SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure if this post really belongs in this particular category since I didn't "just" find out about it like yesterday or anything, but actually a few weeks ago (although it's something I have suspected for longer) and a lot of things have happened since then, but this is all new to me and I don't know where to start, so this seemed as good a place as any.

I'm a 48 year old man who has been married for the last 15 years. I love my wife (43) tremendously and I know that she loves me too (throughout all of this, that is something that I have never doubted). We've had our problems (health, finances, etc), but what marriage hasn't? We have no kids due to a variety of circumstances (some of which were in our control, some of which weren't) and it has been a source of tension for a while, but I truly believe that we are both still young enough to be able to perhaps foster a child at some point, though she is more pessimistic about that.

I am on the autism spectrum and my wife struggles with OCD/anxiety/depression. This has proven to be a potent combination at times and while things have been not ideal between us for years, I nevertheless thought our marriage was fundamentally solid and safe. We are both Christians, neither of us has been married before and neither of us has ever been with anyone sexually before our marriage.

I found out a few weeks ago that my wife has been having an emotional affair for the past few months with one of my FB friends (a man I've never personally met but who I've corresponded with for years and considered a relatively good friend). After several weeks of fights, tears and ultimatums, she has finally cut off all contact with him and now we're trying to figure out where to go from here. We have our first couples therapy session on Monday and we are both hopeful as we are both committed to making this marriage work, but we are still nervous and veering from feeling really close and connected at times to feeling angry, scared and fighting over fundamental disagreements about what really happened, What contributed to it and what still needs to happen (a primary source of contention being her hope that one day she could resume the platonic friendship with this other man that she got really close to -- even though he he fell deeply in love with her and was ultimately hoping that she would leave me for him -- whereas right now I am feeling that I don't want either of us to have any contact with him at all ever again).

I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about this and I have never belonged to an online community like this before -- save the brief period of time that I, an avowed movie lover, was on the IMDb message boards (anybody here remember those?) -- I thought I would give it a try.

I am open to any questions, observations or advice that anybody would have.

[This message edited by CatDaddy at 9:48 PM, Friday, January 31st]

You are in the right place to get really good advice. I just wanted to say that no contact with the affair partner is a must have, and that is forever. Therapy and time should completely curb her deep desire for this. I am sure other will be along soon with great advice.

Thank you, RangerS. I'm hoping that too.

(a primary source of contention being her hope that one day she could resume the platonic friendship with this other man that she got really close to -- even though he he fell deeply in love with her and was ultimately hoping that she would leave me for him

Nope, no way, no how. No contact is the standard. If the other man had been a coworker we would be telling you one of them needs to leave the job. There is no going back to a platonic friendship with him, just as there is no going back to the same relationship you had pre infidelity.

We have our first couples therapy session on Monday

Has the therapist been vetted for their views on infidelity? You’d be surprised how many of them are ill equipped to handle cheating. Many subscribe to the unmet needs fallacy and will try to blame shift to the betrayed and advocate for rugsweeping. Once these ideas are endorsed by an "expert" good luck getting a wayward to give them up.

Check out the healing library here and read the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

Does this "friend" have a wife or girlfriend? They should know - immediately. That will force some reality into this situation. As for you, stand firm on NC, even if it risks the marriage. These kinds of relations ships are absolutely unacceptable. Get the book Not Just Friends and tell your wife she needs to read this now and discuss with you with a MC who understands that no matter the conditions in the marriage these kinds of relationships are absolutely unacceptable. Your wife is trying to fill some emotional, dysfunctional hole in her heart with another man’s attention. Absolutely unacceptable.

@ASC1226 - I don't know about the therapist. My wife has chosen her, but we've both decided that if either of us is not feeling like the therapist is a neutral and objective facilitator of this process, we will try someone else.

[This message edited by CatDaddy at 7:27 PM, Friday, January 31st]

@JimBetrayed62 - No, he is single, lonely and very needy. He did have a wife that he was married to for 20 years, but she had a lot of emotional problems and wasn't having sex with him for 15 of those years, so she really did a number on him. He has two kids that he's estranged from and he himself suffers from anxiety / depression and has even attempted suicide more than once earlier in his life. Indeed, one of the things that has made instituting the no contact rule difficult for my wife is that she is worried he might kill himself over her which really triggers her own responsibility-oriented OCD.

I have already purchased the audiobook of NOT JUST FRIENDS and started listening to it.

[This message edited by CatDaddy at 7:31 PM, Friday, January 31st]

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. In addition to the posts pinned at the top of the forum, there are some that have bull's eye icons that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, too.

If you can, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful to process through the trauma. Generally, we warn against couples therapy in the beginning because the MC can shift some of the blame to you - and you are not responsible for the A (affair). Just watch out for this. Your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your wife did.

Your WW (wayward wife) should get the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. (You can read it, too.) It's a nice resource that can help your WW what she should do to help you.

It can take years to heal from the infidelity, so this is more of a marathon than a sprint. Practice lots of self-care. Expect your emotions to be all over the place - we call it the emotional rollercoaster.

Again, sorry your joining us.

OP, it may be too late, but MC (marriage counseling) is ill-advised at this point. The marriage didn’t cheat. She did. IC (individual counseling) for her, absolutely, to dig into her "whys", and possibly also for you, to help you cope and make decisions as this is so very emotionally charged. asc1226 is exactly right as to the reasons why. If you insist on starting that now, at the very minimum, start by asking the therapist if she believes "unmet needs" cause or contribute to infidelity. If she doesn’t immediately say NO, then you are setting yourself up for YOU being part of the cause. That’s like saying a woman deserves to be raped because she dressed provocatively. You could have been the biggest jerk. That’s ZERO excuse to cheat. She had every option to leave, express her displeasure, etc. But she didn’t leave, did she.

And no, under NO circumstances may she EVER communicate with him again. You must stand firm on this. If she asks again, tell her she’s free to do that, but not as your wife. And you must mean it. This is but one consequence of her choices. Don’t fall for those that say consequences are "petty revenge". Consequences are critical, and the *VERY BEST* thing for the offender, as they help them see the natural outcome of their choices, and positively motivate them towards true change.

Keep posting!

You should ask you wife why she thinks someone is friend material when they would pretend to be your friend while trying to steal your wife. Ask her why she thinks you could ever accept that. Ask her what she would do if the roles were reversed. He answers should be very telling about her current state of mind.

Now You guys have got me worried about The couple's therapy. My wife and I were already a little nervous because her therapist she just started seeing this week (I've been telling her to get one for years) also told her to be careful about finding a good couples therapist because marriage counseling can be in intense process and we'd want to make sure we have one that is a good fit for us.

I did just order that book HOW TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE HEAL FROM YOUR AFFAIR from Amazon.

The biggest concern IMO with MC is if you get a MC who maintains that your WW had valid reasons for her EA. She did not. If you want MC (and some have been helped by MC) make sure they are trained in infidelity and betrayal trauma.

Cheating is always about the cheater. There is no legitimate excuse for cheating. Every day people go through life in M’s where they feel disconnected, ignored, and unloved. But they never cheat because they made a vow to their partner to be faithful. Always value yourself. Your WW needs to work on her brokenness that allowed her to engage in an EA. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:22 AM, Saturday, February 1st]

Your wife suffers from emotional, and possible mental, illnesses but thinks she has the fortitude to rescue a person even more troubled than she. It is amazing the mental acrobats people will go to to soothe themselves. I guess concentrating on his mess stops her from looking at her own. Physician heal thyself seems to fit here. Neither of them is healthy enough to fix anything.

I worry about you. I hope you have your own support system in place. The folks on here are much better than bad therapists. You will get so much support and some very good suggestions.

This is a typical scenario with emotional affairs.
With a "good-old-style" physical affair there isn’t really a question. As a married person you KNOW you shouldn’t have your tongue down some other persons throat or having your genitals stimulated by someone else. It’s so clear. With emotional affairs... the borders can be unclear.
This is possibly why EA’s weren’t really recognized until early 1980’s, and that isn’t really so long ago. Even today there are many therapists who don’t recognize them as a "thing".
The main protagonist for the recognizion of EA’s was the late Dr. Shirley Glass, and her book Not Just Friends is the go-to book. Only... you need your wife to listen to it too.

As far as MC are concerned – ask if they know of Dr Shirley Glass and what they think of her book and theories. If they are dismissive... RUN!
It’s ok if they say she’s maybe dated, or things have developed, but make sure they acknowledge that EA’s are a thing and can be damaging to a relationship.