SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone this will be long. I debated posting it for several months because I'm worried she could see it. I hope that doesn't happen because I just want to feel better for a while.

I’ve been carrying this for over a decade and I’m at a breaking point. I need some perspective on what I may be missing. Part of me really wants to believe my wife but I just don't. Everything she said screams deception. This happened at the end of 2015. It's driven the marriage for me ever since and nothing I do helps to get over it.

My wife sent me a sexy picture l one night while I was staying up late for work. She had already gone to bed but asked if she could send me something different. She’s fairly prude and has never sent anything like that before or since but it was of her in skimpy pajamas along with some erotica she wrote. My name was never mentioned in the erotica but it was long and very graphic. I loved it for a lot of reasons but I was surprised because it was not normal for her.

For most of the marriage she has been very unsexual. To the point where we would go weeks or months with no sex. When it happened it was always really good but it was the main cause of most of our arguments as a young couple. This day changed everything I thought I knew about my wife of 10 years at that point. What I immediately saw was that the picture was a screenshot and it had "Verizon" in the corner. We have always had AT&T. I went into a panic, had to calm down and went to wake her up. I remember her looking at me, saying it was "weird" and rolling back over to go to sleep. The next morning I woke up late and got ready for night shift. I came out and she asked me to sit down. She had an incredibly odd story that to this day I don't believe. She told me she had met an older man while bowling (which she had been doing for about a year with her mom and sister). She said that he was married a long time and they struck up a conversation about marriage. For reasons she’s never explained, it started with suggestions on how to "get my attention" that went as far as suggesting trying bdsm and eventually led to her sending him a photo of herself in skimpy pajamas and some erotica. Again, my main problem at that time was a lack of physical intimacy along with a lack of appreciation. It was as simple as having sex with me without making me feel guilty for asking and showing that I was more than a roommate. She denies ever discussing our sex life or marital problems with this guy yet somehow sent him this picture, erotica and discussed bdsm among a lot of other sexual things. She claimed he’s unattractive, she was not interested in him and she only wanted his help because he was "neutral" and she didn't feel judgement (this part was relayed recently during couples therapy). To this day she says she feels stupid but didn't mean to upset me. She also claims she only sent part of the erotica (nothing sexual although the entire thing was highly sexual from beginning to end). She said that she was embarrassed afterwards and asked him to delete it which he didn't do. She refused to tell me anything else about him except that his name was John, which I don’t believe. Somehow they ended up talking again later and he asked her if she sent me the picture and story. She told him she deleted it and he sent it back to her. She later sent it to me. My suspicion is that she used a burner phone to send it to her real phone but I could be wrong.

Back when it started I asked her sister (who bowled with her) and a mutual friend what was happening. I don't remember exactly what I asked but I was struggling so much that I had to do something. The sister said "I wouldn't tell you if she was having an affair. She's my sister." That was it. The friend said she didn't know what I was talking about then later that day went to my wife and talked to her about it. My wife got mad at me for talking about it and was more worried about being embarrassed than my feelings. It hurt more than the actual affair. I lost 2 close friends that day and barely speak to either one unless I have to. I felt forced to just accept it all this time. Not much later I lost my job in part because of this issue. My department found out and questioned my ability to perform. They asked me to resign and try again when I got my personal life under control. I didn't tell my wife that. I said it was for other reasons. My life fell apart and I ended up working for her father until I finally got back to my career somewhere else a few years ago.

To make it worse, my wife got pregnant during the time frame so there are questions. Our daughter has hazel eyes. I have blue eyes, my wife has green. I know eye color genetics are more complicated than that but combined with everything else it’s eating at me. I’m seriously considering a discreet DNA test (I have access to swabs at work and could use her toothbrush). I don’t want to damage my relationship with my daughter. She's literally the most important person in my life and I'm terrified I could lose her but if I was the other guy I would want to know. I also can’t keep wondering if she's mine or not. When I brought up my questions about paternity recently her response wasn't the angry kind I expected given how heated the rest of that conversation was. It was a gentle laugh and she said "are you serious? she looks just like you". That's not accurate at all, she looks like my wife. I also mentioned we both get polygraphs so she can see that I never cheated on her or she on me. She brushed right over it twice and didn't even acknowledge it. Literally said nothing and changed the subject.

She refused couples therapy for over 11 years because it was embarrassing for her. We would fight over it occasionally but for the most part I just kept it inside until it exploded during bad points. It felt like ptsd and my heart still races when I think about it. The feeling of absolute dread was so strong that I contemplated suicide during the lowest points. This past February she finally agreed to start therapy because unfortunately I developed an emotional connection with a coworker who went through a divorce last year. Nothing was ever said or done between us and it certainly wasn't planned but it was obvious we were clicking too well and my wife noticed. It sent her into a spiral and we've been dealing with it ever since. I would never cheat, I know how it feels on the other end. I was completely honest with my wife and the coworker. It really hurt the coworker but we discussed it and she understood. She never once admitted to having feelings for me and I didn't either but it was obvious something was happening. Rumors started at work and that was not helping. It was a bad idea to keep getting closer. We're ok being friends and limit interaction without other people around. We're stuck together due to work so that isn't something I can change and we need to get along.
I'm afraid I'm emotionally disconnected from my wife and have been since the incident but we have kids and I'm responsible for the house. I love her as a person though and my happiness doesn't matter as much as hers and the kids does.
We did about two months of therapy and she quit because it always led to long painful discussions after. Before the last one I asked to meet with the therapist separately so I could actually speak. Every previous session was redirected at my current situation and hers was barely talked about. I felt like I was being attacked and I just wanted closure. I admitted several times to making a mistake by allowing myself to develop feelings for someone else but I told her every single detail. She told me almost nothing. During that last visit I told the therapist that if we didn't have kids I would have left. My wife went after I was done, heard that and lost it. She stormed out of the house tried to leave and said our marriage was over. I stopped her although I'm not sure why and got her to talk. It went for several hours. She said that night that maybe there was an emotional connection but she wasn't sure. It came with the qualifier that he wasn't attractive. Beyond that almost every question I've asked has gotten no answer. Things as simple as how long were they talking. Days weeks months? No memory of that, how did they got on the topic of our marriage? No memory. It made no sense.
She’s recently agreed go back after about a month of not but is very hesitant. We'll see the therapist again next week.
Lately we're having so much sex that it's kind of weird. From once a month to 3 or 4 times a week. She said it's because she feels like it's the only thing we connect on right now. For years I've had to take Ed meds because I struggle with the feelings of betrayal. Its humiliating and I know it's a mental block but I can't overcome it. She also changed the number of guys she slept with from 4 to 14 while we were talking around the time of the incident. She said she "wanted to be honest" but it was a week after the incident and not the time to admit to lying about something sexual. That always felt like it was meant to throw me off the course, not to clear the air.
I’m exhausted. The secrecy and lack of clarity have wrecked my trust and mental health. I love my wife and we’ve built a life together, but I feel like I’m the only one who ever had to deal with the fallout. She's not a bad person but she will never tell me what I want to know and it's been so long that she might genuinely not remember. The lack of information makes it so hard to move forward and feel secure. How do I trust someone who broke my trust and lied about it? She wants me to get over it and move on but it feels impossible. Am I wrong and is it possible she's telling me the truth?

It’s not secrecy or lack of clarity my friend, it’s called betrayal.

Cheating + gaslighting + blame shifting = Infidelity

Always trust your gut it rarely is wrong.

You feel like that because nobody who you cited there in your story has a sliver of respect for you as a person.
They treat you like a doormat and seems they are confident that you’re not going to show consequences, you will just get sad and suffer in silence.

Do I get it right?

Because brother, I don’t think you are wrong here.
And I ask you, are you ready to begging brewing inside you the biggest "fuck you" to everyone who gaslights you and reclaim your self respect and agency?

This is the most important thing, about the story you already have all the answers, and yes, the answer is yes, she cheated, to what extent is irrelevant the point is she has no quarrel into abusing you to the point of betrayal trauma, and she (and her sister, and everyone else you cited) seems to believe you are so weak, so accommodating that you would never react accordingly, so they do not even feel the basic shame.

They have no respect for you, is not even roommate status, that’s furniture status.

Seriously, I hope this makes you angry enough to start brewing a huge F bomb.

If this resonates then we can talk how to channel it properly, because freaking out won’t do it, there is way to put this kind of people in their place, and that starts with your healing.

That’s the first I put, talk here, you need clarity and people here can hear and understand you.
When you have clarity you will get back your agency and demand the respect that is due to any human being. Boundaries man.

And your wife and bratty sister will be crawling into a corner, I guarantee you.

You have been heard.

Oh my gosh you sound so unhappily married for years it’s exhausting. I feel so bad that you wasted your time and energy on someone who is not a great partner.

Your daughter is your daughter. Whether biological or not, you raised her. End of story. In my family of siblings we all have different eye/hair color combos. Two blue eyed kids, green eyed, grayish blue and light brown — none of us look alike except me & 1 sister. So don’t base your suspicions on looks etc.

Your wife is stonewalling and gaslighting you. I lived in your exact situation w/ my H’s first affair. He REFUSED to admit it was even going on (but I knew it was — EA). It was 4 years of abuse b/c he would literally smirk at me and walk out of the room if I mentioned it.

On your case, for your peace of mind, I suggest two paths. Since therapy has been unproductive for you as couples, I’d suggest going alone for you to manage this. Learn to accept her lying & cheating. Decide if you want to stay unhappily married OR move on.

Let the therapist be there just for you.

Honestly if your wife doesn’t care about you to give you something you desperately need and DESERVE, you are at a point where you need to stop trying with her. In the end it’s hurting you.

Then base your future decisions on how you feel about yourself and the marriage. If it really bothers you not to get answers from her, then you should move on.

Life is too short to spend it being very unhappy.

Regarding the daughter.
Being a parent isn’t just biology. There are also moral and a legal definitions.
Like… even if you were to discover that biologically she isn’t yours you would still be her legal father and it would take quite the process to change that. It might even not be possible.
From what you share you definitely meet the moral requirements too.

My suggestion: If there is ANY doubt in your mind – do the test OR stop having those doubts.
If she’s yours biologically then you know, and can move on. If not, then you know and can move on. At least you will have the infidelity confirmed and can decide on your legal position as her father.
The way I see it: There is so much related to genetics that can impact our future that its always better to be clear in that area. Plus, if you have doubts then chances are that she too will have her doubts with time. At some point someone or something will lead her to question. Might be as innocent as she taking an ancestry test to discover she has a half-brother in Alaska or whatever. The truth is what it is, and it’s IMHO always better to work from a foundation of truth.

I find her story doubtful. Your wife isn’t born yesterday, and how confident do you need to be to start talking sexual content with a random stranger you meet at a bowling alley. Plus, who took the pics? The Verizon is also suspect.

I understand your doubts. Get at least the paternity issue squared away, because there is the chance that can answer the infidelity issue too.

I appreciate the responses so far. My marriage isn't horrible it's just flat for me. I do love her as a person but with the lack of transparency or a way to prove her story it can't last. There is always a possibility that she is being honest and the whole thing really was just a dumb decision and not a catastrophic one. Maybe the guy did fool her into sending the picture and erotica. I've been seeing a therapist for some time. My wife started giving me a lot more attention since around February and is trying really hard to keep me happy. She lost a lot of weight, finished her masters and is going out of her way to reel me back in. I'm very proud of her personal improvements but it's 10 years too late for the other stuff without full disclosure. I try to put up a good front but she knows it's bs. I just don't want to be alone and am terrified of losing my kids and everything else. I don't want the kids to know either. I wouldn't want them to lose trust in their mom.
The coworker issue really complicated it for me and I have to be honest about it even if it's humiliating and probably all in my head. Again absolutely nothing happened physically or even verbally but there was a click. It was enough for my wife to notice and start using it against me. Even other coworkers started spreading rumors about us. I didn't realize it was happening until just before Christmas when my wife called me at work and broke down. Something I said about the coworker the night before made her panic but she never said exactly what (I talked about several things and don't remember even mentioning the coworker). I eventually realized I did like her but it was weird because I didn't know it until my wife said it. I also think my wife got my phone a few weeks after that call and read messages. I've since changed phones and locked it down. Her's was always locked biometricly and I couldn't get into it but she had my old pin. She denied reading messages but she mentioned something that was in them that she would only have known if she read it. This was during a very long discussion following our first therapy session. The coworker invited me to a local bar where she was having drinks, I assumed just to be friendly because the next day I asked her about it. She said she was with her parents and knew I lived close by. During the discussion my wife asked if I met her at a bar. It was too specific a question. I don't go anywhere but work and home and I don't drink much. I've been to a bar 4 times in the last year. I sort of lied to the coworker in my response and said I was hanging out with my son who was home for college. It was kind of true, but he didn't care if I left. I really wanted to go but I didn't think it was a good idea so I made up a story. We've since gone out in group settings for work including recently and it did get awkward with alcohol. She said a lot of things while drunk that made it more obvious. I didn't say or do anything thankfully. I'm conflicted about it though. Part of me is glad I didn't go that night but another part wishes I had. I would have been a hypocrite if I went. I don't think she would have acted on it and I wouldn't want to be with someone who was willing to cheat. On the plus side it was the only thing that got my wife to couples therapy, otherwise she never would have went according to her. She said that she knows nothing happened (almost every text was work related) but it scared her and she was afraid something eventually would happen. The situation also scared me because I didn't realize I was forming a connection. I was just happy to feel less like shit. The feelings aren't deep or anything but it's also not nothing. Where I messed up was she started asking a lot of very personal questions about my marriage over several months. I started answering them and talking to her did really help but in retrospect there may have been more to it for her. It was usually in a group setting though which became embarrassing. I'm still not certain why she is so interested but she eventually said I should get a divorce. That happened a dozen times over the past 6 months. That freaked me out and I backed off a while ago but admittedly it was hard. I just want to get along with her as friends at least while I sort this out.
My wife's affair or whatever it was caused a lot of self loathing. 2 decades of dead bedroom and the affair destroyed my self esteem. This situation helped at first but only made it worse recently. Now I barely talk to the coworker because she's overly friendly one day then awkward the next. I feel like an idiot because half of my work knows and I hate going to work most days. It was my escape for the last few years. I'm seriously considering leaving just to get away from the awkwardness and started applying to other places. It's absolutely humiliating because a lot of those divorce comments came out in group settings and everyone thinks we're up to something. I also feel like complete trash because I did the same thing to my wife at exactly the time I was reliving her past. It happened in November 2015 and last October we went through a big rough patch. It brought it all back then the coworker appeared. The only thing that makes me feel a little better is that I admitted it all to my wife. I was an open book because I know how it felt when she refused to tell me anything. I certainly didn't send anything sexual to anyone. I never acted on it and I don't think I said or did anything to lead the coworker on, at least not intentionally. I just wish my wife would tell me everything but I know she never will. I told her recently it was as simple as taking me to the bowling alley and pointing him out. If she had done that years ago, none of this would have happened.
My plan is to give it another few weeks of therapy. If she doesn't open up I can't stay.

Do the DNA test to stop at least ONE of the agonizing thoughts constantly swirling through your head (can you tell I’ve been in the exact same situation?)

But ALSO, do the DNA test for your daughter. There is a reason doctors ask for family history; it can be incredibly important to catch life threatening problems soon enough to matter. If this guy was old then, he’s older now and if he dies his family medical history would be much harder, maybe impossible, to obtain.

That increased frequency of sex? It’s called hysterical bonding because she THOUGHT you were having an affair (you weren’t and aren’t) and her limbic system is responding.

User,

I’m sorry you needed to find this site. If your wayward wife is starting to show some understanding of what you went through it’s time to get everything sorted. Tell her you need a written timeline of her affair that also includes any other inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. When it’s done tell her it will be verified by polygraph and ask her if she needs to make any changes. Offer to go through the same process yourself.

If she refuses then you know where you rank among her priorities - well below protecting her self image.

If you haven’t yet check out the Healing Library here and read the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

Do the dna test discretely. There is no situation in life where it’s better to be kept in the dark with questions and doubts. Yours or not, it doesn’t change anything between your kid and you. But it does answer a nagging question you obviously have.

I would also say I really have a hard time believing your wife’s story. I think your idea that she sent that pic to herself as a screenshot off a burner phone is more likely or closer to reality that the story you’ve been fed. I also do not think you’ll ever get her to admit to the truth until you start making moves to separate.
I mean, she wouldnt start working on anything until
She saw a potential threat in your co-worker, then she started pouring it on. Some selfish people just won’t lift a finger until they feel their object is starting to pull away. So start pulling away.

The thing I'm struggling with is the uncertainty. If I leave and find out later that she was telling the truth then I destroyed both of our lives. I do still love her but it feels different. It's not and has never been the same.

While I'm typing this, even 11 years later it still really hurts. I feel my heart racing just thinking about leaving but when I'm with her, I'm miserable. There's zero trust. Every time she answers a text or call I wonder who it is. When she sits near me on her phone and slightly faces the screen away from me and looks at it off center, the feeling of dread comes back. If the Ring cameras trigger while I'm at work and I see she's leaving unscheduled I question it. It never goes away. She keeps saying the same 2 things. You need to move on. You need to stop bringing it up because I can't keep doing this. She's even threatening to leave me if I don't stop. She also keeps saying she has nothing else to add. She's an amazing person with everything except this situation.

Back when it happened I used her android tablet which was on AT&T and downloaded all her messages. I couldn't bring myself to read them and I panicked deleting it all. To this day I regret not reading them. I think I was afraid it would force me to make a decision. I've faced people trying to physically kill me and had gar less fear than I do about leaving her. Eventually I have to call it quits I guess because it's affecting my mental health all over again since it came back up.

Your wife is partially correct. Ongoing doubt and ongoing questioning will permanently damage your marriage. Just like not getting answers to your questions will permanently damage your marriage. So she’s right – but doesn’t have the correct solution.

The solution is where you are offered enough to believe her story, or have confirmation she cheated. It could be one or the other – although her story is funky then there are levels of cheating, and it’s not clear what level she went to, if she cheated.

The thing I'm struggling with is the uncertainty.

That tends to be the problem, and the only way to solve that is by starting to close leads and suspicions.

We have already suggested you get a big one out of the way: Take the swab and clarify if your daughter is your biological daughter.

Friend – Worst-case scenario if YOU do the swab is that you get confirmation she’s not your biological daughter. The way this pans out generally (and keep in mind legal advice is the absolute worst advice on this site, but can give you ideas on what to check) is that you have a short timeframe to legally refute your paternal rights and obligations. If you don’t you are assumed to have willingly accepted the legal role as dad, and it would take a lot to get that changed.

Do this – get the test and get the worst-case result (not your biological daughter) and you have removed one uncertainty: Your wife cheated.

It also gives YOU the power of controlling when and how you inform your daughter because for all sorts of reasons (some of them listed in earlier posts above) she will find out, and it’s better to come from you rather than hearing gossip or being told she has a hereditary disease.

That’s the worst-case scenario. But getting that issue dealt with will both give you peace (especially if the more likely outcome of her being your daughter) and an indication on your wife’s fidelity.

Once you have that in your pocket…

Way back in the early days of this forum we had a story about a person who discovered he was wrongly fathered during a biology class at high-school. The old-fashioned blood-type test, where you can’t be of a certain blood-type if your parents aren’t in certain blood-types. Mentioning this, because the odds of your daughter discovering wrong paternity on her own are immense, and possibly not in the correct conditions.

I would explain to your wife how unusual it is for a woman to insist she met a stranger one evening/afternoon while bowling, and in the time-frame they are bowling start a conversation that seemingly goes into talk about intimate, erotic and sexual issues.

I haven’t bowled for ages, but most people spend 1-2 hours bowling, and that’s about 2 games. What with her sister being there, I can accept that maybe 1-2 others asked to share the lane or bowled the lane beside them. I can accept people making small-talk. But at what point does the random unknown man go from asking "are you using that pink ball?" to "do you still sexually excite your husband?" to "lets go make some erotica for him".

Ask her how she would think 10 women in a comparable situation would react? I’m guessing 10 out of 10 would cut off the small-talk once "John" started sexual inuendo. I’m guessing 5/10 would leave if he was persistent, and 5 would have him escorted out for sexual harassment. I’m guessing only 1 out of all the women in the Universe that bowl would go make erotica.

Ask her how she would want her daughter to react if a stranger she just met started talking about sexual issues. Would she be OK with your daughter going somewhere private with a total stranger that within the first 2 hours of meeting started discussions of a direct sexual nature?

How confident do you have to be that unattractive and older "John" that you have known for 2 hours and is an intermediate bowler isn’t a threat to you if you invite him to a room?

How OK do you have to be if a man you have known for 2-3 hours has pictures of you in erotic positions? Pictures he refuses to delete. How certain is your wife that your daughter won’t be coming home from school one day crying, because somebody found pics of her mom on sexyamateurmilfsdoeritica dot com or whatever. Or that day you go to work and your colleagues are sniggering because one of them found some pics online?

Tell her how all this makes you question her story and it’s validity.

It might all be true. Like that young man the king caught in his princesses bedroom really had been a frog before she kissed him and the charming prince was free of the curse. Could all be true…

Then tell her how YOU cant move on without closure.

That closure can be that she still insists her story is true. Hard to believe, but true.

That closure can be that she shares more. You can make her ONE promise: That no matter what she shares now you will give your marriage a chance to reconcile. Even if it turns out "John" was actually Jack who lived down the road all those years ago, even if there was a "real" affair.

Its her call. Insist the truth is out, or tell the truth.

But… Once she says "This is the final and absolute truth" you want a polygraph where you get confirmation she’s being honest.

She passes – you move on with the marriage.

She fails… well… then you know.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:06 AM, Tuesday, May 12th]