SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am saying that when there isn’t, but the decision of the betrayed spouse is to reconcile without it, and that decades have passed there might be a point that full knowledge becomes irrelevant. This does not apply to people 1 year, 5 years, 10 years out for memories are a little bit still in tacked. But 30 out like 31RS’s wife and my wife 33 years out, are foggy at best. To demand and expect truth when it is no longer available is, in my opinion a waste of valuable time and energy. I want to know who the woman I am married to now more than I want to know who the woman was that I didn’t know she was when I married her.

Fair enough.

31RS, your wife refusing MC because of what might happen is a bit weak. I mean, if you guys try it and it doesn’t help, or if it devolves into berating her, then she can decline to go back.

You should go to IC. Those emotions are in there. The risk you run is that one day they come exploding out you in an uncontrolled environment and you won’t have any of the coping skills or strategies necessary to manage them.

You should go to IC. Those emotions are in there.

The "should" word is always a difficult/uneasy word to use here at SI. However, in this case I support Letmebefrank. I would suggest you consider that you "should" be more concerned about your well being if you don't go to IC. I know, the kettle calling the pot black.

Asterisk

Letmebefrank & Asterisk,

I’m strongly considering IC even after all these years. Thought I might dip my toe in the water with online IC and maybe evolve to in person IC.

My wife thinks I’m pain shopping being on this forum and considering IC. She also thinks I can’t heal if I’m reading about other people going through the same situations but as everyone in here knows it’s just the opposite! She has no clue how badly her betrayal affected me and still haunts me to this day!

I don’t expect her to go to any counseling, she’s adamant about not going.

My wife thinks I’m pain shopping being on this forum and considering IC. She also thinks I can’t heal if I’m reading about other people going through the same situations

I know you are aware of it, pain shopping is a real thing. When speaking to other betrayed spouses and that question or warning is giving, that is a reasonable and helpful question. A betrayed spouse probably should always be on the alert because, most of us have done it.

However, when a wayward spouse poses that question to their betrayed spouse, the reason for the question needs further examination. Is the wayward asking out of concern for something they are observing? Or are is the question more avoidant behavior that they are now asking you to participate?

I am not stating your wife is doing that, just asking questions for consideration.

And you are right, betrayeds that have spent time here will support the idea that SI has a great deal to offer both the betrayed and the waywards. And the waywards, to my pleasant surprise, were some of the most helpful to me.

Asterisk

Asterisk, I think the reason my wife said I’m pain shopping when on this forum is because before my trigger a couple of years ago we didn’t talk at all about her betrayal, we went on with life like it never happened.

So when I was triggered I needed answers to very painful questions and didn’t know where to go to get those answers. I found this forum and started reading about people like you who had gone through similar situations and I was greatly comforted to know other people understood my pain!

Since my trigger I’ve asked her a few questions now and then about what happened so apparently she thinks I go on here and find something else out that I might have a question about then bring it up in our conversation.

So going 31 years without mentioning it to having some questions the last 2 years since the trigger could seem like pain shopping to her but I assure you it’s not.

She wants to act like it never happened, don’t talk about it and don’t deal with the fallout!
I somewhat understand her because I’m guessing she feels guilty when we talk about how she intentially hurt me.

31SR,

Questions coming from 31 years ago probably is perplexing. So, your wife’s question has some merit, but you seem pretty clear-headed about why you are now having questions. With luck, maybe your wife will come to understand it as well.

Did you receive my PM?

Asterisk

Personally, I’d wish for you to be a little more demanding that she take an active role in helping heal the damage SHE caused. Her actions as you describe them since discovery paint her as not really giving much a shit about you.

OhItsYou, I appreciate what you’re saying and it’s difficult to explain on a forum. I’ve been on here long enough to know that the BS heals the BS and the WS heals the WS. Sure my wife could do more but I think she believes if we don’t talk about it anymore it will disappear over the horizon.

She’s dealing with her own pain and regret for what she did and she already disclosed everything two years ago so she doesn’t understand why talking about it more helps me. She read the book "Helping your spouse heal from infidelity" at my request and said she would sit down and discuss what happened it I ever want to.

I imagine most WS’s want to move on and put the bad stuff in the past which is what my wife wants to do. I should’ve held her more accountable for her actions but all I could think about was my little boy and I would take any amount of pain for him!

My wife has been good to me, she tries to make up for what she did but as we all know nothing can make up for that.

We have a good life together but as folks on here know we all carry the pain as either a WS or BS. I’m thinking maybe IC for me would help and she’s ok with me talking to a counselor if it would help me heal.

Your wife needs to understand the nature of your wound. It's possible these forums might be somewhat triggering, but I think the knowledge and understanding you gain from it far outweighs any negativity from it. Remember, you were triggered before you found this forum. You're not healed, amd she's not doing you any favors.

There's a very good book she could read that might really open her eyes called "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short. The audio version is a little over 2 hours long so it could be listened to in one sitting. I'd recommend you both listen to it together. Thats what my wife and I did amd it was a real eye opener for her.

What your wife is likely struggling with is the fact that it happened so long ago. That doesn't matter when the wound wasn't properly attended to at the time. She needs to get that. It's still an open wound for you. This isn't going to be dismissed or ignored away. You do need to heal you, but she can certainly help with that. She can be a help or a hindrance. Can you communicate that to her and will she listen?