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Hello everyone. I am about 2 months post DDay from learning of my WW affair with her superior at work. This has been a doozy of a couple months as her AP came to our house after she ended it and caused a lot of property damage and theft. All the details are in my bio.

My question is regarding anger and I guess depression too. My WW wants to stay together and has made efforts to be there for me. But it seems like when life gets difficult, my wants/needs are the first thing that gets sacrificed. To be fair, our living situation is not ideal for recovering from something like this. We have three small children that my wife stays home with. For the next month or so we also have in-laws staying with us due to severe water damage in their home. It leaves very little time/energy for healing. I am understanding of the demands our children place on us as I live it too.

Our counselor, who has been excellent up to this point, told us this may just be a season where we don't get to do much work due to life circumstances. I was furious! Sounded like you just gave my WW an out for not confronting her issues and the damage she caused.

I have an overwhelming sense that no one really cares what I'm going through and I've lost who I am. It works me up and its hard to think about anything else. Her response is something like "I'm really sorry honey, but..." It's like I don't even make the top 5 in priorities. I want to express my anger and hurt but no one seems to have the time to hear it.

Up to this point, I haven't had much anger past the first few days. Most of what I've felt was sadness and depression. That, of course, is still there but now I'm getting angry too. The mental movies have returned with a vengeance and the last few nights I've slept on the couch because I couldn't stand to be next to my wife in our bed.

To her credit, she does try to empathize and do more. I truly don't know if I'm being unrealistic in my expectations or not.

As I move past the initial shock stage, I'm looking for advice on how to deal with the anger and depression. I don't want to make the situation worse by lashing out, and obviously I don't want to suffer more than I have to. Any thoughts?

I don't want to make the situation worse by lashing out, and obviously I don't want to suffer more than I have to. Any thoughts?

Let me be clear so I am not mischaracterized. NEVER abuse her in any way. Everyone get that?

With that said, without putting her on blast, you should CALMLY let her know how angry you are at her for betraying you in the worst possible way a wife can. That at first you were in absolute shock, and that everything you promised in R (which I assume you quickly decided on) needs to be viewed in that light. That you need to see MONUMENTAL empathy from her, otherwise she can expect to not be sleeping next to you anytime soon. How about having HER sleep on the couch?

Some here say "any kind of consequence is nothing but petty revenge". Hogwash. Has she experienced any consequences whatsoever for her evil choices?

I understand what you’re saying. So everyone knows, I would never physically harm a woman. Even in the worst parts of D day i didn’t do that and won’t ever in the future. My reference to lashing out was more about yelling, etc.

As for having her sleep on the couch, I should add that I don’t start on the couch. I can usually fall asleep in bed, only to wake a 2-3 hours later with my mind racing and her sound asleep unless our baby wakes up. So I end up on the couch in the middle of the night. It feels wrong to wake her up just to kick her out, but maybe I’m a softie.

I definitely agreed to R too soon. Though D day was the worst day of my life, amidst all the other emotions, there was a weird relief in finally knowing what was really going on and knowing I wasn’t crazy. I think that relief fueled my agreeing to R. Well, that and three small kids.

I’ve told her since that while R is the goal, it is not guaranteed and I need things from her. Given the circumstances the time has gone relatively well, but there’s still so much hurt and anger to process

Why have you not had the OM brought up on criminal charges?

Then after he gets convicted you bring civil charges
and sue the OM for financial damages.

I’m sorry you’re here and dealing with this. Everything you’re going through is awful, and anger and depression are completely normal once the shock dies down. I agree with gr8ful that letting your wife know how angry you are is appropriate (with all the same caveats—any form of abuse off the table, and protecting your kids from the fallout as much as possible).

My situation was different than yours, but I know the unique hell of circumstances after DDay not allowing for a full processing of the affair. My beloved sister in law, whom we had been caring for through cancer and hospice, died less than two weeks after DDay, and my elderly mother in law was in the process of moving in with us, while she grieved her daughter. My kids were a hot mess with pandemic issues and losing their treasured aunt, and my job was crazy in covid.

I agree with your therapist that your life circumstances just aren’t going to allow a lot of processing in the short term. That completely sucks, and it’s going to prolong the hardship. Looking back, I think part of my slow healing and reconciliation trajectory is due to everything that was happening at that time. Nonetheless, there are things that can help. I exercised a LOT. Hard core exercise is great for processing feelings. Your wife at bare minimum can offer you the time to do that. And maybe the family members can babysit? Either to give you time on your own, or time with your wife, whichever feels better to you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. No one should have to.

Are you in IC ? That can be a great space for you to lash out, process the anger, and vent. You need that. I like the gym idea too.

I understand that kids/family stuff sometimes takes a priority . But can she not carve out a few hours a week for you two to talk, alone, about the A? Have you talked about boundaries with the in-laws moving in?

BTW, the anger stage is normal, too. Many of us were in shock for a while and then the reality started to kick in and with it came the anger stage. Find an outlet for it.

To old truck: Criminal cases and a possible lawsuit were being pursued. However, about a month after D day, the OM died by overdose on likely booze and prescriptions. I do not know if it was accidental or a suicide. So there’s no one to go after now. And it adds another later of difficulty for my wife as she now has additional guilt to deal with.

I have made time for the gym as best I can. I’ve been an athlete most of my life. I’m not training as much as I was, but still a pretty healthy amount. Probably what keeps me sane at this point.

However, about a month after D day, the OM died by overdose on likely booze and prescriptions. I do not know if it was accidental or a suicide.

Sorry, got side tracked and must have hit the post button in error. Anyway, was going to say that the death of the OM would put an end to any prosecution, but not necessarily to a civil action. I don’t know if this guy had anything of value, but if he did, then his estate or his insurance company would be on the hook for the property damage and any emotional damage you suffered.

I used to fantasize about my wife’s special friend suffering death or grievous bodily harm. In my more lucid moments I realized that that would not help my cause as she’d probably grieve for him and he’d be forever set in her memory as the fabulous person of the affair. Sending you support as you deal with this betrayal and all the fallout.

Hi, welcome to SI.

I hope you are in individual counseling and not marriage counseling, the marriage didn't cheat, your wife did.

You need a good counselor to help you navigate this living hell your wife brought into your lives.

As far as anger goes, I was the queen of anger, anger masks pain and is very normal. My anger lasted for years, waned of course, but after the shock of the affair wore off the reality of the enormity of what my WH did to our marriage, our family, his job, set in.

I verbally lashed out at my WH and honestly he took it. It made him truly understand the devastation he caused as he had never ever seen me in such a state in the almost 30 years of marriage at that time. PTSD also set in which made the anger much worse. If I felt as though I couldn't really control it, I'd get in my vehicle and scream blood curdling screams Many times I took my laptop to a local coffee shop just to get away from the environment and give my mind a brief respite.

Another poster mentioned consequences for your wife, what is she doing to help you heal. Is she being transparent giving you access to everything including her phone and social media and emails? Is she reading books? Accountable for her whereabouts? Is she in counseling alone to figure out why she went down that path?

I notice the OM was her superior at work.
Can you go after the company for compensation for allowing a dangerous environment and sexual harassment?
I’m just wondering if they would give her a compensation package to get rid of the legal hassle. This could help with possible financial stress while dealing with this situation. I think a talk with a work-issue attorney can probably get you a good settlement for a percentage fee.
Doesn’t matter if she started it or there are communications showing she was a willing participant. There is a very clear line regarding supervisors and sexual interaction with their staff.

--
One tool to help with anger is to remember you don’t have to be there...
I think it’s a key-issue to remember we always have options. The alternatives might not be great, but normally we can find one path that might make us feel a little better. You do have the option of demanding or making whatever change you want – like divorce.
Anger often stems from frustration, frustration from feeling helpless. By remembering you have options... that can empower you, even if that empowerment is directed at remaining in your marriage.

I think you might be misunderstanding your counselor. It’s not a get-out-of-jail card, nor is it stating you won’t get around to the work. It’s more a statement that maybe NOW you need to gather your strength, lick the wounds and prepare for the oncoming onslaught.

I think it’s OK for you to let your wife know – maybe in the presence of the counselor – about your anger and that there is no given that you will want to save this marriage.
Only – don’t do this as a threat. Do it because you mean it. You can let her know that the fact you are still there is an indicator for what you think you want, but that there is no given. That if you don’t see progress as in honesty, openness and all that – then whatever will you might have to remain married might fade away.

I would make arrangements for the in-laws to leave if there is another sibling or someone they can stay with. I would leave it to your wife to explain to them. If that’s not possible, then I would tell her to arrange for her in-laws to take care of the kids so you can have a regular walk or outing together. House guests do not have to be passive, you all are helping them, they can help you too.

I would tell her you are willing to consider reconciliation if she is willing to see a therapist and meet with you for a specific length of time x times a week. She found time to have an affair with little kids, I can’t imagine she can’t find the time to save a marriage she claims to want.

I do not agree this can not be made a priority. This is all just being brushed under the rug. I would explain that all this neglecting of the issues is making you feel angry, lost, and that you can not put off the processing of this.

I feel like you are being sold a bad bill of goods. I can understand that smaller amounts of time may be your reality but no amounts of time makes no sense in light like I said she had time to have an affair. I would point at that she can make time for things that are important to her, and it seems like you do not make that list.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:24 PM, Monday, March 3rd]

I used the term in laws but it’s my parents not hers. Sorry for the confusion. Unfortunately there are no other siblings so it’s pretty much just us.

My folks do help with the kids and have watched them for us some while we have a date night or something. But they are elderly and though they’d never admit it, it’s hard on them watching three kids that are so small. We are all just trying to make the best of the situation for the next couple weeks until their house is done.

As for suing her employer, I’m all for it. Wife will have nothing to do with it. Some of it is embarrassment and self blaming, some is reputation protection.

We are in biblical counseling, both IC and MC. It has helped, but as you’ve seen with my other posts, my WW has strong avoidance tendencies and I don’t believe the deeper issues will not be resolved unless she confronts them more.

We could try scheduling times to discuss the affair I suppose. But some days I just come home pissed and I can’t predict when that will be. It’s all such a mess. Emotions are so hot and cold and I can’t make sense of any of it.

Sorry for ranting. I don’t even know what my question is anymore. I appreciate the insight everyone has.

Some biblical counselors are great; some, not.

Anger is normal especially so soon after d-day. You don't have tp fear it you have your anger; it doesn't have you. One way of looking at it is that it's a message to yourself that you want something about your life to be different. If you're at all like me, you really wish your WS hadn't betrayed you. Recognizing you can't change that (either the betrayal or the wanting) helps process it our of your body.

Also, if you don't do this already, it may help you to start talking about anger with, I'm annoyed/anger/furious/filled with rage about _____. In your speech show your emotion - let it out. Give your WS several feet of space for safety, but let it out. You anger is in you; it's your problem to solve. Expressing anger while owning it requires the hearer simply to hear you - your WS doesn't have to do anything but listen.

Clearing the anger by expressing it will allow you to deal with the grief, fear, shame, etc. that also come with being betrayed.

When your wife was caught she ended the relationship and threw AP under the bus like everyone else does. This does not change the fact that she initiated a relationship with AP/brought her to your home and was a willing participant.

Staying married will require a lot of effort, many questions come to my mind.

Find an experienced therapist/psychiatrist, you must have serious traumas, do not ignore them.

Where were your children when your home was attacked?

How many times has AP come to your home and come into contact with the children/do your children know him?

Are you sure that your wife did not meet/call with AP after the attack?

How do you know your wife doesn't blame herself for her ap's death?

"How do you know that your wife doesn't think that if she were more careful, she wouldn't lose her relationship and her ap."

Please go to a polygraph first, tell your wife

How many relationships have you had?

Did she love him?

how long the relationship lasted

Trust is earned after years.

Have you considered briefly moving out to give yourself some space and to give her some fear of what may come if she doesn't address this? Maybe a week at a friend's place?

Did you tell your parents what happened? I think you should. Most of us would probably agree that you should, otherwise she isn't facing any accountability for what she did.

A lot to cover in my response but I will try. And I haven’t figured out how you guys cut and paste from others comments. Maybe someday…

I may have misunderstood what the counselor meant. She did not give my wife a pass at doing work, only just that it may look a bit different for a short period of time. My wife has resumed reading and other homework from the counselor, so that’s a positive.

As for civil cases against the APs estate, he was kind of a loser. Lived with mama, Deeply in debt with few assets to show for it. I doubt the money I could recover would be worth the effort, but my insurance company may take the matter up themselves. Power to them if they do.

Seaandsun

Some of my children were home at the time of the attack. I’m honestly stunned he was able to pull it off without me noticing as I didn’t sleep at all that night. The AP came to the house 5-6 times per my WW. The kids were always sleeping/napping and have never met him.

I’m pretty sure my W never contacted him after Dday and the attack. She had him blocked on all social media and I had (and still have) full access to her phone, email, socials, everything. She’s been adamant that she wanted out for a while before Dday and that he was blackmailing her into continuing. I actually think she’s telling the truth on it.

Which is difficult in itself. It’s hard to manage an appropriate level of outrage for getting involved in the first place, while also realizing that being manipulated into staying in a sexual relationship you don’t want is horrible and probably traumatizing in and of itself.

I believe the things my WW has told me ONLY if I was able to corroborate them through other means, like seeing messages. Most of that was deleted of course, but there is enough for some things to be certain on. Since Dday, I have not caught her in any additional lies. And I have tried

I believe the things my WW has told me ONLY if I was able to corroborate them through other means, like seeing messages. Most of that was deleted of course, but there is enough for some things to be certain on. Since Dday, I have not caught her in any additional lies. And I have tried

Have you asked your wife to *write* a 100% complete timeline, with EVERYTHING, including all sexual details (assuming you want this - I personally believe they must be divulged to kill the intimacy bubble that still exists with them, even with him being dead, plus you need to know what exactly you’re forgiving) and then having her sit for a polygraph, where one of the (few) questions will be "Is the written timeline 100% complete and truthful?".

If not, why not?

As I move past the initial shock, I'm seeking advice on managing the anger and depression

I feel like I'm both uniquely qualified and utterly unqualified to help you with this.

For years, I've battled with anger, not the kind that erupts outwardly, but a simmering bitterness and a sincere wish for misfortune to befall those who wronged me. The infidelity I experienced amplified this significantly. Being hauled out of a party, in front of my social circle, to answer for threats I made about my ex and former friend was a deeply humiliating experience. The weight of their betrayal felt insurmountable. In the midst of this, I texted my ex, 'If I had done what you've done, I'd kill myself.' That wasn't a flippant remark; it was a reflection of the profound pain I felt.

if you're aiming for reconciliation, I'm afraid I won't be of much use. I simply can't fathom wanting my betrayer to have a good day, or feeling joy at their success. I'm genuinely amazed by those who can forgive so deeply; perhaps I have some sort of forgiveness deficit.

However, if you've decided on divorce, I have a wealth of advice that proved invaluable to me. This ranges from standard self-improvement and self-help strategies to unconventional approaches that, while some might deem unhealthy, worked wonders for me...

Guess it depends which road you wish to walk

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 11:46 PM, Saturday, March 8th]