Skills I am trying to Master
I listed these out as a reminder list for me.
Obviously this is all a work in progress!
I'm curious to know if there is anything substantial missing from you guys opinions. Help Me Complete / Curate the List
Here it is so far:
1. Time-Outs (With Accountability)
Pause when either of you is triggered.
Clingers: Practice self-soothing. Switch to other sources of connection (friend, walk, journal) — without guilt.
Avoiders: Call the time-out before shutting down. Say: "I need a break — I’ll come back at 3:30." And keep that promise.
Repair Attempts: Normalize resets: "I think we’re off track. Can we start over?" Use this before things escalate.
2. Mirroring: "Send, Mirror, Check, Pull"
Let the sender speak fully. The receiver mirrors exactly what they heard, checks for accuracy ("Did I get that right?"), then asks: "Please Tell Me More About That"
Match the slower person’s pace. No rushing.
Speak less . Listen More.
3. PREVALIDATE and Validate First
Background idea is always: All people make Sense all the time
Start with: "You’re right"
Then name their emotion: "I can imagine you’re feeling hurt because I canceled plans again."
Check: "Is that close?"
Not agreement but acknowledgment.
4. "I Feel" vs. "I Think"
✅ "I feel sad." (True emotion)
❌ "I feel ignored." (Thought/accusation) →
Rephrase: "I feel lonely when we don’t talk at night."
Tune in daily to own body. Name the feeling, not the story.
5. Opinions = "I Think"
Say: "I think…" or "I believe…" — never absolute truths.
This leaves space for their truth. No "You always" or "You never."
6. SHARE EVERYTHING
No Omissions, No Avoidance
Share hard truths — with care.
Ask: "Can I share something vulnerable?" Then use the tools.
Make it safe: stay calm, don’t interrupt.
If they’re sharing, your job is to listen — not fix.
7. Daily Appreciation
Name what you admire — specific, real, small.
"I loved how you laughed at dinner."
Revisit happy memories.
Gratitude builds emotional credit.
8. Fairness ≠ Resentment
Take turns. Both must say "fair" — but dig deeper:
"Are you saying yes because you want to, or because you’re afraid to say no?"
Self-care isn’t selfish. Hobbies, space, rest — non-negotiable.
9. Emotional Fitness
Use CBT to manage anxiety/depression.
Sit with discomfort. Name it: "This is anxiety. It’s here to protect me."
Cry when needed. Self-compassion > self-criticism.
10. Physical Connection
Hold hands. Hug. Initiate touch — even small.
If you need a hug: "Can I have a 10-second hug?"
Affection rebuilds safety.
11. Repair with Apology
Apologize specifically: "I’m sorry I raised my voice — it scared you, and that wasn’t okay."
Accept apologies with: "Thank you for saying that. I accept your apology."
No "but."
12. Weekly Check-In (10 mins)
"How are we doing?"
Mirror. Validate. Appreciate.
Preventive care for connection.
[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 5:42 PM, Saturday, June 27th]
