SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (M42) wrote this on D Day +2, been waiting all week for my profile to be approved.

I confirmed on Saturday 1/8 that my WW (F31) has been having an emotional affair with a man from work. I have suspected something was wrong since we got back from holiday in May, with no evidence as to what. I asked her then if we were OK, if there was anything wrong. She lied to me and said we were OK. I made myself vulnerable, and she lied.
Last weekend we were away with her family, I read messages on her phone while she drove. There were some pictures, one posing in lingerie. I had seconds to scan the words. Some made me feel physically sick. I scrolled to the very top. He had sent the first messages. I don't know how many, and I don't know for certain when it started. I think it was May '26, but can't be sure. There were dozens, maybe hundreds of messages, including from that day.
I asked her as I lay in bed feeling sick. "Explain [his name]"
She froze and said 'I can't'. I asked have you fucked him? No. Did you intend to? No. I didn't sleep. We walked together early the next morning. She said there has been nothing physical, that there was no single event, that there were flirtatious comments at work, which escalated. We got through the rest of the weekend. We both said that we wanted to be together, and that we wanted to work through this. I made it clear that this stops immediately. She agreed. We spoke at home on Monday 3/8. I asked for a copy of the conversation, she had already deleted it. Felt sick. Tried to look at Whatsapp backup, no success. She didn't want me to see the messages, for guilt and shame. I don't either really. I gave in, I didn't push it. I told her I had seen explicit messages. I asked her how many there were. 'A few.' How many? '3 or 4'. 4. She said, 4.
Her (gay M) friend knows something but not the extent. He told her she should talk to me.
She sent the no contact message. Blocked the number.
We agreed to look for MC tomorrow 4/8. As of now, we both want M to work. As of now, I won't tell anyone else.
I asked about intimacy. My libido is yoyoing. Discovered the concept of hysterical bonding, I understand the feeling. Don't know if she does (yet?). We spoke a little about the whys, I didn't want to push this until MC. It built up from talk, to messages. We had been half heartedly trying for kids, she came off birth control late last year, but more recently began having doubts about children. When she had a late period, but her gut feeling when it came was relief, not regret. She didn't want to 'confront' these feelings with me, so did with him. Said this was a boundary she knew was wrong to cross. Said because of long-standing confrontation avoidance, and that she thought my willingness to accept life w/o children was predicated on an inability to do so, rather than choice. I haven't cried or exploded (yet). Does writing it down calm or bring everything out? Difficult to say. I may not be the perfect communicator, but it is crushing that she couldn't even talk to me about doubts re kids. I know I have referenced my age and how is be an an old first time dad, but no kids is better than kids we don't both want. We've been married 2 years, together 7. To go from feeling uncomfortable talking to me about this, to an EA seemingly so easily, might be the most hurtful aspect. I feel a bit numb with that realisation.

It's now D day +6. We're still living together, and have booked MC for early next week. Neither of us know where to start. I've felt sick all week.

I’m so sorry this happened to you Thypity.

It’s a little slow here in August, but you’ll get great advice from the best club that no one ever wanted to join.

First things first, some near-term advice:

* take care of yourself physically. Remember to eat. If your appetite is gone, try protein shakes and power bars. Exercise daily. It will help you feel better, and it will also help you to sleep. If you can’t sleep, a doctor can give you sleeping pills. You can also seek out anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine as needed.

* you need IC, not MC. Get a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. Most people around here think MC is a waste of time in the immediate wake of an affair. As they say, your marriage didn’t cheat, she did.

* she should be in IC as well. She needs to figure out why she did this so she can make sure it never happens again

* get STD testing done. Make her get it done too. She’s clearly still hiding things by deleting the texts. Maybe it was guilt and shame, but maybe it was also because there were things in there that are not part of the story she’s telling you. Cheaters lie, especially right when they’re caught. Like, for example, she did in May. Getting tests done shows her just how badly trust has been broken. Trust but verify at this point. 4 explicit messages is probably missing some zeroes.

* see a lawyer at some point soon. To understand what a D would look like, not to get one. Get the information so you have it, it will remove one source of uncertainty from your life.

* contact the APs wife and let her know. For some reason people push back on this. Don’t. It’s the Golden Rule: you’d want someone to have told you sooner if they knew. It’s the right thing to do.

* she has to quit her job. What good is a NC message and blocking someone if you see them everyday at work? NC means NC. You cannot reconcile if she’s still seeing him. In fact, you can’t even really consider the A to be over.

Know this. You don’t have to decide anything within any specific timeframe. You can sit on the fence for as long as you want. Try to detach from the outcome, which means getting to a place where you know you’ll be ok whether you R or D. In the meantime, observe her. See if her actions match her words. Is she throwing herself into R? Is she reading books, listening to podcasts, trying to figure out on her own how to fix what she broke?

It’s not your fault. Cheaters cheat because of what’s wrong with them, not what’s wrong with their partner. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have prevented this. It’s not because of who you are or how old you are or anything. Don’t accept any kind of blame for her decision to cheat.

It’s really early days for you. The emotions will come, and they will be big, and it will feel like the worst rollercoaster you have even been on. Stay with us here, and we’ll try to help you through it.

She sent the no contact message. Blocked the number

.

Unless she finds another job this will be ineffective.

I told her I had seen explicit messages. I asked her how many there were. 'A few.' How many? '3 or 4'. 4. She said, 4.

There were more than 4.

and have booked MC for early next week.

MC this early is often ineffective. The marriage didn’t cheat, she did. What’s more many marriage counselors are not well equipped to deal with infidelity. If you intend on keeping the appointment call the counselor beforehand and vet them carefully on their views on infidelity. Any hint of blaming the marriage or the betrayed spouse or mention of unmet needs should be disqualifying.

You should do individual counseling first. You with someone trained in betrayal trauma and her with someone who’s willing to hold her accountable. All counselors should be vetted on their views on infidelity.

If you haven’t yet you should check out the healing library here and read the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

So it’s been week since you found out. How has she used this time? A few minutes on google would have her hip deep in recovery resources. Are books like How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald and Not Just Friends by Glass on her nightstand yet? Has she written out a timeline of her affair and offered to have it verified by polygraph?

Sorry you are here. Great advice already! Let me add: Always value yourself. Don't do the pick me dance. It never works. You can't nice her back or control her. You only control your response. I too would wait on MC. MC tend to focus on saving the M. Your M didn't fall, your WW failed you. There is no justification for cheating.

Sorry you are now a member of the club that no one ever thought they would be

I will echo some of the suggestions made above. Not to throw salt in a wound but it's pretty common fora WS to not disclose the entire truth out of fear that the BS will end the relationship, so the WS only confesses ehat they think is enough to placate the BS.

She deleted the messages because she assumes if you read them it would cause further damage so to protect herself she deleted them

Does her AP have a partner? If so reach out to her and let her know what is going on, she has a right to know where she stands in her relationship

I made the mistake of demanding MC from the get go and in hindsight that was a huge mistake because they tend to focus on convincing you to just put the affair behind you and focus on building a brand new shiny sparkly relationship :/ You and her need IC. She needs to figure out what is broken or missing in her that allowed her to do this and until that has been repaired or found she could very well do this again

Just because she says nothing physical happened doesn't mean that's the truth so get tested immediately and tell her she needs to do it as well and you need to see the paper results. If she says she's too embarrassed to ask her doctor for this type of testing, well that's BS in my opinion, and it also means she prioritizes her discomfort over trying to rebuild the relationship

Tell her you found a company that specializes in recovering deleted data and you want to send her phone in. If she says no or pushes back then you can assume there is a lot more to their messaging than she has admitted to

I wanted my wife to quit her job but her job provides the health insurance for the family so as a father I had to tolerate her going to work knowing she would be in the same building as her AP five days a week and it was hell. When her AP's wife told me her husband had broken his foot and would be on medical leave for a few months it was a big relief to me. Then he got a promotion and would no longer be at the school. Your wife continuing to work with her AP will be a huge roadblock in my opinion

On average it takes two to three years to get over the discovery of infidelity and years beyond that trying to rebuild trust. Don't be in a rush. And you dictate what your wife needs to do to try and repair the relationship, what she wants doesn't matter. If something makes her uncomfortable she can choose to live with the discomfort or she's free to leave

Luckily you don't have children, so if you decide that you do not want this history with someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, it makes the decision much easier.

Good luck and you have found a great place for support and advice

The day I discovered what my wife was doing I jumped in my truck and just started driving. I called my brother to tell him what was going on and he told me that I have to go home right now and confront her right now, you cannot sit on this, so that's what I did

I parked in the driveway and sent her a text asking her to come out to the truck. When she walked outside I said I need you to get in the truck and she could tell something was wrong.

After an hour long conversation wherein my wife just sat there with her arms folded, shooting daggers at me with her eyes, and not one ounce of empathy in her voice, I was convinced she had an exit plan in play and I just got lucky and stumbled into it so I said I guess there's nothing else to talk about

Long story short, we had our first MC session with our second MC, the first was absolutely useless, and she asked my wife how did you feel during the conversation to which my wife replied I felt unsafe. I quickly chimed in and said she was never unsafe, I was never out of control, I wasn't yelling or Screaming or calling her names, we had a conversation.

My wife said she felt confined because we were in the truck and wished we could have had the conversation elsewhere to which I replied we had the conversation in the truck so the children would not hear us. Our MC had the balls to ask me if I thought I should apologize to my wife for making her feel unsafe and I said absolutely not because she was never unsafe. The MC got a little upset and pushed back harder so I pushed back even harder and she pushed back and I drew a line in the sand with my tone and said I will not apologize for having the conversation in a place where our children would not hear it

And this is why MC from the get-go is a huge mistake because both people's emotions are on overdrive. Skip the MC

Thank you all for the responses. Just the thought of someone else thinking about you means so much right now. Since I wrote this we have spoken and already agreed IC would be beneficial for both of us. We booked the MC in a bit of a manic daze, trying to do something more than nothing. It's already paid for so we'll go but thank you for the advice re IC first. I am probably a prime candidate anyway, have long had self esteem issues, we moved house just after getting married closer to her work (I know...) and I am completely remote working, and have put so much of my self worth into our relationship, and have no local in person support whatsoever.

I don't know if the AP has a partner, nor how I would even start finding out about them.

Life feels so busy right now, my brother is getting married in a few weeks, I can't imagine not going with my wife, he would be one of the few people I could talk to but I just can't put this on him at this time.

Jumping to MC is often a mistake as many counselors do not understand the betrayal and trauma of infidelity.

I’m sorry you had to endure that conversation.

I hope your wife WB1430 is helping to make amends and actively participating in the R process.

I don't know if the AP has a partner, nor how I would even start finding out about them.

It’s concerning that you don’t already have this information from your wayward wife. Since it’s not yet dawned on her you should explain that a commitment to transparency will be required to rebuild trust. You should have access to all of her devices and accounts with passwords for everything and tracking with no resentment or hesitation anytime you need to check. No more secrets and privacy is for the bathroom.

That’s not to say you should be acting as her warden for the rest of your lives, but for now every time you check and confirm she’s telling the truth a little bit of trust is confirmed.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 5:07 PM, Friday, August 7th]

I wouldn’t talk to your wife about whether AP has a partner or not. Start with google and go from there.

One of the benefits of not telling your WW is that when you do contact the OBS, your WW’s reaction (or lack thereof) will tell you whether they’re still in contact and where her head’s at. I.e., if she’s mad at you for "destroying someone’s marriage" or whatever, you will realize that she is not remorseful and protecting her AP.

Another pitfall is that your WW could tip AP off. AP could then either intercept your messages, or paint you as a crazy jealous husband.

We booked the MC in a bit of a manic daze, trying to do something more than nothing. It's already paid for so we'll go but thank you for the advice re IC first.

Be careful here. There are some marriage counselors who know their stuff and can actually help the situation, but far more often than not the focus is on saving the marriage at all costs. If that includes blaming unmet needs, the marriage, or even the betrayed spouse they will go that route and it can be even more damaging than good.

You need to knownthis isn't your fault. There is never, ever a justification for infidelity. No matter what shape a marriage is in it is never fixed by bringing a third person into it. Never. There are always other options. She had many choices. She could have talked to you about what's bothering her. Opened up and been honest. Or even tell you she wants a divorce if she was truly unhappy. While the latter might not be desirable, it's still better and more honest than flat out cheating, and would have given you an opportunity to try and work things out. Divorce is not a fast process and can be paused or dropped at any time until finalized.

One other thing, and it's been touched on already. Cheaters lie. All cheaters lie. They have to to conduct an affair. It comes with the territory. It's very, very rare for a wayward spouse to disclose the whole truth upon discovery. Facts are often omitted, minimized or entirely fabricated. If there was opportunity for things to get physical they most likely did.

None of us here know if that's the case with your wife, but experience from seeing thousands of these stories tells us that you might want to brace yourself for some unpleasant revelations. I hope this isn't the case, but just know that it's very common. If you found out early it's possible she's telling the truth and they didn't get physical. I would not bet my life in it tho. I know that's going to be hard to read, but collective experience and wisdom on this site tells us that you might want to be prepared for more. They usually only admit to what you already know. Her deleting everything is not a good sign.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but this is a good group of folks who know what you're going through. Stick around and keep posting. We'll do our best to help you through this. Ask any questions or just use us to vent to if you need it. You're not alone and you're being heard.

Please take this advice. Do NOT go to see a normal therapist. They very often hurt the situation much more. You need to find a betrayal trauma specialist. They are out there.

Go to youtube and search Dr. Jake Porter and start watching his content.

I am so sorry. Keep posting here. Lots of good people with lots of wisdom.

Good luck brother. Very early days, don't make any rush decisions yet either way is my advice.

Yep, as others mentioned, there's almost a 100% chance she's still lying or hiding something, so the more truth you can get out of her now, the faster you both will be able to start moving forward. The more she hides and lies about, the longer things drag on, so try to prepare yourself mentally.

One thing that doesn't get mentioned a lot from what I've seen is a common expectation that the betraying spouse / partner is actually going to stop contact when they get busted. That's very unlikely I think, unless you busted them very very early in the process of cheating. Often times, the relationship has been building for months or years. However long the affair has been happening is a partial indicator of how long it's going to take to recover - e.g. a 3 year hidden affair is going to have a lot longer recovery period than a one-time drunk mistake at a party.

Take care of YOU. No matter what she or your new marriage counselor say to you - remember this: YOU DID NOTHING TO MAKE HER CHEAT ON YOU. You could have been a miserable POS most of your marriage but that still doesn't give a spouse the right to cheat. Don't let them conflate the two things.

I'm 9 months in and it's rocky but I'm steadfast in my trust in God that he will heal our marriage. I encourage you to find a men's group at your local church or somewhere so you can get some support during this time. I will be praying for you friend.

Brother, the chance that this situation is as presented is low, low, low. For instance, her relief at the return of her period may very well be that there is a chance that the child was not yours.

I'm sorry but the evidence of the depth of her betrayal was likely in those messages. It would have been to your advantage to screenshot them before mentioning anything to her. If I found that my wife has or once had Whatsap on her phone would be evidence of an affair to me. There is no reason to use an alternate messaging app other than to hide the communication. Android phones use the provider's texting provision, allowing the account owner to see the message activity. Apple phones and all the 3rd party messaging apps don't.

My wife and I know each other's pattern unlock and have free access to each other's devices. As long as it remains so, I'm pretty confident that there is no illicit activity. If that changes suddenly, red alert. We've been together 38 years with only one period of time, before we were official, where I know things were not as presented and a small chance that one relationship may have spilled over into our life together. That's a long time ago. But it's enough that the mere whiff of betrayal now, would set me off on a path to D.

[This message edited by Onceasailor at 9:43 PM, Friday, August 7th]

Brother, I've been thinking about your situation a lot and I want to share some things that I believe matter here. Right now you're getting words with no actions — that's not remorse, that's damage control.

1. Demand a complete written timeline. Tell her: "I need a complete written timeline — when it started, who he is, how many affairs there have been, what personal details about our life were shared, and what money was spent. This is a requirement for me to even consider staying, not a negotiation." If she leaves out his identity, she is choosing his anonymity over your healing. A genuinely remorseful spouse writes it without being begged. One who delays, minimizes, or protects him is still protecting the affair.

2. Expect the truth to come out in pieces — and don't accept it. First versions of the story are almost always incomplete. Every new lie you catch later resets the clock on your healing, and she needs to understand that.

3. Actions, not words. Real remorse looks like: full transparency (phone, passwords, location) offered without you asking, a written no-contact message to the guy that you watch her send, answering every question without anger or defensiveness, and getting into individual counseling to figure out why she did this. "I'm sorry, can we move on" is not remorse.

4. Get STD tested. Non-negotiable, regardless of what she claims happened.

5. See a lawyer — just to know your options. Knowledge isn't filing. You can't make a real decision from a position of ignorance and fear.

6. Once you learn who he is, find out if he has a wife or girlfriend. If he does, she deserves to know. She's the one person with equal stakes in this, and telling her kills the affair's secrecy for good. This is another reason his identity can't stay hidden.

7. Don't compete for your own wife. Don't rush to reconcile because you're scared of losing the marriage — the marriage as you knew it is already gone. Take months, not days, to decide anything.

8. Skip marriage counseling for now. It's worthless while she's still hiding things. She needs individual counseling first. You deserve your own too — this is trauma, and it's not weakness to treat it that way.

9. Take care of your body. Eat, sleep, hydrate, lift, walk. The first weeks are survival mode and your body will try to quit on you.

One last thing: you did nothing to cause this. Whatever problems the marriage had, she had a hundred honest options and chose betrayal. That's on her. I'm here whenever you need me — day or night.