SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Infidelity changes a person no doubt. Without getting into the negative stuff … can you share how infidelity has changed something about you in terms of personal betterment or strength (even if it’s just one thing)?

Personally, I offered blind trust to everyone and anyone - I handed that shit out like candy. Just because I am a good, honest and loyal person, doesn’t mean that Karen sitting next to me is. While I’m not a naive person, I was extremely naive when it came to trust and believing that everyone possesses the "common sense" to do the right thing. I will never offer my trust to someone again, but they can definitely earn it. While I learned this lesson in an extremely harsh way, I’m stronger because of it.

I used to kid my family that I was the family garbage can. Everyone could unload their crap on me and walk away lighter. I no longer feel responsible for everyone. Not that I don't care, but I will not be the fixer. Honestly it's liberating.

I am still too trusting. I can’t always discern that others do not have the same heart as me. Even though I am a ws, my relationship with integrity has not been as sketchy as one might guess. In real life I am nurturing and like most everyone. I can pick up bad vibes sometimes but it’s very unreliable. I would say I can be very naive.

For me, probably the biggest change is my avoidance. I still sometimes want to avoid but I have gotten to where I have learned hard conversations do not have to be high conflict if you are intentional in your approach. Being less avoidant has strengthened my relationships and have made me proud of the way I can show up for people in difficult times.

And I show up for myself more too. I was always the kind of wife that made dinner and served the best of what I made to my husband. Then I cleaned it all up too. Now I sometimes will take the best looking thing, not always or even often, but once in a while I decide that I deserve the best too. Or I will let him clean up and I will sit down without feeling guilty about it. It’s like a little reminder. It’s not like I give him burned food or anything, just maybe the presentation is a little better. Lots of little things like that is like me winking to myself and saying "you are worth it too". Being good to myself was never a consideration before and now I find all sorts of ways to show myself some love.

Sorry, I can’t think of a single way this has improved me.

Less trusting? Yes, but I’m not sure that is an improvement.

Thank you Trumansworld + hikingout. Those are excellent examples of what I’m talking about.

Formerpeopleperson

I don’t think infidelity as a positive means of improving people/relationships, etc. It is said many times over on SI that while you don’t ever get over "it" you do find a way through "it" …over time and excruciating self-work.

Along your personal healing journey, I would very much hope a BS finds some sort of betterment or personal strength or accomplishment (whatever you want to call it) along the way. Something positive that maybe you learned about yourself or something you discovered in you that you never realized you had before.

I initially thought that being less trusting was "bad." Not that I’m less trusting, moreso people can earn my trust before it’s offered.

I have grown a lot.

Before the A, I had no idea how difficult an A was on the BS. I always thought it would be bad, but had no clue on the utter devastation. I am much more empathetic about things, especially ones that I have not experienced, now than I was before.

I grew a spine. I was the easy one, the peace-maker, the never-rock-the-boat one. Now I stand up for myself in a healthier way and no longer worry what others think. This has changed my relationship to family members (went LC) and it has helped me.

And I worked through the issues I had been dragging around. The A was the straw that broke this camel’s back and I decided to DROP all that crap. Took a few years, but I am now nicer, less snarky, less sarcastic. The defenses I had are no longer needed, and I have set them down.

There were silver linings. I am a better person for it all.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 8:51 PM, Tuesday, March 4th]

Oh like nearly breathing I do agree I am more compassionate. Less judgmental too.

And like Truman I also have stopped being the fixer. I stay in my own lane much more often and let others figure more out for themselves. I think back to all the ways I let myself be exhausted so the bigger picture for me is I protect my energy much more for worthwhile things. I worry less, I have far less rumination, and I found faith in a higher power.

Changing coping like that has created a life I no longer want to escape from.

Some of the more positive ways I have changed since infidelity and also D are that I take care of myself better and put myself first. I used to put myself last and I tolerated things I never should have tolerated. I eliminate anyone who brings toxicity to my life. I even had to give my best friend from high school the ax for her treatment of me and my daughter. I lost trust for my xWS after his A's but I did not carry that mistrust into my new relationship. I am giving him the courtesy of trust until he breaks it, then all bets are off. I appreciate being alone since my D and have really been enjoying the peace of mind. I am no longer plagued by the A's of the past. I am a lot happier these days. My life is no longer chaotic or riddled with abuse.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 10:00 PM, Tuesday, March 4th]

I diversified my friend portfolio. Instead of relying almost exclusively on my wife for companionship I reconnected with old friends. I never lost them, but I didn’t think I needed anyone but my wife, so I didn’t make the effort. I also realized that I had to be responsible for my own happiness. So, I guess I did some growing.

"My life is no longer chaotic or riddled with abuse."
^^^^
While I can definitely relate to what former people person posted, there is the above-noted benefit of my divorce.

I put myself above my marriage. It's almost hard to believe I thought the other order was better.

I put myself above my marriage. It's almost hard to believe I thought the other order was better.

Same for me. I always put him first - but those days are over.

Having been close to divorce and financially in a bad situation, I now hoard money.

I no longer try to help fix things. It’s now their problem - not mine.

I also learned that I am willing to face issues head on - I don’t run from them. My H on the other hand will avoid things if he can. I am not afraid of the tough conversation. He in the other hand is more of a coward in that regard. Funny how I used to think I married someone who is brave and strong. I now view hm differently.

In 25 years I never once thought about D. Until Dday when he told me he wanted a D. I will never be blindsided like that again.

My user-name is based on a personal quest I have deliberately been following for nearly 25 years. A quest to improve myself – to be better, or a bigger person. (Better is even a worse user-name that Bigger, but try googling bigger and infidelity and you will see why I sometimes regret my moniker...)

I don’t know if I do improve. I set my own goals and my own yardstick to measure them by. Maybe to some I simply become a bigger asshole. But I have goals like I don’t lie. I don’t promise anything I can’t stand by. I don’t borrow money nor do I lend money. I place more value on moral self-goals than physical goals...

To reach those goals I have had to adapt many traits that might sound negative. Like if I want to never promise anything I can’t stand by I have to learn to say "no". That was a hard one. I like to please people, and telling someone "No – I can’t come over and mow your lawn next Saturday" can be hard, but I will if I have already promised my time to someone else (even if that someone is me). I will however probably offer another time.

I have found that a key to personal growth tend to be to stop taking things for granted. Trust included. I try to base decisions on experience and logic rather than expectations and emotions.

Infidelity had a big part on making me take this path.
I was a frigging cop – yet the blind, careless way I lived my daily life made me ignore and be unaware of anything and everything. I had this vision of a loving wife, a couple of cars, the house down the road from her parents and maybe a dozen kids or so. Took me some years after d-day to realize how meandering along might get me a mediocre life, but by planning and having goals and destinations could get me the great life I feel I have.

I too set myself at the top. But I realize that a significant part of ME is my marriage and my wife. I believe you can have parallel things on the top – it’s not necessarily a pyramid. However – she’s there because I want her to be there.

My WH’s confession of his EA/PA on DDay (4 months ago) threw me into a downward spiral of shock, pain, anger and profound sadness that felt impossible to overcome. Like others, I was completely blindsided and doubting everything that I thought was real in my life. We started MC and IC soon after and he did everything he could to show me he was truly remorseful and was putting us first, but I just couldn’t break away from the overwhelming thoughts of what he did. When I hit bottom with nowhere to go but up, I began exploring the practice of mindfulness to keep me focused on the present with all the positive things that were happening between us, and to let go of the toxic fixation on the past and worry about the future. When I did that, it gave us space to focus on building a new relationship that is so much better than it has been in years. I am reading/listening to books daily while walking my dog and it is truly helping me get to a place of peace and acceptance about everything. So I would say that as a result of this wake-up call, I am making huge improvements in my approach to life, and combined with our improved level of connection and honesty, I am experiencing the marriage relationship we should have had all along. I wish it didn’t take such a dramatic horrific event to get us here, but I am focusing on the here and now and being grateful for what is. I can forgive the person he is now, without excusing what he did in the past. My H has done a lot of soul-searching and IC as well, and we have both come out of this with a renewed appreciation for each other and how important it is to face problems head on and communicate about everything. So, there is hope as long as both partners truly want to do the work.

I’ve been waiting to reply on this one because I honestly can’t think of anything that has become better after this affair. The only thing that has slightly changed for me in what I guess is better is I now am never really shocked by anyone’s behaviours and therefore I am a little bit less judgmental. But I was never a really judgy person in the first place.

TBH this post made me a bit sad in that it really made me think about my life again and how much I feel like I lost.

BarelyBreathing

I would have to also agree that I have become more empathetic towards people and their situations, regardless of what it might be. I never in my wildest dreams could have ever imagined the pain, confusion and devastation of infidelity … I’m not happy that I’m here and have had to experience it, but I possess zero judgment on those who walk this path.

Notsogreatexpectations

This is great. It’s easy to let friendships fall by the wayside. It’s so important to keep these connections close.

This0Is0Fine

I never put my marriage first, but many do. I’m glad you have made yourself a top priority.

Bigger

I have found that a key to personal growth tend to be to stop taking things for granted. Trust included. I try to base decisions on experience and logic rather than expectations and emotions.

I love this. I’ve taken a lot for granted in my life … I think in ways I still do.

Webbit

Infidelity definitely isn’t something I recommend as a means of betterment or strengthening oneself (obviously). In more ways than one, I can think of how its profoundly changed me forever. Apart of me died on 10/12/23 … while it makes me feel so many different emotions, I am optimistic that I will make through to the other side … hopefully more stronger and resilient, with my integrity and morals still intact.

Like BarelyBreathing mentions … trying to find that silver lining. Even recognizing something small is a big feat.

Thank you to those who shared. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in how it changes us in a negative sense. Just like with any trauma, I’m hoping to make as full of a recovery as humanly possible.