SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 12 weeks since I discovered my partner of over 10 years had been cheating on me. The other woman found me and messaged me; he had lied to her too, meeting her on a dating website 5 months prior and telling her he was single and looking for a long term relationship.

I was oblivious; we are middle aged and he was a kind, gentle man, we lived together and spent a lot of time together and had a fun life, I had no idea he would be capable of such deception, both to me and the other woman.

I confronted him, but I didn't disclose much about what the other woman had told me, and he denied, deflected, minimised and lied about the affair, stating I was getting it out of perspective.

He left the day after; I have reached out a couple of times to tell him my pain and upset and asking for an honest account from him, but when he tries to reflect, he stutters, deflects, changes the subject or tells a stupid lie about the other woman that makes no sense.

He had apologised for the deep hurt he has caused me but he just won't take accountability, or show remorse. He talks about the 5 months of deception, lies, and affair as a series of 'bad decisions', 'the situation', 'what's happened'. As if he physically cannot let a single word of admission leave his lips.

I am doing a lot of research into his behaviour, why he would behave in such a cruel way? I gave him opportunities whilst we were together to leave if he wasn't happy. I'd asked him not to cheat on me, to please talk to me first and to leave before embarking on a new relationship. I think this is one of the most painful things as he ignored that emotional heartfelt request.

Anyway, 12 weeks and I am still bursting into tears, all the time - hoping he will call, or email me to explain his actions. But he doesn't, he won't, and I am devastated.

[This message edited by Lavenderbag at 5:19 PM, Sunday, November 1st]

Lavenderbag,

I am so sorry you have become a member of the best club no one ever wanted to join.

Your WP’s behavior is not uncommon. Through his words and actions, he has shown you that he is not sorry that he cheated. At most, he’s simply sorry that he got caught. It doesn’t even sound like he’s asking for forgiveness or a second chance. If I’m right about that, then this sounds to me like an exit affair. And it brings me no joy to say this, but I have to wonder if it’s even his first infidelity.

I doubt he will be ever able to explain his actions in a satisfactory way. Signing up for a dating service is unambiguous. None of the usual "I wasn’t looking for it, it just happened." No, he specifically sought out a romantic partner. The very simple explanation is that he did it because he wanted to.

It sucks. I was left for someone else too. She told me that "we [meaning her and her AP] need to see if what they had was real." No apology.

How I got through it was to focus on myself. I hit the gym like a maniac and spent time with friends. I wish I had used a therapist. I didn’t see one until much later in life, and I regret not doing so sooner. They really help. Are you seeing anyone?

If you’re crying all the time, you may need to see a doctor to get anti-depressants. They might give you sleep aids as well, or anti-anxiety medication.

Don’t do this alone. Have you told the people close to you?

Closure is overrated. My own experience is that those conversations have left me feeling worse not better. He went on a dating site looking for a long-term relationship, left you once caught and is ghosting you. I suggest you consider telling him you would prefer to never see or hear from him again. Say goodbye to his family if you were close to them and don’t be afraid to say why you’ve split. And above all, focus on your own healing.

I’m so sorry that you’re suffering. Keep posting here, you will survive this, as so many of us have.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 2:39 AM, Monday, November 2nd]

There are spouses (men and women) who leave immediately and ghost the bs. I don’t remember the book title but it was written by a bs. These people usually have another life planned.

Please let go of him. See a therapist to help. As suggested, you might need some meds for anxiety and sleep

See a lawyer immediately. You need info.

You will find good folks on here. Use their experiences and knowledge.

I’m so sorry your partner has become a coward.

You deserve better than this. He could at least give you some closure which might help you to move on.

Maybe a professional therapist is in order.

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience, Lavendarbag. My WH is also someone that people would describe as the "good guy." Calm, kind, can make friends with anyone - so it shocked me deeply when he came home and admitted to me he had feelings for someone else.

D-day was October 1, so not much time has passed, but he does not seem interested in reconciliation at all. He left the night he told me about the affair to stay with a friend and is still there. He is unable to say the word divorce and instead says platitudes like "I want to move forward in kindness, and the kindest thing for me to do is let you go to start healing," and "I need to learn how to be alone." When I challenge him on this; his response is "i’m sorry if that’s not the right choice of words!"

I’m not suggesting you go and investigate, but through his friends and family (because yes, he did tell several other people about the affair before me), i’ve learned that there is/were a lot of things he was saying about our relationship behind my back. The OW also gave him an ultimatum: get your life together (aka; get rid of me), or I won’t wait for you.

Again, just like you, I gave him multiple outs. We were in couples therapy from Jan-July of this year, and he did not bring up any issue in our relationship that would make me think he was seeking an out. We had a breech of trust in May of this year, and the day after it happened I asked him "are you trying to get me to leave you?" and he said "no!"

I agree with letmebefrank, this sounds like an exit affair. It is so deeply painful and disorienting. He was planning a life without you behind your back - no explanation he provides will even be good enough because that’s simply not something a person with integrity does.

I see a therapist once a week, go on long walks and try to hang out with my friends as much as possible. I also started telling people what was going on with me - I had tried to hide it because I was embarrassed or wanted to protect my WH, but the more I openly talk, the more I realize how deeply fucked up what he did was.

Please keep talking to people here, so many of them have been a huge support to me. Lean on your support network and let them carry you. People want to show up for you.