SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So we are almost 3 years out from DD. In the middle of A season at the moment which hasn't been very triggering at all this year luckily.

We live in a really small town and WH still works at the same place as AP (I've written extensively on this before and how he has applied for tens of jobs over the years and is still actively looking every single week), but I have been lucky enough to only see her once before. That time was a complete and utter disaster. We were less than one year out and we never looked straight at each other, just got stuck in the same restaurant. I had a major panic attack, started weeping an WH lost it and did not handle it well. Almost broke us. Major hickup for our R.

Today we were out hiking and I was, for once, not wired for look out as I usually am in any popular spots in our town. The thought never even crossed my mind so I wasn't keeping a watchful eye. So when we were suddenly head on each other on the road walking towards each other we were already close once I noticed her.
WH was looking out at the view to the side and kept staring that way. He claims he never even saw her and at first at least feigned not understanding what I was talking about when I muttered 'perfekt' once she passed. Can't be entirely sure if he really didn't notice (wouldn't be surprised to be honest he's often unattentive with noticing people we know out and about etc) or if he's lying. Either way, he looked away and never at her, so he either ignored her or didn't notice her. I looked straight at her but was wearing sunglasses so she could not see my eyes. She was looking straight at us with a tight stiff lip. But she didn't look away either which sort of provoked me. I feel like she should feel some shame and look away and not stare straight at us.I'm wondering a bit about this, why she did that.
I'm glad I was wearing sunglasses, and I'm glad to notice that although I did have a slight meltdown with a few tears immediately after and we started bickering due to that (WH still not good with theses moments when he goes into major shame), but compared to last time it was about 10% of the reaktion in me. I did not panic, at all. I'll take that as a win. I hate that his A has turned my beloved home town into a mine field that still can send me into a spiral many years after just from seeing a person on the same road.

Not sure where I'm going with this but just needed to rant about this to the only people on the planet that seem to get things like this. It might also be that one reason I reacted so little is that I am no longer really fighting for our R. At the moment I'm just waiting and watching and can't be bothered much any ways. Either way, it was a fly in my soup to see her today, but not more than that.

Wow, you handled yourself extraordinarily well composed. I have no idea how I might have managed that moment. Kuddos

Be proud of yourself. You didn’t react.

And it is possible she was just as unglued at the thought of seeing you both.

I remember reading your account of seeing the OW at the restaurant when you discussed it earlier. I discussed your WH’s response with my WH at the time. Today we discussed your update.

My WH spent years dealing with my triggers in the same way that your WH does -until I grew a spine and insisted that he listen and discuss and learn about them. He also carries a lot of shame. Today, though, I suggested that he used anger basically to squelch what he perceived as dissent within the marriage. He did this not out of shame, but because anger was just more easily accessible to him and shame requires dredging up. (And also anger worked, until I insisted that he listen.)

You have clearly grown a lot in your ability to manage your response to unwelcome contact! This is worth celebrating!