I'll start off by saying we began our relationship very, very non-traditional. Polyamorous, both of us married, both of us living separately. Our spouses knew about our relationship.
My partner, J, was semi-involved with his long distance wife (she moved to a different state 15 years ago). My husband and I separated in 2012, but stayed married for health insurance for me. We haven't lived together or been in any sort of relationship since then. J's wife would come out to visit 4-5 times each year. They were not sexually active during this time, just for context.
When J and I started our relationship, he would text every morning to say "Good morning". He had told me he texted his wife as well. Since we were poly, it didn't bother me at all. It was something he only did with the two of us.
3 years ago, she stopped coming to visit, didn't want him to visit her, but she didn't say why. Still said good morning every morning, though. She also wouldn't speak to him on the phone. Partner and I grew closer and never really practiced being poly, especially once she stopped visiting. J has only ever had a long term relationship with me and his wife. He was never involved with anyone else. We were very close. I always knew when something was bothering him, or if there was something he didn't know how to talk about, and we always figured it out. I truly believed he would not lie to me. I honestly have never lied to him, about anything. I have never felt a need to.
Several months ago, we had a long discussion, and decided to get married. We talked about what we wanted moving forward. It seemed clear we both wanted monogamy. I specifically said if he needed to maintain a romantic relationship with her, then I would not marry him. He called his wife the next morning and told her he was filing for a divorce. Everything was perfectly amicable. I realized a few weeks later, that he was still texting her good morning.
At this point, it bothered me. He didn't think it would be hurtful to me, (and I probably didn't state what I wanted clearly enough at the time,) but I did calmly explain that it was an intimate partner thing that he did. He didn't do it with anyone else in the world, so it did mean something. He said he would stop, eventually. Now, since this was something he had done for a very long time, I wasn't super pushy about it. I also wanted him to do it of his own accord.
A couple of weeks later, he is still texting her. During the conversation, I stated clearly that I did not want him texting her good morning anymore. If they needed to communicate for the divorce, I didn't care. I told him it meant a lot to me, that it really upset me that he was still texting. He said he would stop right away. I did express disappointment that I had to bring it up again.
I had absolutely no reason to doubt him at that time. About a week or 2 later, I asked him "Did ex-wife ask why you don't text her good morning anymore?" He said "No, she hasn't said anything." I followed up with "How much are you texting with her?" He said "Only when I need information for the divorce."
On Friday, J texted me and said "Ex wife is asking about form XXX." I said "What does she want to know? What is her question?" Then I said "Just send me a screenshot." He sent a cropped screen shot of only her actual text. I said "Well, what did you say before that? Send me the whole screenshot."
That screenshot showed that he has been texting her good morning, at least since Sunday of last week. I was gutted. He knew it was the one thing I asked for, said he would do it, then lied to me when I asked about it. I asked "Why" His answer is "I don't know. I only love you, I haven't loved her for a long time" or "We've been in each other's lives since high school, we had good memories of the kids." He said he did stop texting for "a while". When I asked him exactly how long, he said he didn't know. I said "Look at your phone and tell me." He said "I guess it was 1 or 2 days."
In the grand scheme of things, and considering the level of cheating that so many have gone through, it almost sounds ridiculous when I type it out. But the impact on me has been more profound than anyone else lying to me. Maybe because I specifically said the words to make my feelings clear. And he agreed, when he obviously should not have. I don't know.
I am confused, deeply hurt, angry, humiliated. I don't know how to move forward.
More context...we have been living together since mid-2022. We had separate finances until we decided to get married, and after being together for over 6 years, I felt safe. He has FAR more income and resources than I do, and has always shared and given freely. He gave me access to all of his financial accounts and payroll/retirement information. In everything else, (as far as I know), there hasn't been any withholding of information.
Even though we are not married, I don't think advice such as "Leave now" is really going to be helpful. We were planning on getting married in just a few months, and leaving wouldn't be an easy choice. I told J that I will not marry him at this point, until we see if this can be worked out.
I have no one to talk to about this, except my therapist. I have been trying very hard to not be excessive in expressing my hurt and other feelings to him. I will absolutely tell him exactly how I feel (last night, in the middle of the night, I was overcome with tears and frustration. I yelled out "You F****D EVERYTHING UP!"), and he will sit and listen to me without defending, deflecting or making excuses. I don't want to be cruel.
But I seriously don't know how to, do anything. How does someone "rebuild trust"? I know it takes a long time, but what does it look like? He does have an appointment with a therapist for himself this week, and one of us will look for someone we can see together.
I am a rule follower, and my personality is "you don't get praise for doing what you're supposed to do". Meaning, I am not going to thank you for treating me with respect, it is a basic part of human decency. I hope that makes sense. But really, what does it look like?
