SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On DDay and the weeks and months after, I found that, outside of my personal therapy sessions, I had no one in my life to talk with, to vent or cry with, to struggle with putting the pieces back together. I'd review my circle of guy friends and find reasons why none of them were likely candidates. In many cases, it was because my WS and I are part of the same social circle, so, I felt that fronting her A to any of these guys would quickly spread throughout our circle and it would be like outing her and potentially subjecting her to all manner of grief. Ditto for family. Yes, I get that protecting her was a questionable choice, but, I also know that I was protecting me. And, even though we are in a very good couples therapy where we can work stuff out in our sessions, I am still aware that my lack of guys to talk honestly with is still a big issue...and, I am so happy to have found this group!

Next is the role of each member of the couple in healing....the most common idea is that only you can heal you - goes for both the BS and the WS. This is certainly true when it comes to rebuilding my sense of worth, my value, and, most important, my power to shape my life going forward in ways that serve me, my needs, my desires...and that, should I find that my WS is not able to R and I choose to leave the marriage, I can and will find happiness.

But, there's another way to slice this cake. My therapist put it this way - your wife threw a grenade into your marriage and blew it to pieces. And, she lied about the depth of intimacy in the A, so, when I discovered the evidence (secrets always come out!) and confronted her and she admitted that she slept with the OP, she blew the pieces into smaller pieces. The question is: having blown your relationship to pieces, will she help to put them back together...and, in a way that you both can trust and accept and feel great about? It seems reasonable to me that this is work for both of us - one person can heal themselves, but, one person can't heal a relationship.

The general rule where rebuilding is possible is:

- The BS heals the BS
- The WS heals the WS

You can't heal the M or heal your partner.
The old M is dead. The Partner must heal themselves.

Only then, if there is the will, it might become commitment to rebuild a new M.
Is not a guarantee.
But the healing is the foundation of everything

You're right. It takes 2 to rebuild the relationship. Hopefully from a position of the 2 of you having healed or are healing yourselves. It takes 2 to rebuild, but it only takes 1 to end it.

Betrayal trauma is real trauma. PTSD symptoms are common. I've seen it called PISD by some therapists. Post Infidelity Stress Disorder. It's real, and it's not something someone just walks off in a few weeks, or even a few months. 2 to 5 years is the general timeline for most people to recover. Note that I said "recover," because reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. That doesn't mean it will always be a painful process, but it's something I think most couples will always be working on, even if in the background.

I don't know if anyone has recommended any reading for you and your WW. You do seem to have done some reading here on your own so you may have already seen these, but just in case I'll suggest "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald an "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass.

The former is a pretty short read. My wife and I listened to the audio version together and it wasn't much longer than 2 hours. It's short, but packed with info and really opened her eyes. The latter is a longer read, but also very good. If your wife is on board with repairing your relationship then she should be willing to read them both, tho I'd recommend the audio version of at least MacDonald's book and listen together. She does a really good job of explaining what you're going through and how long it can take to recover from infidelity.

I was just like you in that I didn't have anyone to talk to about this. Well, no one I wanted to talk to about it. The mix of shame and guilt I was feeling combined with the pressure I'd likely get from my side were 2 of the reasons I didn't. I have 1 good friend I confided in and he's been great, but these forums were a godsend. I'm really happy you found us. It helped me a lot just to type it all out and get feedback from others who really get it.

I think my wife was also hoping this would blow over in a few months or so, but between that book and her doing her own research she now realizes it's going to take more time than anyone wants it to. It's been almost a year since my d day, and it still hurts like hell. It took almost all this time just for the initial shock to wear off, and I still find myself thinking "I still can't believe this even happened." Since listening to those books (very early on) she's never hinted or suggested I should be getting over it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:28 AM, Monday, March 16th]

Thank you for the tip - we have both read and reread the Glass book but it sounds like the audio book may be helpful. Appreciate your care and concern for me!

My therapist put it this way - your wife threw a grenade into your marriage and blew it to pieces. And, she lied about the depth of intimacy in the A, so, when I discovered the evidence (secrets always come out!) and confronted her and she admitted that she slept with the OP, she blew the pieces into smaller pieces. The question is: having blown your relationship to pieces, will she help to put them back together...and, in a way that you both can trust and accept and feel great about?"

The only problem is that no matter how hard you try, there will always be a piece missing.

It is possible to repair the marriage and get to a good place.

I’m Not sure how long ago your Dday (discovery day(s)) were but it is a slow healing process. It took me 1 year to stop waking up every day and feeling like I needed to D my H.

It took me 3 years to start actively healing myself (I didn’t know about this site until 4 years after the affair ended).

However we survived his mid life crisis affair AND we are happy. He changed. I changed and stopped being a doormat.

Therapy definitely helped me and saved my sanity during his affair. I also had a good support group of friends AND I didn’t care if there was fall out if people knew. I wasn’t protecting him any longer and I had planned to D him anyway.

It’s time to put everything on the table. Address it. Work through it. Hopefully you will be glad you did.

And please find a friend in real life you can talk to. Stop protecting the cheater.

Thank you...I'm struck by your honesty and clarity.
I discovered a text chain full of loving endearments to the AP on 11/24/2024...i confronted my W, she admitted having an A, but not its depth and I was too naive to understand the reality - he was her first lover when she was a teen...he reached out to her 40 years later after his wife died and she responded...I warned her that no one reaches out to an old lover to find a friend but she swore that all she wanted was a platonic relationship...anyway, like I said, I believed her and was naive.
We entered into couples therapy a month later, BUT,..she was still in love so all the work we did was BS. i discovered another text chain in July of '25 and finally put the pieces together - it was a full blown sexual A. I confronted her and, at firsst, she tried to weasel out but I knew I was right and forced her to tell the truth...the ensuing days were a fog as I processed the where and when, put together the lies and deception...it was a second Dday and far, far worse than the first.
My question for you - I've kept her secret from our social circle, protecting her but also protected me...I feel that our progress in R is real, our trust is re-building, I feel that we've gone through lots of tough stuff enough to where I am starting to feel like we will make it - but, there is part of me that wishes I had blown the whistle and made her A public - ?I worry that, if I blow the whistle now, it may feel good on the level of getting revenge, but, not serve me to blow up the real progress we've made. What do you think?