SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm approaching 2 months of breaking up with my ex after her admitting to betraying me. Certainly I am not in that deep dark space where it's my first thought in the morning and my heart is immediately racing. But I had an episode this morning where I literally dreamt of her infidelity and woke up yelling. Great start to the weekend.

I really hate this part of my life right now. I hate that I miss her, I hate that I'm alone (romantically) again, I hate that I feel unimpressed by people, I hate that I have to pick myself up by myself at the end of the day, I hate that she'll never know how I feel and I'll never know how she feels, I hate that I have to be vulnerable again, I hate that I have more bullshit to talk about with my therapist, and I hate that I have to go through it all.

There isn't a lot of "why" left or questions. I don't search her up or contact her. I hate that I wish she would say something, maybe a big apology, but I know it will never come, and I cannot pause my life waiting.

So, yeah in the meanwhile I still get really angry, but then it subsides. I still think of her, and I know it's normal because I loved her. And I loved so I can love again. I'm just tired of having to reaffirm myself.

It’s normal brother, actually it’s a good sign.

Sadness is slowly turning into anger, they are contrasting emotions energy wise, one is draining and the other is explosive.

That’s your system resetting trying to find a balance.

It’s a process that both memorizes the pain, assess the damage, tries to re evaluate your own attachment and risk assess if it’s an asset or a liability.

And is also reassigning your woman her correct value in your life.

You loved her so she was first.
What you are experiencing now is your system reassigning her worth, is basically erasing her from your priorities and fingerprinting her flaws as the marker for "worthless women" so whenever you spot cheater traits in a potential new partner you know exactly what she is: a transactional bed warmer at best, an abusive person who doesn’t deserve any investment from you.

She is there to exploit others for validation. so you may either exploit her for what she offers without giving her a cent, or you can ignore her completely as she is irrelevant.

You won’t have much mercy on cheaters after being cheated upon. Is normal and likely healthy too, avoiding dangers and traps in life is a survival skill.

Anger makes you reject the disgusting behaviors. Sadness might lead to low self worth and embracing the very same behaviors that harmed you.

The healing point will not have anger, sadness, or resentment. You just won’t care of your cheater or cheaters.

They become irrelevant. You can spot them, assign a precise human value to their worth, and keep them from being able to disrupt anything in your life.

Wether you are going to use their flaws against them or simply ignore them and discard them, is up to you.

Infidelity is a marker of shame, not for the loyal partner, but for the people capable of.
You are just learning how to identify, mitigate and remove.

For whatever it's worth, I think you're handling it very well. 2 months isn't very long. If you had tried to stay with her I think you'd be an even bigger mess right now than you are. It's hard enough to get over being cheated on, let alone when you see the person who cheated on you every day. You're basically being constantly triggered. So getting her out of your life actually helps with the healing process.

Just hang in there man. Feel what you have to feel and know that you're eventually going to be just fine. This incident will be a blip on your radar and a story about a bullet you dodged that you share with a future partner who actually loves you and deserves you.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:41 PM, Sunday, June 14th]

I hate that I wish she would say something, maybe a big apology

even if you get that proverbial tear-stained letter, just know that she’d likely be writing that for her own benefit, not yours. Those letters are not really to help you with your pain, but to help her with her guilt.

If you do get that text one day, your best move is to ignore it.

I discovered my wife's betrayal in November 2022. She filed for divorce in February of 2023, it was final in June of that same year. I agree with my therapist that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. Since gaining that knowledge, I've read extensively about the disorder. Her behavior aligned almost perfectly with everything I read.

Honestly, I did the pick-me dance, but at the same time I was angry. The dance lasted a few months. The anger lasted three years. She left me for a narcissist whom she still lives with to this day. Today, I mostly just feel sorry for her.

I've felt everything you've described. I consider it the worst pain I've ever experienced. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself.

If you do get that text one day, your best move is to ignore it.

They always come don’t they?

Weeks later. Months later. Years later.

Maybe a call or a "casual meeting " with an excuse.

I second this advice. Once you get over you are better off.

Not that the face they do when they realize that you almost forgot who they are and they don’t matter anything more in your life, isn’t a sweet revenge for the evil they did to you.
Often with a plea of "don’t you remember?". Whic could make you laugh in their face and smash their ego into dust, as you deleted that person exactly because you remember what she did. And that’s all what defines her in your memory. She is "that thing". Any positive thing she might have had obscured by that. She chose it after all, so it is fine.

It’s petty but we are all enjoying a bit retaliating when it feels like justice.
Probably would taste as revenge if you cared, but they faded into irrelevance so you don’t enjoy that much.

Is like the pleasure you get from seeing the villain in a movie getting in the end.
Nice, but you turn off the video and forget all about it.

Because that’s the place they deserve after all.
You’re going to be fine friend, you’ll see.

Letmebefrank is absolutely correct.

Reminds me of Taylor Swift's song "Closure"

@aespa, Post #1:

I hate that I wish she would say something, maybe a big apology, but I know it will never come, and I cannot pause my life waiting.

This is entirely natural and normal. Part of our anger with infidelity is our reaction to this: while we are sitting here hurting and in pain, the ex-Wandering Partner (the exWP) is (seemingly) out getting to be living their life. They are the ones who hurt and deceive us, and yet they are the ones who get to be moving on with their lives, finding and meeting other people while here we are suffering. The Karma Bus sure seems awfully unreliable and probably won't be getting to your exWP at all. Her friends likely will stay her friends, and the next person she dates probably will hardly care whatever she did to you at all.

If she does that work so she is no longer the person who cheats, well you know that benefits the next person she is in a relationship, not you. So why are you the one who had to bear the pain of her infidelity that led to her wonderful changes then.

Anyway, yeah. On some level you probably acknowledged this already. And so, sure would be nice to know that she is suffering for what she did just as you are right now--or at least that she would acknowledge your pain. And a big tearful apology would go a long way to that.

Anyway, what you are going through is absolutely NORMAL. The only way out of this is through---you have to process the anger. You are correct and wise though, to realize that no apology is likely coming and that you are the one who is tasked with healing yourself.

Keep posting here. You'll get through this, and eventually you will end up meeting someone who is a whole lot better than your ex.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:57 PM, Monday, June 15th]