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I’ve brought up many times to my H that I wish he could of been honest about his vulnerability when the lines were becoming blurred and/or once the lines were completely crossed during his A.

I approached him a few days prior to Dday … I told him he felt like a stranger to me and that I felt like I didn’t know who he was anymore. I then just flat out asked him (twice in the same conversation) if "there was anyone else?" Without looking me in the eye (yes, I noticed this) he replied "no, there is no one else." 72 hours later, I find out the ugly truth.

I’ve thought (as well as verbalized to him) that things could have been a lot "different" if he would have just came clean to me. Especially since I handed him the opportunity on a silver platter when I bluntly asked him … all he had to do was be fuckin honest (is it really that difficult)?!

He said he thought about it, but he was scared of the outcome. Scared I would leave him and take the kids. He didn’t want that and didn’t know how to end the A without it blowing up in his face (how ironic I know).

I told him that even after the first encounter, him coming to me and being honest about what he did would of gone a long way. Him owning up to it all, instead of me having to feel like shit and play detective.

So my question(s) …

BS - for those of you who your WS came clean about their A, do you think it helped in some way?

WS - for those of you that came clean, did it make you feel more accountable or more "humble" in owning your choices?

My H told my mom a few weeks after dday when he apologized and owned up to his A that "I’m relieved she found out." Like wtf?! It’s kinda a slap to the face comment … "ummm, you’re welcome?!"

Anyways … I’ve been pondering this since Dday. I know at the end of the day it’s still shit, but wondering if a confession vs. discovery hits less or maybe it just hits different.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 5:01 AM, Wednesday, February 26th]

A confession rather than discovery is worlds better in my opinion.

What bothers me is when a WS says they are scared of losing the M and family on discovery day but they made that bargain when they stepped into an A. They knew the risk.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:25 AM, Wednesday, February 26th]

My wife confessed. She said she never wanted to leave me and wanted to save our marriage, and that's why she confessed. Typical wayward thinking I guess.

I personally think a confession would have been less painful than finding them in the act... But it was still horribly painful.

Her confession is the main reason I was willing to try and work it out. If I had discovered it myself, I don't think I would have had the fortitude to stay through all the subsequent things she did that caused me large amounts of pain in the months after.

Intimate betrayal is painful enough, but it seems like nearly every wayward has their head so far up their a$$ that they cause nearly equal amounts of pain in the months after.

If I had found out myself, I would probably be getting a divorce given everything that has happened since. But at least it would have been decisive, and I wouldn't have been around someone causing me further pain.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she confessed. But the uncertainty about our future is difficult to get through. It takes a huge amount of patience.

NO POLITICS lied about NO POLITICS. Presumably he lied to NO POLITICS.

Of course he lied. Everybody on planet Earth understood why he lied and would have expected nothing else.

Yes, I’m being provocative. But "how could they lie" just seems a bit, I don’t know, is naive the right word.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:53 AM, Wednesday, February 26th]

A very gentle reminder that this site has a strict NO POLITICS policy.

That includes mentioning the names of politicians, even in infidelity-related refference.

My H confessed.

I thought at the time it was the honorable thing and gave him some credit for it.

Biggest mistake! He was still just your ordinary lying cheating jerk.

Hope this helps you.

Intimate betrayal is painful enough, but it seems like nearly every wayward has their head so far up their a$$ that they cause nearly equal amounts of pain in the months after.

I confessed but feel I am in this same camp. I came to him and said the same thing- that I wanted to see if our marriage could be saved but knowing it couldn’t start on a foundation of lies. But, I think most ws have done such mental gymnastics to cheat unwinding that mentality doesn’t happen upon confession. I was still very mixed up and my commitment to our marriage was no stronger after the confession than before. It took a lot of work to become a person worth staying married to unfortunately.

My situation was similar to yours, HW. I happened to look closely at our phone bill while doing our normal budgeting/financial tracking, and it showed some very off patterns, and my gut was already a little off, so in a nanosecond I jumped from zero conscious suspicion to the correct conclusion. I worked up my courage and approached him, and he lied and lied. My approach was very measured—I was terrified and sick, but I was very calm, and even understanding/gracious, because I knew he was going through a hard time. Over the next month I kept circling back giving him chances to be honest, and he lied and lied and gaslit and gaslit. It completely messed with my brain, and i still get weird sick feelings when I think about how much I let the gaslighting tie me in mental knots. After a month I finally snapped out of it—something in my head clicked. It was literally a voice in my head saying "he’s lying to you. It’s all a lie." I disengaged and went into search mode and found clear proof of the affair. When I confronted him that time, something clicked in him and he came clean, and other than one small instance of trickle truth, he does not appear to have ever lied or tried to hide things from me since. Like your husband, he told me he was super relieved when I found out, and I had the same reaction as you.

That month of lying and gaslighting did more damage than him falling in love with and having sex with his AP. I’m distant enough from it now to wrap my head around it and understand it better, but it was so, so destructive. It’s impossible to know how alternate scenarios would have played out, and on some level betrayal is betrayal, but I do think our trajectory would have been easier and better if he had confessed when I first approached him.

[This message edited by Grieving at 11:49 AM, Wednesday, February 26th]

My wife confessed, but she confessed lies. I got trickle truthed and slow rolled. The credibility I extended to her because of her confession ended up hurting me in the long run. I can think of very few stories here where the WS confessed (or were discovered) and were immediately committed to honesty and their BS. Beware believing a proven liar, for any reason.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 3:10 PM, Wednesday, February 26th]

BS - for those of you who your WS came clean about their A, do you think it helped in some way?

Interesting question. In light of previous responses, what made a difference to me and to us was that my W hasn't told a lie since she first revealed her A in answering a question I asked.

So maybe it wasn't discovery vs. confession. Rather, it was honesty vs dishonesty.

Often it's not the A itself that causes D - it's the WS's behavior after the A comes to light that drives the outcome of the M.

Ours was an atypical situation, I think. We had started MC, at H's request, about four months before DDay. I think in his head it was 1/4 "Maybe this will help us" and 3/4 "I'll be able to get out of this marriage without confessing once she really sees how messed up we are". We got lucky and he randomly picked a really great MC from the yellow pages. (Remember those? lol)

Really good, deep things were happening with the MC, and H, who already couldn't stand himself, needed to come clean and let the chips fall where they may. He confessed with no manipulative plan in mind to try to steer the outcome. All he wanted was to be unburdened by all the lies.

After the confession, he was still foggy for a while and still in the A, but barely. The A was dying a natural death as H was shedding his facade. He didn't lie to me anymore once he'd let the big one out. He told me the truth, even when it was super painful, and I respect him greatly for that. He's not a liar anymore.

Confession made a huge difference to me. And having the support of a good MC during that time made all the difference in the world for him and for me and for us. We got lucky in that regard.

PS - sisoon described it perfectly.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:23 PM, Wednesday, February 26th]

I do think a clear moment of transition from lies to honesty is very helpful and can make a big difference. If my husband hadn’t done an about face after DDay 2 and had kept lying or trickle truthing, I feel pretty sure I would’ve been done.

[This message edited by Grieving at 8:12 PM, Wednesday, February 26th]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I appreciate your stories and perspectives. It’s given me something to think about.

sisoon

So maybe it wasn't discovery vs. confession. Rather, it was honesty vs dishonesty.

Often it's not the A itself that causes D - it's the WS's behavior after the A comes to light that drives the outcome of the M.

So very true. I will reframe and take a look at it from this angle. I agree, that the aftermath of the A and how it’s handled by the WS is a key ingredient of the marital outcome.

Bump