i came to the site after somebody linked or referenced a posting here from reddit about a guy who was recovering from infidelity. I think it was spaceghost. What he went through was like poking at my history, except to my chagrin I was not as strong as he was. Then inevitably I was drawn to the other founding stories of SI, 2018mlmm, walloped, ohforanewme and I read their histories with tears of recognition and at times hope - it was like reading about my own history, routing for them, hoping for them, even though it was distant past.
I can't pretend to be innocent, I'm what would be called a madhatter - I left my second wife in an exit affair that I'm only now, almost 10 years later beginning to appreciate the enormity of - largely due to my reading here.
But I hope, I can, with your feedback, try to right some of the wrongs and move forward into a place of deeper self knowledge and maybe a new relationship that I need guidance on.
My story...
I came from a small northern city in England, went to a prestigious university in my field to get away from my overbearing mother but returned after to start working at a local company. I bought a house, but never felt I was much of a catch even if in retrospect I realise that some of the women at the company were making it very clear they were interested, I was pretty geeky and really had no clue.
One weekend, a friend of mine from uni came to visit and suggested we check out the local "talent". There was a teacher training college in the city and in those days that meant 99% women. We gate crashed an open day there and I ran into a girl, who tried really hard to not lead me on, maybe was playing hard to get, but she chatted. As we chatted she lit a cigarette and I mentioned I was asthmatic - she smiled and puffed away from me. It was borderline - I thought she really didn't like me, but my friend said "invite her to dinner". I did, inviting her over to my place for Sunday dinner and she accepted. Brought a friend with her too, so my friend had a date. They didn't get on beyond being friendly, but we hit it off.
I was in my 20s and just generally dating - this was the 80s and generally dating at that time didn't mean having sex with multiple girls. Mid week I'm entertaining a girl at home in the evening and there's a knock at my door. It's weekend girl, I'll call her C. I'm embarrassed at the door, what's going on? C was taken with me and wants to talk. I apologise to midweek girl and she gets the message and withdraws pronto.
C comes in and explains how taken she was with me, she's in a relationship and that's confusing. We talk into the night, and she decides to stay over, saying we cannot have sex. We have sex. The next day she tells her guy she can't be with him any more. She'd seen the bible by my bed, at that time I was - it's hard to say now - but I'd been drawn to a pretty evangelical church. She'd grown up in a very christian family, her father became a pastor, but at this time was "exploring" her freedom. She was deeply troubled that she'd caved to having sex with me and had to tell the guy, who wasn't in any way christian that it was over.
I want to say that everything was angels and roses after that but it wasn't - I'm damaged - I know this after much IC (ok I've read enough to know some of the abbreviations!) - I'm an anxious attacher and that's really not attractive in a man. We had an amazing few months, but on holiday she said she didn't want to continue our relationship. I was devastated but she left the door open to be friends, and I have to say, knowing what I do now, I foolishly stepped up to be her friend, even though it pained me to hear about her sojourns to visit potential suitors. We were invited to a party and I managed to get her to spend time with me. She told me I was sexy when I'm drunk. We were chatting in the hallway and sort of holding on to each other and a guy tried to caht to her. He asked if I was into her and I joked 'maybe'. He asked her and she joked the same. It was so painful, not being sure she would reconnect, and I went home despondent. I went to church the next day and sat way at the back praying some sort of "please god, I want her" kindo of prayer. After a couple of happy clappy songs I looked down the pews and saw her sitting there. She hadn't noticed me. I was conflicted, she hadn;t wanted to be with me last night, but I thought I really need to just talk to her and tell her how I feel. In the middle of a chorus, I cautiously sat down next to her. She turned to me and we just held each other. We withdrew from the church and walked to get a coffee to talk. IOne of the most poignant moments of my life happened next - we crossed the road, she took me in her arms and said "I love you". I then learned what butterflies meant, my stomach did somersaults.
We dated, loved but I was so conflicted about sex. I'd had a few partners at university, lost my V to one of them, but after a particularly bad breakup had discovered new age christianity - and it was so hard to reconcile that with the desire I felt for her and the fact that she'd grown up in a traditional church going family but was perfectly happy to have sex with me. She acknowledged by dilemma and was happy to wait - hmm happy maybe not, but ok to wait - she wanted me. And I was 23, horny as fuck, had never had to be chaste and my beautiful girl was happy to be with me. One afternoon, after we'd made love, I said (stupidly) "I think you'll be pregnant". I asked "what if? would you marry me?" She said yes of course. I said would you marry me anyway? She said, yes of course. My rather unromantic way of asking, but she said yes!
She wasn't pregnant. But she moved in. And we were married 6 months later. Somebody loves me. I should have been the happiest guy in the world but I was doubting it, never quite satisfied.
C was finishing her degree, a school teacher, when she told me she'd missed her period. We weren't exactly careful, the pill was messing with her so badly and we weren't paying attention, especially on holiday and I'm pretty sure I know the time we conceived our daughter. C couldn't have been happier, she glowed. She finished her studies and collected her degree 7 months pregnant, beaming at the camera. The birth was traumatic, my daughter refused to emerge, until finally they decided to induce - and it seems that nature had decided it was time for the birth too, so my daughter was born in about 20 mins. The birth seriously damaged her. I got a call from the hospital at 5am saying to get there quickly, i arrived 10 mins after the birth and held my duaghter, feeding her because my wife was simply too damaged to do it. I wathced like a hawk, every time her BP dropped I was on to the nurses who seemed far too blase about it. I was on edge - convinced that she might die at any moment and be taken from me and this was the woman who loved me, for who I was.
She came home, recovered and 9 months later was pregnant again. By this time we'd moved as I had a new job in the south. Our son was born 18 months after our daughter and I was there. I saw him emerge - how can a head change like that? But I held him and was so happy. My wife was torn and being the generous soul that she was, allowed the trainee doctor to sew her up. Big mistake, and a few hours later, when I was home trying to get some sleep after the 22 hour labour, I was woken to the phone - come in your wife needs you. There was a massive haematoma and she needed surgery. My stories were "oh fuck, anyone who I love is taken away" and I prayed. I held our son and just prayed.
She's a strong woman and came through but was seriously damaged.
We settled into family life, but I was distant, scared, depressed. She was energetic, upbeat, full of energy, but I learned that this was a learned response - every time she was down as a kid, her mum would lift her. I reacted to her energy badly and became more depressed. I functioned - I had a well paying job, we had a nice home and she took on a role minding children - a job she was so hugely overqualified to do, she was capable of running a school, but she loved being a mother and the kids were absolutely thriving with her.
Two years after my son was born she stopped me to say she was late. She'd had a coil inserted after the boy's birth, but somehow she fell pregnant. My immediate reaction was oh no, I can't lose you. Both previous births had been dangerous for her, and I selfishly wanted her to be mine. She went to see the doc and they said it would be dangerous for the fetus to remove the coil so we didn't. She always wanted more kids, it was me who was reticent. A few weeks later she was in pain and the scan showed the fetus had died. She was incrediblly sad, I was ambivalent? I wanted her more than another child. She was scheduled for a D&C - basically they scraped the remains out of her like they would and abortion. But they left some behind.
Two maybe three months after, C wakes me at 1am. She's in intense pain, I try to comfort her, see what's wrong, she can't move her left arm, can't feel anything. I call the doctor who calls an ambulance. It's now 4am and I'm floundering - what do I do with the kids? I knock on next door and miracle of miracles they answer, I tell them what's happening and they say to leave it with them. I give them the keys and get into the ambulance with my wife. We're taken to the local hospital, whio try to aleive the pain she's in and I look on bewildered. She's takne into the CAT scan, and back to the ward. The radiographer pulls me aside - I don't normally talk to people but this looks like glioma. I'm gobsmacked. My father is dating a consultant so I call him and she has a chat with the radiologist. He tries to comfort me, tells me it'll be ok.
C is moved to a specialist unit in a regional hospital. She's 28. Her parents come down to support me. She's in so much pain. She tells her father that she just wants to die, it hurts so much. He has difficulty dealing with this. FFS I have difficulty dealing with it, how dare she leave me. The hospital do a stereoscopy and declare it's MS.
The op seems to relieve the pain. I'll come back to this. she comes home, still can't move her left arm, still in a wheelchair, but she's home. The kids and me are overjoyed. Her mum is staying with us and takes the kids out... we enjoy some us time, even though she's not fully functioning she wants me, I'm horny as fuck, I'm 30 and we haven't had time together for weeks.
She's home, I think we're over it and just need to help her recover.
Two maybe three weeks later she's in pain. We call the doctor. She says come in. Gives her steroids. It doesn't work. Two days later the ambulance is taking her back to the specialist unit. I'm devastated. She deteriorates, delerious, talks about strange people visiting her, barely recognises me. Taken into ICU - I look at the consultant despondently who looks at me and says, "i'm at the limit of waht I can do", then calls the drug manufactuer to seeif she can give her more to keep her here. I'm assured that a 28 year old mother is their top priority in ICU yet she's dying. It wasn't MS, it was a cyst buried deep in her brain and the stereoscapy burst it into her ventricles. There it festered and getting antibiotics to it was nigh on impossible.
I sleep at the hospital, praying and crying. The next day they pull me aside and say she's gone; Why the fuck didn't you call me?
What do I want to do, she's young. She would have wanted to save others, that was just who she was, so I said to take her organs. Her sister hasn't forgiven me for this as she was convinced she would be resurrected. Fuck that.
So I'm left with a daughter 3.5 and a son 2.5. I've lost the only woman I'm sure loved me and I'm fucking lost.
This has been hard to re-live and i'm done, but i'll try to come back and talk about what happened afte rbecause it's truly messed up and I need help
