External Validation and Coming on forums

We understandably hear a lot about our addiction to External Validation

It struck me this morning that coming on here to post as a Wayward is maybe feeding the Beast?

Instead of feeding the Attention Beast we could be helping clean up our elderly neighbour's front garden for them.

At the same time self judgment on how we choose to spend our time seems to keep us trapped as well.

What are your thoughts on this?

7 comments posted: Saturday, June 27th, 2026

Skills List - Please Correct/Curate

Skills I am trying to Master

I listed these out as a reminder list for me.

Obviously this is all a work in progress!

I'm curious to know if there is anything substantial missing from you guys opinions. Help Me Complete / Curate the List

Here it is so far:

1. Time-Outs

Pause when either of you is triggered.

Clingers: Practice self-soothing. Switch to other sources of connection (friend, walk, journal) — without guilt.

Avoiders: Call the time-out before shutting down. Say: "I need a break. I’ll come back at 3:30." Keep that promise.

Repair Attempts: Normalize resets: "I think we’re off track. Can we start over?" Use this before things escalate.

2. Mirroring = Thought Empathy: "Send, Mirror, Check, Pull"

Let the sender speak fully. The receiver mirrors exactly what they heard, checks for accuracy ("Did I get that right?"), then asks: "Please Tell Me More About That"

Match the slower person’s pace. No rushing.

Speak less . Listen More.

3. DISARM, PREVALIDATE and Validate / Feeling Empathy

Background idea is always: All people make Sense all the time

Start with: "You’re right"

Then name their emotion: "I can imagine you’re feeling hurt because I canceled plans again."

Inquiry: "Tell me how you're feeling?"

Not agreement but acknowledgment.

4. "I Feel" vs. "I Think"

✅ "I feel sad." (True emotion)

❌ "I feel ignored." (Thought/accusation) →

Rephrase: "I feel lonely when we don’t talk at night."

Tune in daily to own body. Name the feeling, not the story.

5. Opinions = "I Think"

Say: "I think…" or "I believe…" — never absolute truths.

This leaves space for their truth. No "You always" or "You never."

6. SHARE EVERYTHING

No Omissions, No Avoidance

Share hard truths — with care.

Ask: "Can I share something vulnerable?" Then use the tools.

Make it safe: stay calm, don’t interrupt.

If they’re sharing, your job is to listen not fix.

7. Daily Appreciation

Name what you admire — specific, real, small.

"I loved how you laughed at dinner."

Revisit happy memories.

Gratitude builds emotional credit.

8. Fairness ≠ Resentment

Take turns. Both must say "fair" — but dig deeper:

"Are you saying yes because you want to, or because you’re afraid to say no?"

Self-care isn’t selfish. Hobbies, space, rest are non-negotiable.

9. Emotional Fitness

Use CBT to manage anxiety/depression.

Sit with discomfort. Name it: "This is anxiety. It’s here to protect me."

Cry when needed.

Self-compassion > self-criticism.

10. Physical Connection

Hold hands. Hug. Initiate touch — even small. Reach out with your hand.

If you need a hug: "Can I have a hug?" Make it long.

Affection rebuilds safety.

11. Repair with Apology

Apologize specifically: "I’m sorry I raised my voice — it scared you, and that wasn’t okay."

Accept apologies with: "Thank you for saying that. I accept your apology."

No "but."

12. Weekly Check-In (10 mins)

"How are we doing?"

Mirror. Validate. Appreciate.

Preventive care for connection.

0 comment posted: Friday, June 26th, 2026