SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wh- has gotten an apartment 2 blocks away.. I wish it was 2 hrs away lol..

He now says he wants a separation not necessarily a divorce…..he originally insisted we were divorcing with no path forward..

I am so sick of this and wish I knew how not to care…

Trying my best not to cry in front of him.. I am not sad about losing him but I am so sad of losing the man I thought he was …

My first thought? Fuck him deciding the future of the marriage. Hasn’t he made enough catastrophic unilateral decisions for you? Why does he get to now tell you that you must remain in separation limbo while he figures things out?

Are you in IC for the trauma he’s put you through? It would probably really help you to start plotting YOUR way forward and getting over caring about what he wants.

I know this is really hard and sooooo painful, but your life really really will be better when you don’t have this selfish, disrespectful, cheating person hanging around your neck like a useless millstone. As long as he is keeping you in limbo, he is still just sucking joy and energy and progress out of your life.

What are you getting out of him that is positive? If the answer is nothing, what small steps can you take to move forward and away from his damage?

We’re here. How can we help? What do you need? You really can do this, but you don’t have to do it alone.

Sending you hugs of support and strength.

I am getting nothing ..

Today he asked me about going to counseling with him tomorrow- I said no not necessary..

Today he also asked if I would like to see his new place- I said no not necessary

Than he told me he would like to buy a new grill and keep it at my place?

Crazy mind games….

When he moves out it is only communication regarding our 11 year old as far as I am concerned….

When I insisted he give the kids his move out date- he had to confess he only put a place on hold but didn’t sign lease waiting for a check.. he doesn’t even officially have a place!!

Every damm thing he says is a lie literally

Ugh, I know what horrible damage all of that shit does. Because we are not betrayers or liars. We were actually devoted to them and our marriages, so every time that they do this shit, it still hurts. It’s just so hard to accept that this is who they really are when we had a whole lovable person that we had created in our heads.

And it’s hell on earth when you know that’s your kids’ dad forever. That the person you loved enough to make kids with can be so completely shit as a parent.

"Every damn thing he says is literally a lie." Remember that. Make it your mantra.

Boundaries and outrage/anger are your best friends right now. I’m so sorry that he’s such a POS. You on the other hand are clearly getting fed up with his crap. You’ve got this. Make a list of the shit he’s doing and review it when you feel yourself feeling sad. In this current phase, anger will serve you better than sadness over the loss of it all.

And hell no, he doesn’t get to keep his barbecue at your house. No joint counseling. Maybe start pushing hard for him to sign that damned lease so that you can get some distance. My biggest fear right now would be that he just won’t go now that he seems to be lobbying for you to just stay on the hook while he puzzles over which of his options work best for him.

You’ve got this. You sound like you have his number and are finding your disgust with who he is now. It doesn’t mean you won’t mourn the life, marriage and husband you thought you had and truly wanted. That’s probably one of the worst parts of this: the grief for what was most precious to you that he recklessly destroyed. But that is something that will be easier for you to honor and process when his ass isn’t sitting around on your couch.

Lissane

You state what he wants (now, not a divorce but a separation, living close by etc) but not what YOU want.
He talks about divorce like they are gifts. He want’s one, he asks for one... As if they come gift-wrapped.
It might be common courtesy to let your spouse know you want a divorce, and you might do so by saying "I want a divorce", but the fact is you GET a divorce, you DO a divorce. You file, you process, you follow through and you sign a divorce.

A lot of your older posts are about this. About how he wants a divorce, how he’s rushing a divorce, how he’s offered favorable terms and so on.
Why not take the initiative and tell him that YOU are GETTING a divorce.

He can go play house and all that in his new apartment, alone or with his old, new or next GF and so on, but YOU are going to behave like an adult that has responsibilities to her children and are establishing the base for them to build from. Alone.

Honestly I would just file for D and keep contact to a minimum. What he is asking of you is ridicuous and you deserve so much more that this yo-yo'ing type of treatment. It takes a while to D. If he were to miraculously pull his head from his behind and you felt like you wanted to try again you could, but I would move forward.

Thank you for all the replies…

30 years of marriage 6 kids - this is hard….However, I am doing better than I thought…

He is a liar, a cheater and takes zero accountability for anything… So I know I have nothing to work with…

It’s very sad but definitely more sad for him…. He is losing a loyal and devoted wife and mother of his children… somebody who stood by him through everything ….

Lisanne so sorry for this. It is really hard and I can empathise. I hope you get to be set free soon

I'm sorry you are going through this. Speaking from the point of view of also having a longterm M, M25 years at Dday1 27 years when I filed and 33 at D, I get the grieving process. I really did love my W despite her many short comings. I took my vows seriously and was crushed at losing mybM and my family. Not so much crushed losing my W in the end, but that was after I detached and detoxed.

It's pretty common for BS's to project who they want their partner to be, onto their actual partner. So the loss is not so much a loss of a person but an ideal, a concept. It's tough to let those go.

Now, after many years, on those occasions when I see my EXWW, I just look at her and find her completely unattractive. For me, that's a good thing because it shows me that I have completely detached. As a side note, I am content now, which is also a good thing. I compare my life now to my M life and I now realize that I was slowly dying I my M. I just didn't realize it.

You will get through this. If you want to see some of my nonlinear healing journey, check out my thread in NB. It pucks up after the really difficult 3.5 years renting a tiny apartment with my two kids 1 year after I filed for D. The NB section might give you hope in dealing with your journey.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:04 PM, Sunday, March 2nd]

Still dealing with so much BS….

I literally hung in there for 10 years and prayed for a miracle that never came….

Trying to understand that the man I would have given my life for is so very broken….

He is willing to leave me out to dry and his kids and for what? So he can get some new pussy to stick it in?

I don’t understand this level of betrayal because I could never do this to another human being so I don’t get it…

You won't understand it because his thought process is not yours and isn't what it how many BSs think. After awhile, I decided that I'd never understand my XWH'S whys because it would never be a good enough reason (there's no reason for an A) and it wouldn't make sense.

Please don’t ever try to make sense of a cheater’s choices.

Just know there is NO logical reason or way to explain the selfish choices a cheater makes.

My H (during his affair) would swear he wanted me, marriage etc. while at the same time swearing to the OW he was Divorcing me.

Dday2 - my H literally walked in the door and said "I want a D!" As though I was the one preventing him from what he wanted. I said "fine - we can D" because I was done being on the "I want a D - no I don’t want a D" roller coaster. Hours later he swears he doesn’t want a D. It was a "mistake".

You have to look out for yourself. Period.