SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Comparisons are a bottom line concern for every BS...and, a very tricky issue. The need to compare ourselves to the AP is, at bottom, asking our WS for Emotional Validation, their desire to be with only us, and, the end of their obsession with the AP.

So, if we ask, "How was he in bed compared to me?", or, "In what ways do you like me better than him?", etc, what we REALLY WANT is an emotional validation ("You're my Man", "You're the best", "I love you more than I could ever love him, etc.

It's easy to run afoul of this issue...I ran afoul by asking my WS one of these questions and was shocked and hurt by her answer, something like, "Well, you both have your points"!. I then rephrased and asked something like "I mean, between us, do you like me at 51/49 percent? 80/20 percent, 70/30...". Again, her answer was something like, "Well, it varies - I can have more satisfying emotional conversations with you, but...".

OK - my WS has a very logical mind and answers questions literally - BUT, missed and misses my emotional needs that are at the heart of my question...I really did and do not want a comparison of the lovemaking chops of me v. the AP, or, in any other point of comparison...What I need and want after having been destroyed by the A is the emotional validation that her choice is to be with me, that her desire to stay with me and work toward R is her primary concern- which is some version of "Honey, you're the best", "You're my guy and no one compares!", etc.

All BS's need emotional validation of their status during R...and trying to get emotional validation can go very wrong if the emotional need underneath the question is not understood...it may be asking the impossible to expect a WS to read/hear this need in the question...it may help to explain what you need before asking the question!

Comparisons will obsess you because you need to understand why she chose another over you.

That's all about it.

IT will not pass, not easily because she put you second place, so you will feel second place from now on.
It is pretty hard to recover fully from that.

That said, you already have your answer: with whom did she decide to stay? You or the AP?

Usually it's 80/20 rule, the affair covers for the 20 "unaddressed needs" of the WS, with the result to burn to ash the 80%.

So now she has next to zero. And that's what she deserves.
She should work and move mountains if she ever wants part of that 80% back.

All BS's need emotional validation of their status during R...and trying to get emotional validation can go very wrong if the emotional need underneath the question is not understood...it may be asking the impossible to expect a WS to read/hear this need in the question...it may help to explain what you need before asking the question!

That is a very wrong approach.

No your emotions want that because if they would be validated then the affair and betrayal could not have happened.
But they did happen, so even validating those will serve nothing but to lie yourself after she lied to you.

Reformed WS alone do understand this need to heal the BS, but they DID the work, your wife did not.

You need to understand few harsh truths:
HER:
- She was your partner because she chose you
- At some point she chose another man, you were not chosen anymore, not enough, replaceable. Just the backup
- She most likely did not chose the AP as a man, but she chose her projections in the AP, the way the Affair made her feel

YOU:
- You are enough, worthy and lovable. You must learn this. What she did does not mean you were not worthy of her. It means she is not worthy of you.
- You need to learn that you are the prize. Right now I feel you are doing the "pick me dance". Validating her idea that she can do whatever, there will be no consequences because you will always be there.

For your own sake, you need to understand that YOU matter more than her, period. For yourself, you cannot "make yourself matter" for someone else, not even your wife. Either she sees it or not. And she will not see it if you dance the "pick me dance". It never works.

If she sees your value she will work to come back and rebuild.
But the above is not possible until you realize and own your value first.

Stop expecting something from your Wayward Wife. Expect demand and do for YOU alone. Like she does no longer exist.
Build the life you would be proud to live.

Then observe her behaviors, if they change, those matters, not the words.

She cannot heal you,she is the one who hurt you. Only you can heal yourself. Only her can heal her flaws.

Thank you...You're right, I get it...I'll take it from here but it may be that I will come back for help!

Sure buddy, don't you worry.

Put it all out, do not keep it inside.

The chaos drives towards mistake or bad approach, good thing of this place, is having people who have been there and can tell you what works and what does not.
Healing yourself works, and is all that must matter at the very start.

Be mindful of your self-respect and dignity. Don’t do anything that would damage them further. Do things that would prop them both up for yourself.

If she isn’t crawling on broken glass to keep you, it’s better to ditch them and replace them with literally anyone else.

What I need and want after having been destroyed by the A is the emotional validation that her choice is to be with me, that her desire to stay with me and work toward R is her primary concern- which is some version of "Honey, you're the best", "You're my guy and no one compares!", etc.

...and trying to get emotional validation can go very wrong if the emotional need underneath the question is not understood...it may be asking the impossible to expect a WS to read/hear this need in the question...it may help to explain what you need before asking the question!

Agreed. The closer one can come to knowing what one wants, the better. After all, if one doesn't know what they want, it's hard to know if they are getting it or not, especially when under stress. Once one knows, they can ask for what they want.

It may seem counter-intuitive to ask explicitly for what one wants. In essence, it tells someone what the right answer is likely to be. At the same time, though, asking explicitly can cast a spotlight on the real issues. When, say, a WS gives the right answer, the BS can focus on separating the WS's truth from fiction.

Note that I believe we human beings are better lie detectors than any machine, and I believe asking for what one wants often enough will teach the BS when the WS is truthful and when the WS is lying.

IT will not pass, not easily because she put you second place, so you will feel second place from now on.

It is pretty hard to recover fully from that.

If, as I believe, WSes cheat because they are unhappy with themselves, they choose the ap instead of themselves. The 'competition' is between 1) being with the ap and pretending to be happy or 2) being with themself and doing the work they need to do to resolve their issues and actually be happy.

IOW, it may seem as if the WS chooses the ap over the BS, but actually the WS chooses the ap instead of themself. The BS isn't in 2nd place; the WS is, at least when the WS cheats because they feel the ap will fill a hole the WS feels in themself.

A BS who considers R does have to find out if they're their WS's 1st choice or not. Sometimes the answer is 'yes', sometimes 'no'. If the BS goes into R believing they are always their WS's 2nd choice, it might be projection, which is a way of lying to oneself.

In any case, part of the BS's healing is choosing to be their own 1st choice. Healing always requires reconciling ... with oneself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:35 PM, Monday, March 16th]

If she isn’t crawling on broken glass to keep you, it’s better to ditch them and replace them with literally anyone else.

Amen. Read this 1000x, OP.