SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D day was just over 1 month ago so I appreciate it's still really early on, we have decided to trying and work things out and WH is saying/doing all the right things and we've had a lot of honest open conversations about things we never have before so that has been helpful. I just feel so up and down and I'm fine one day and then upset the next and he's telling me all these nice things but then I wonder if he means them or is just saying it to keep me happy it's just the whole trust thing, every time the phone goes I panic etc and he will show me and tell me who it is and let's me have his phone and he's even sent me pictures when he's out to show where he is which makes me feel better but I just feel a bit pathetic and it's not normal to have to do that. Don't really know what I want from this post I just feel a bit lost and am wondering if it's possible to ever get that trust back again?

That’s normal sister.

What is important about reconciliation is the work.
One month seems really fast for. Cheater to make that radical turn, healing and change of personality.
When things are so fast usually is no regret, is camouflage.

The cheater rugsweeping the betrayal and managing the betrayed partner (who above all would like to persuade themselves that the betrayal was not real, that it was some terrible mistake and whatnot, instead of understanding that their partner IS a cheater, is a Liar, Is having No regrets, and is going to do that again and again, just most carefully so you won’t catch them).

I tell you because if you are devastated now, trust when I say you will be even more devastated if one day you’ll discover that reconciliation was just another lie, another betrayal, with more to come (or continue).

Are you absolutely sure that your husband is changed so deeply and seeking help, accepting all consequences of his betrayal, even if those consequences were you would decide to abandon him one day?

The rollercoaster is normal, it will get worse, then slowly better. But is not worthy to ride that nightmare carousel unless you really believe is worthy

Actions over words...ALWAYS. But words MATTER .

I immediately told my H (husband) that our M (marriage) was over after he confessed to his A (affair) while working alone overseas. Within an hour though we were talking about R (reconciliation). I gave my H ultimatums and told him he didn't have to do any of them...but if he didn't do EVERY ONE...we were over. I learned from doing the STUPID "pick me dance" from my 1st M when I caught my H cheating that it NEVER works. NEVER. So when it happened in my 2nd M I knew I was NOT going to do that dance again!

My H not only agreed and did every one of the ultimatums...he surpassed them ! The 1st ultimatum was done right after I told him about it...he wrote to the adultery co-conspirator and told her he was going to work on our M and would never contact her again. He actually DID contact her though about 2 hours later when we read her reply together and because of the language barrier we knew she didn't quite understand what he had written. So I wanted him to make it Crystal Clear about what he was writing. After that he did a complete 180 and since Dday he has been a completely faithful and devoted H . It has now been over 12 years since he started his A and I am living proof that when a WH (wayward husband) is SINCERE in wanting to R...they can do it...even if it is only one hour after disclosure ! BUT...there is always a but ...it took me a LONG while of waiting and watching before I felt comfortable enough to believe that he WAS sincere.

I just feel so up and down and I'm fine one day and then upset the next

This is a perfectly NORMAL response unfortunately (((HUGS))). This is what is commonly called on here the "emotional rollercoaster"...and it is a pretty wild ride. The GOOD thing though is that even though we may never get off of it...those high HIGHS and low LOWS become a lot less bumpy and it becomes more like a kiddy ride .

he's telling me all these nice things but then I wonder if he means them or is just saying it to keep me happy

This is also normal too. How can we TRUST what they are saying after what they DID??? There is that "actions over words" thing again . My H called me at least twice a day while he was overseas...and said he loved me at every call. Those words were hollow after I found out what he was doing the same time he was saying "I love you" . After Dday my H was very supportive and helpful in my healing...but I learned from the vets on here that MY healing was truly up to ME. We can heal with or without our WS (wayward spouse) support...that is the GOOD news ! The analogy that helped me was when someone said how an A is like having your WS throw you out of a moving car...leaving you with a broken leg...then coming back and telling you to get into the car so they can bring you to the hospital. If you refuse to get into the car...you will not be able to be brought immediately to the hospital. They can get out of the car and help you into it...but you can also drag yourself on your own and get in...and that would take even more time to get you to a place that can help you heal. Once at the hospital you can get your leg set in a cast to start the healing process. But if you refuse to do the therapy after the cast is off...you may never heal completely. You can still go through life...but with a limp.

The thing is...there are MANY choices you can make after an A for YOU to heal. Each one of us HEALS differently . For ME...I got a checking account in my name only...with enough money to live off of until I felt I was able to get back on my feet. Then I got a credit card in my name only...in case I needed it. Finally...I bought a newer car in my name only. Once I had everything set in place in case I wanted to LEAVE...I was able to focus on what I wanted to get me to STAY . This worked for ME because I was a SAHW (stay at home wife). Others' needs may vary...nothing is black and white when it comes to our personal healing .

I just feel a bit pathetic and it's not normal to have to do that

If you are doing what YOU feel you need...then there is NOTHING pathetic about it and it is YOUR normal (((HUGS))).

I just feel a bit lost and am wondering if it's possible to ever get that trust back again?

Once again...sorry for sounding like a broken record...your feelings are very NORMAL . For ME...it felt like I was wading in an ocean...in the pitch black dark...not knowing which way to swim to get to land. If I swam a certain way I could be swimming away from land and to certain death. I didn't know which way to go...and it was despairing. But I knew I HAD to swim somewhere because just staying in the same place would be certain death as well. I decided I was going to have a mantra...I was going to OWN this A! There was going to be NOTHING that THEY did that was going to stop ME from enjoying MY LIFE!! So I did the basics...staying with my H and allowing him to RISE to the expectations I put on him through the ultimatums. My H wanted so desperately to do whatever he could to help me heal...so I let him . As I got stronger I started battling the overwhelming triggers I had. After I conquered one it empowered me to keep going .

As for the trust...that blind trust I had where I KNEW my H would never cheat on me...I have never gotten that back. Honestly though...I don't want that type of trust back. I DO trust that my H will never cheat on me again...but if I see red flags like I did before...I won't turn away this time. Other than that kind of blind trust...I trust my H on everything else ! My H has EARNED that trust back !!!

My H once told me he was going to make it his life's mission to give me my "Happily Ever After" back. This was after we had watched Rodgers & Hammerstein's Cinderella and I was crying at the end where "they lived happily ever after" was shown. He has truly come through with his mission and I am LIVING my fairytale M now !

This is entirely normal. You're not being unreasonable or crazy. A month out is indeed very early. I'm over a year out now and finally beginning to start feeling solid ground under my feet again, and that's because I have a rare example of an actual remorseful spouse.

Right now is a very touchy, tender time for both of you, but especially you. Don't worry about editing yourself too much. He deserves a little dose of "crazy" for what he put you through, and imo it's a good test of whether or not he's really serious about doing "whatever it takes." You will be up and down on this emotional roller coaster and triggered out of nowhere likely for several months at least.

Like said above, pay attention to what he says, but pay far closer attention to what he does. Actions absolutely speak louder than words, and they should both match up at all times. Hang in there, focus on taking care of yourself, and I wish you the best.

[This message edited by Pogre at 10:23 PM, Saturday, June 13th]

Healing from infidelity is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. This is a journey with many forks in the road. I’m a step by step, list person, but healing is a not a straight line. It’s two steps forward and one step back.

At one month you are still in the raw shock phase, it’s hard to make sense of anything right now. In a few months you will see with clarity and the anger phase will hit, this is where he better buckle up and be prepared for the real work.

The anger phase was real healing for us, this is where actions meant more than words, this is where defensiveness is not tolerated, she learned to just listen and let me vent. Then somewhere after a year I wasn’t angry anymore.

Thank you so much for the messages I really appreciate it as I've sometimes found it hard on this site as people have said he's not telling the truth or he will do it again and that doesn't help me, whilst I know that's a possibility to be told that over again when I'm trying to reconcile is hard and makes me go back to square one. I'm not stupid although I feel it but I know full well there could be things he hasn't told me or he could be just keeping me happy but I can only go off his words and actions at the moment and try my best. I've made it very clear that if I find out anything else that he hasn't told me then it's over and I mean it and if he still chooses to lie then that's the decision he has made. I just really want to work on being stronger for myself and and not dependent on him as I feel like I haven't had a life of my own without him and so when it all happened I honestly felt like my whole life was ruined. I just don't know how to heal myself and make myself more independent and love myself more, the only thing I have now realised is that I am strong enough now to manage without him if I had too where I didn't think that was possible before. I just need some tips on how to heal myself first as that needs to be my priority right now.

If you want to heal your wounds you have to be ready to lose him.
That’s the only way to truly recover and possibly to rebuild a new relationship with a remorseful wayward IF he changes for real.

I know it might be confusing in the moment, but it is why I caution you against rugsweeping.

all the,little "if" are in the end, we putting a condition, a delusional one: "if you did/do/ don’t do this, then I will consider it betrayal and leave you" as if you can be convinced that it was bad but not That bad, the. You can rug sweep and pretend it didn’t happen.

You can’t, what you can do with that, is betray yourself in believing his lies and accepting that transaction.

Rugsweeping is not true healing, not for you, not for him.

You need to accept that it happened and that is bad, is the worst thing he could do. And it’s not acceptable.
You have to own it.
He has to own it.

Sounds like a dealbreaker right?

Well because it is.

Once you both own this you are at a turning point.

Infidelity is a relationship ended.
What do we do from here?

Change and make sure that the evils of the ego are an impossibility for the future or keep being the same two people as before? One hurt and one ashamed.

That’s why I say if you want to save your relationship you must be ready to lose it.

He destroyed it, you can accept it or pretend that is not destroyed unless "if" (thus minimizing the damage done in a delusional manner).

If you accept that your home is burned to the ground you can rebuild (or leave)

If you pretend it’s not you can live among the ashes but the ruins will fall on both your heads at some point

Words are cheap and easy, actions take effort. At one month you are just at the very beginning. It takes years to be able to move past the trauma of the affair. Rebuilding trust takes much much longer and that's if the WS does everything he/she is supposed to without any setbacks or trickle truth or subsequent affairs.

Take your time. Don't rush it. You will have many many days of ups and downs. You will have times when you're doing fine and out of nowhere the affair will pop into your head. It's normal, and it will get better with time.

Has he started IC? Have you?