you see your options for you and your marriage.

My H refused marriage counseling and any counseling. Only when I planned to D him did he realize he needed help.

I am his best friend (his words) and he will not divorce me

Of course he won't divorce you. He was running about to the massage parlors doing whatever. Now he wants to apologize and rug sweep without doing the work?

When I try to talk about it, he says it was the biggest mistake, he is ashamed, and he will not lose me.

Well, he already did lose you. Meaning, with each infidelity, a piece of you was lost. He continued on to do it again and again.

Lastly, when I tell him we need couples counseling he blows it off because he knows the more truth that he is required to tell the less likely I will stay with him.

I am sorry. If he is serious about R then he needs to be doing whatever it takes. The fact that he did not immediately seek IC for himself speaks volumes. He is still in selfish place of protecting himself vs putting your needs first.

This is so sucky. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Why am I still here? This is disgusting and I am letting him get by with it. What is wrong with me!!

There is nothing wrong with you. I spent years wanting to believe my WH. Please consider getting IC (not MC at this time) to help yourself weed through all this.

Thanks everyone!

Very glad I found this site.. Only one close friend is aware of my situation, which I think has been another more difficult part for me to have little to no support or no outlets to vent. I am so embarrassed, I never in a million years would think the WS could stoop this low..

All that to say, the WS is GOD to all our friends and family, he is the best husband and Father, and our fake marriage inspires everyone. This makes me so sick that 90% of the time I want to bunch him when someone says that to us. If they only knew the real man or lack of that he really is.. I think the initial scorch earth phase is over and now I am stuck with what's next.. I know sweeping under the rug is no longer an option, but the next steps/approach is where I am failing.

I will add, I did speak to an IC a few weeks after this came out because I hit a very dark place and it was not good. I made the WS get an IC, because I told him he was a sex addict and for me to even consider R he did not have an option. His IC said that he was a not SA. She belittled the situation (in my opinion), but I was also not part of their conversation so unsure how much of that was true. The WS had 2 sessions whoopdi whoo with his IC, and then I suggested the next step is MC. He did not like that and has since stopped (7 months ago) meeting with his IC. As mentioned, yes he is love bombing me and clearly he is still in denial.(or is he)

And yes, the prior acts of infidelity were sweep under the rug (no IC or MC) therefore here I am. It was always easier not to deal, take care of the kids and smile. I am currently exhausted with that life, I need to approach this with him again, but finding it extremely difficult to muster up the energy mentally or physically. Oh I will include, he had a heart attack in September, they found Melanoma on me in November and we live in a place that went through a horrific storm. So having little to know time to deal with this is an understatement (overwhelmed). I am not having a pity party but more of a crossroads/turning point of what's next or maybe I know and the reality of it all is hard to accept..

Still Hurt is still learning this site, how to reply to specific posts, and the abbreviations. Thanks for being patient!

It was always easier not to deal, take care of the kids and smile.

He expects you to do this again, please and thank you.

I will add, I did speak to an IC a few weeks after this came out because I hit a very dark place and it was not good. I made the WS get an IC, because I told him he was a sex addict and for me to even consider R he did not have an option. His IC said that he was a not SA. She belittled the situation (in my opinion), but I was also not part of their conversation so unsure how much of that was true. The WS had 2 sessions whoopdi whoo with his IC, and then I suggested the next step is MC. He did not like that and has since stopped (7 months ago) meeting with his IC. As mentioned, yes he is love bombing me and clearly he is still in denial.(or is he)

I got some pushback the last time I said this, but I 100% believe it: You cannot trust an active wayward (a WS who is either still in the A or not willing to address it) to tell you the truth about what happens in IC. Sure sounds to me like he'd really, really like for you to do that thing you did before and just let it slide, pretty please with a cherry on top. He doesn't want to face his consequences.

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