SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyone come up with a way to stop the obsessive thoughts and rumination?

It's every day, every hour, for over 25 years since I found out." Intimacy" is marked by visions of him with her. My sleep is interrupted with daily nightmares—begging for honesty and transparency about what happened—reality. For the past 2+ weeks, anorgasmia for the first time in my life.

Nothing is working to stop the pain. I'm sorry for the repetitive complaining, but I'm at a loss, and I believe that unless you've experienced the pain of infidelity, you don't understand.

My reco: ask yourself what feelings lie beneath the rumination, and then feel the feeling directly.

Keeping it simple - limiting the feeling words - always helps me. I use mad, sad, scared, glad, and ashamed. YMMV.

I know for me, at least, that efforts from my WW to answer my questions helped a great deal. She may not remember everything, but her answers were sincere.

You mentioned that your wife was pursuing IC in order to help to find answers. Has that shown any benefit/promise yet?

There's an article in the Healing Library that provides some suggestions:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

For me, I started practicing meditation. Practicing cleansing breaths and doing a breathing exercise helps me to bring my thoughts back to the present.

Has anyone come up with a way to stop the obsessive thoughts and rumination?

Since you are already doing the ruminating, worth it to try "freespotting" and see what happens. I’ve found it a powerful method. Technique…

Step 1: Identify the Emotion or Memory: Start by pinpointing an emotion, memory, or belief that you find distressing or challenging. This could range from a negative self-belief like "I'm not good enough" to a traumatic event such as a car accident or the loss of a loved one.

Step 2: Amplify the Emotion (If Necessary): If the emotion isn't initially strong, try to delve deeper into the details of the experience. Recall what you saw, heard, or felt. Let yourself re-experience these emotions to a degree where they become more palpable.

Step 3: Scale Your Feelings: Assess the intensity of your emotions on a scale of 0 to 10, with 10 being the most intense. If you find your feelings scoring above an 8, it's advisable to seek help from a professional therapist.

Step 4: Focus on a Fixed Point: Choose a spot to focus on – it could be the tip of a pen, a point on your finger, or a spot on the wall. Focus on this spot for 2-5 minutes, allowing yourself to fully feel and experience the emotions, thoughts, or memories that surface. Remember, it's important not to judge these thoughts and feelings as bad or wrong. You can tell yourself that it’s okay to feel this.

Step 5: Conclude When Ready: Continue this process until you notice a decrease in the intensity of your emotions, or when no additional memories or thoughts arise. You can perform this technique anywhere safe, where you can dedicate your focus to being more resourceful.

Nobody likes this, but here’s what worked for me.

I imagined them together, from start to finish. As bad as it could be. Every insecurity attacked.

He was bigger, better. She was enthusiastic, insatiable, multi-orgasmic.

Watching that in my mind made me nauseous.

But once I got through it, and accepted that as the reality, and decided I could live with it, I quit thinking about it.

Best wishes