SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So sorry about it all Gemmy.

Trickle truth is a beast. I trickled the truth as well. And even when it was/is all out, if asked something directly about the A (which I already disclosed) I instinctively struggled to answer honestly (although the truth is already out).
Disclosing what I had done has been the hardest thing in my life. It felt like fighting against my own brain and survival instinct.

One of the saddest parts when trickling the truth is that things could have been better for all involved if full truth was disclosed straight-away. Unfortunately, it feels genuinely impossible for some waywards to see that

Unhinged's suggestion of:

Here's a simple suggestion. Rent an apartment for six months. See what happens. Reduce all contact with your EXWW to texts and emails, no talking or sight. Cold turkey! Gray rock.

is excellent, although I would add one alteration and that being your STBXW (or is it ex-wife now, Gemmy? Did the judge sign the papers?) should be the one to move out- either to her parents/family or to a different short-term housing place.

Child visitation according to the previously agreed upon divorce settlement to lessen the amount of communication between the two of you.

Hopefully you and your STBXW/XW are in the financial position to do so. If the agreed upon divorce settlement called for your house to be put on the market and the proceeds split, well I'd recommend finding a realtor as soon as possible. For some reason I have a feeling that seeing a 'For Sale' sign in front of your house may knock out some more trickle truth from your STBXW... you know there's more after 14 years of lies, there's always more.

In a previous thread I suggested your wife was like the scorpion from The Frog and the Scorpion story... I'm sorry she stung you again. I really am. I also hate relating your immense pain to the pain of an insect sting but really no words would suffice. Stop giving her the power to hurt you even more. She's abusive and plainly... sadistic. Please get away from her.

Good luck on the paternity testing. Unfortunately, you will face more pain while awaiting the results with every conceivable worst case scenario running through your mind. Seriously, have someone with you that you trust when you open up the results.

I am very sorry to hear this, Gemmy. I do not have any words of advice, other than affirmations that others have shared to follow your intuition. There really are no words that can offer a salve, but just know the way you are open to experiencing your feels will provide the pathway towards your own healing. Keep writing as I suspect you find it cathartic in the same ways I do. It’s not okay today but it’s going to eventually be okay. For now just keep letting it out.

"full truth now" sure. End of January not December, so right in the conception window. Oh and they discussed being worried it was his while she was pregnant.

"full truth now" sure.

Until the next drop, that is.

End of January not December, so right in the conception window. Oh and they discussed being worried it was his while she was pregnant.

Simply diabolical.

So she added paternity fraud to the list. It's hard to imagine how you feel with this information, but I don't think I would need to know anything else.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 8:48 PM, Friday, November 13th]

So I guess she found out she was pregnant some time in March or April. Which lines up with idea that her A lasted for 6 months after your wedding. And I suppose that her pregnancy was the reason they ended things…

I’m so sorry, Gemmy, this is really awful news and you must be stressed beyond belief.

I’m so sorry. If they were worried it might be his, then she was lying to you about his having a vasectomy.

How painfully awful, Gemmy. I imagine you're feeling pretty shattered right now. Focus on taking care of yourself right rather than any big decisions. This is another deep wound. My heart goes out to you.

Focus on taking care of yourself right rather than any big decisions

How much more abuse is Gemmy supposed to suffer before he makes a "big decision"? He’s been absolutely and cruelly abused for over a year now, not even including the abuse he unknowingly suffered his entire marriage. What if, more than ever, a "big decision" is EXACTLY what would be best for him? That’s his call to make ofc, but why must we push him to keep enduring this abuse with her?

** Member to Member **

IMO, it's important to remember that we're responding to Gemmy. It's important to avoid letting one's own feelings interfere with the advice one gives. It's important to remember that Gemmy, not any responder, is the victim here. Gemmy, not any responder, is the one who has to heal from his specific circumstances.

Gemmy has been here less than a year, and he keeps getting more and more trickle truth. IMO, he's been dealing well with an unusually difficult set of As, and the fact that he keeps getting more and more horrendous TT makes it even more difficult to get to the state of internal equilibrium that supports good decision-making. It often takes a year or more for BSes to get the clarity they need to make good decisions. Gemmy has had less than a week to deal with this lates bomb.

Running away won't help anywhere near as much as accepting what happened and working through the anger, grief, fear, and shame that come with the As and the TT.

Reacting to crap is a loser's game. Acting - feeling, thinking, and make conscious decisions about what one will do - is the best way to heal.

The advice to focus on oneself here is probably the best advice Gemmy has been given.

Gemmy, It has looked to me like you've been focusing on yourself all through this. As awful as your life has been for the past year and longer, it's probably been the best way to heal.

My reco is to keep it up. If the revelations have driven you off course, go back to what works for you.

There's nothing you can do to change what your W has done. IMI, the best you can do is figure out what you want - and figure out how to get as much of that as you can.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:21 PM, Saturday, November 14th]

Pure evil, man. I’m so sorry.

You’ve got to be an absolute emotional dumpster fire right now. Don’t drown this in drink, don’t give in to despair. Get thru a few weeks to get back to something close to stable with wise choices for yourself and your kids.

With regard to TT, your WW sounds a lot like mine. When you have these conversations with a community like this, or you read damn near anything worth reading, or you even watch a coherent movie, there is the unspoken assumption we all live off that truth is present, expected, good. It was one of the great shocks of my life to realize that there are people walking amongst us that care nothing for this assumption, at least applied to themselves. And when that underlying pillar of objectivity crumbles and all that is left is self validation and self preservation, a person like I understand you to be can’t survive in that wasteland.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:43 PM, Saturday, November 14th]