I have posted before about finding out about my WS affair and what to do with reconciliation or divorce.
The truth is that while she had a physical affair (multiple times with an old University friend), after reading through this forum a lot I realise I was having emotional affairs for a long time - watching porn; webcams, speaking on sex sites.
I knew that it was a problem... I didn't seek help for it and I didn't confide in my wife.
I cannot help now but look at my actions and see how it led to the affair my Wife ultimately committed and led to her feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts - I feel unspeakably guilty.
I didn't commit anything physical; but I know I cheated - I just didn't get found out. There were times over the years where we would talk about porn and have a heart to heart where things improved and for a long period - a number of years - I was 'good' in not going on webcam sites or having emotional affairs. I think I lapsed after the birth of our child and that triggered my wife's depression.
I am saying all this as I am now reflecting on the outcome of the affair; we have been through MC and IC - my wife wants to R and has put a lot of effort in. We have been open about everything; I have said about my own actions and how I feel guilt towards having caused this situation.
Even knowing all this....and knowing how I contributed to where my life is now; with a wife that has worked and wants to R and a lovely family with a loving daughter.... I still deep down don't want to really reconcile.
I am a coward. I don't want to put the work in to not watch porn. I don't want my life to be defined by having to put 'controls' in place to make sure I don't watch porn, if on a night out don't flirt with another woman. I know how this makes me sound and some reading here may be disgusted but I am trying to own who I am as a person and ultimately who I want to be.
I have applied for Divorce and my wife has asked me where I see my life in the future. Honestly I don't see myself with anyone - I would rather be on my own and just live my life as I want to - not beholden to anyone.
Am I broken? Am I still dealing with the aftermath of the affair and this is just me trying to protect myself? Sometimes I feel like I have tried to reconcile as much as I can - other times I know in my heart that I haven't tried enough and it's because I don't really want to change.
I have tried to be as open and honest to my wife about this as I can...and she is still wanting to Reconcile. I think I must be mad
