SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What the thread title says. I'm on the betrayed side, roughly seven months in. I'm chiller. I recently had this gift of a moment when I was able to stop being surprised by triggers. I expect them now, not in a hypervigilant way, but in a way that means when one happens, I can more easily meet it as natural and understandable and not something that has to push me down into despair.

I've been practicing forgiveness when triggers happen. (I'm nowhere near actually having forgiven btw. I started with "exploring the willingness to forgive" and recently graduated all the way to "willing to consider forgiving." No step is too tiny, I'm finding.) This has been doing three things for me: pulling me into the present, centering my agency, and doing both of those things while directly addressing the wounding so my brain doesn't get a whiff of avoidance. My days are full of effort. But still, three months ago, writing the last two paragraphs would have been inconceivable to me.

Then I had my first good day. We did. Together. The best I've been able to hope for in seven-ish months has been a day that's not bad, but this day was really and truly good.

So naturally, I had a nightmare that night. The upshot was, my brain wants me to know I will never escape this albatross, and I'm lying to myself if I manage to not think about it and feel happy for even a few hours. She's fun.

Depression peeks its head around the corner after that, and I got a massive trigger the next day. Too big for being willing to consider forgiveness to derail. Since then, the betrayal is loud in here. I know there are setbacks. I know progress isn't linear. But I'm watching my brain light up all the neon signs it has to let me know that it isn't safe to walk this path I managed to get a single foot on.

If someone came to me with this, I'd tell them it makes sense. To slow down for a minute and let it wash through. But I feel so low.

I don't know what to ask. I don't feel smart or insightful or hopeful or curious. I'm an easily discouraged person. This whole thing has been a nightmare. I'm primed to dissect downsides and risk as a fundamental part of my personality. But even I know I need to find a way to move toward something good, not just away from something bad. I'm discouraged that a single day of me doing that successfully has been met with a days-long crash and my head being back on a swivel. I guess I feel like I'm just not brave enough for this. Or my disposition is too gloomy for me to figure out how to find any lightness.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm too tired to edit it down. Thank you for being an open forum here.

Unfortunately, at seven months in — you’re perfectly normal.

I think this was the point for me where depression kicked in pretty hard — emotional exhaustion is a thing.

Your brain is also still on alert.

Fight or flight mode kicks in with triggers and a nightmare is simply your brain keeping you ready for the worst case scenario. It isn’t paranoia if you’re already recovering from a worst case scenario.

I didn’t fully trust my wife’s changes for a couple of YEARS.

When we see the safety we need, then more substantial healing can happen.

Three steps forward and five steps back, especially in year one.

You have the right focus, trying to stay in the present. It takes lots of practice to focus on the positives while fighting depression.

I was very mindful prior to the A, and all of my mindfulness and meditation was useless for the longest time.

As my IC told me, infidelity is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a car.

It takes a LOT of time to heal.

Be kind to yourself!

Give yourself room and time.

I’m not certain forgiveness is needed to move forward, you mainly need to focus on what you want and need for now.