SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do so appreciate the concern for the APs significant other. Believe me, though I forgot to mention it, it was the very first thing I investigated about the fuck stain. Near as I can tell there is no spouse or significant other nor use there been for years.

Your wife is still in an affair.

Your wife will meet up with him at work and they will talk.

Be careful, you may want to sexually reclaim her but that will put you back significantly especially if her heart is not really into reconciliation or she's still fixated on him or even through shame.

I don’t think making your situation harder than it already is would help you. However I think you need to really understand how hard it really is...

Regarding her job and her ongoing work there. Here are some issues and questions:

What is their work-relationship? Is he in any way her superior?

Somehow they met and managed to find a connection at work.
My experience – both in real-life and on this site – is that people hooking up at work think nobody knows. They think nobody notices the glances, the touches, the how they always seem to be coming from the same break-room, how they are always absent from the cafeteria at the same days at lunch, how they always let their separate coworkers know that they need to see a dentist during the break (or whatever excuse they give to go off-site), how neither of them is present, but her car is still in the parking lot...
Her coworkers KNOW.

Chances are her best friend (both BFF at work and at home) knew. Chances are his friends knew. Chances are that Becky in Accounting and Joe the sales-rep know, or have heard the office gossip.
Don’t be under any illusion that this was so secret that only he and she were in the know.

Did she share photos with sexual content? If so, is she recognizable on any of them?
Do a search on revenge-porn laws in your state. Be aware that once leaked online it’s near-impossible to stop. You don’t want your kid to come home crying one day because Biff the bully found his mom on sexymillfsdotcom. She might want to send him a formal letter through an attorney reminding him that any shared photos were for personal use, and that any distribution – intended or accidental – will lead to legal action and possible felony charges. That his best option would be to delete this content.

I know I'm late to the conversation but I will Echo what others have said. Skip the marriage counseling for a while, stick with individual. Just because you block somebody doesn't mean you can't unblock them so I would be suspicious for a long time. Ask for her phone at random times and if she gives you any resistance even once that speaks volumes

It took me months before I felt like my feet were back on the ground. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could be ambivalent if she left and that's where I'm at these days. Our relationship is great but it is permanently changed and I know that if the day comes when she walks up to me and says there is someone else I'll just shrug and say okay and move on

My wife's affair honestly had some good come from it for me. Once I accepted the fact that I cannot control anyone else's actions, he or she is going to do what they are going to do regardless, it brought me an inner sense of peace. You can be the best husband or wife in the world and still be the victim of an affair

The speed of the reconciliation is totally up to you. If she gets impatient simply tell her you can leave at any time. Do not under any circumstances except any of the blame for her actions. My wife tried that early on, said you don't think you doing this this and this in our past plays a part in this and I said absolutely not. You had every opportunity to leave if you were unhappy and start up with someone else but you didn't have the balls to do it

The really hard part for me was my wife had to keep her job because it provides the medical insurance for our family and we have three kids. One day she asked would it be easier if I (her) found another job and I said of course it would but I have to put the family's well-being before my needs and the family needs the medical insurance.

I once read that a man will sacrifice his happiness for his family and a woman will sacrifice her family for her happiness.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 1:28 PM, Saturday, July 19th]

A few thoughts about your posts.

Hysterical bonding is common in the early months, hitting some harder than others. It has both benefits and drawbacks. It can reaffirm and strengthen your bonds with each other. It can also be used as "love-bombing" by a WS as a tool of manipulation.

Regarding hand holding, hugs and other displays of affection, be honest with yourself about what you're comfortable with and want. Don't force or over think it.

You mentioned being "nasty" with her, which is rare for you. Brother, I experienced rage like I'd never known. The lashings I gave my now ex-wife are truly regrettable.

Anger is a perfectly natural response to betrayal. If and when you do find yourself feeling rage, do yourself, and your WW, a solid by immediately disengaging. There were times when I'd simply walk away. I'd go for a long walk or bike ride (no vehicles, alcohol or drugs). I needed time to cool off and think things through.

You mentioned being cheated on before. Same here. My HS girlfriend cheated on me with one of my best friends. I swore then that I would never, ever tolerate that shit again. And yet, we stayed together for about six years before I finally gave up. My son was only 4yo on d-day, which is a huge reason why I gave reconciliation a chance.

Wayward spouses often try to shift at least some of the blame onto their betrayed spouses (mine could have won a frickin' gold medal). You mentioned she agreed to stop trying to blame you and/or the marriage, which is a good thing. However, you also mentioned she was considering leaving before the affair started, which indicates that she was already half way out the door. Same here. My ex told me she was considering a trial separation months before. It took me years to figure out she had her fling as an "exit affair."

When you have your initial consultation with a therapist, IC or whatever, ask them about their personal and professional experience with infidelity. Far too many ICs are clueless. Remember, you are hiring them. Make sure they're qualified.

Lastly, have an exit plan in place. Consult a lawyer or two. Educate yourself on your legal rights. If you have a regular PCP, let him know what's going on in your life. Chances are, especially if he's older, he's heard it all before.

Does she have any sense of how she just even let herself down by cheating?

For her own well-being, she really needs to understand the underlying reasons behind her cheating and the affair. Without that self-reflection, she's at risk of repeating the same mistakes in the future, and it could happen again without her even knowing why. Understanding the root cause is the only way to truly move past it.

Can we make it folks? Am I just pissing in the wind here?

Too soon to tell, but…

Here’s some early indicators that might lean towards a positive outcome:

-Proactive efforts to fix her shit and support reconciliation.

-Proactive efforts to educate herself as to what you’re going through and what it’s going to take to support you.

(Keep in mind that there is a learning curve. It takes, even the most remorseful WSs, a reasonable amount of time to get up to speed)

-The WS learns from their mistakes during the course of R and takes corrective action.

-As the WS begins to understand the true origins and nature of their affair, of cheating in general, and begins to better understand themselves through IC, they should progressively show less wayward mentality such as: blame shifting, minimizing, rationalizing, self victimization, self pity, defensiveness, and begins to own the affair in a healthy manner.

-If the WS requests and champions reconciliation.

-If the WS self-initiates and maintains NC and proper boundaries.

-If the wayward spouse welcomes and encourages feedback and affair related discourse, follow up questions, without defensiveness or irritation, during the course of reconciliation.

-If the WS is forthcoming with requested details and avoids trickle truth, this could be a positive sign and can help speed recovery.

-If the WS avoids placing conditions or timelines on R, accepts your conventionally reasonable expectations and needs.

-If the WS is lovingly patient and empathetic with your typical BS post infidelity trauma symptomology and healing timeline.

-If the WS has the ability of honest introspection, to self reflect with healthy humility.

-If the WS proactively or enthusiastically makes necessary or requested sacrifices to meet conditions for R, or to better ensure R.

-If the WS shows consistent and sustained effort (within reason) to support and maintain R.

These are the things I would do if I somehow cheated on someone I truly loved and desperately did not want to lose.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:10 AM, Sunday, September 14th]