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In the time since I’ve emotionally detached from my STBXW, I’ve found myself reprocessing many memories. 20 years: falling in love, kids, friends, joys, struggles. It’s as if I have to go back and revise her character in those times. Kind of like watching the Sixth Sense for the second time, it’s a completely different story once you know that one thing.

But it occurred to me that if she had been able to give me "why", the scope of this could possibly have been contained. Maybe just the A period could have been stained, or I could have had a more generous understanding of her struggles in adulthood.

But parting the way we did, it has left a wasteland of changed memories of the prime of my life. I guess add that to the injustices of it all.

I’m curious if others have had similar experiences and any insight on this process. Is it helpful? Or just inevitable?

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:12 PM, Monday, February 24th]

I think it’s only speculation what you would have felt if she could communicate and let you into her inner world. This sounds a little like the bargaining we do in stages of grief and as you move forward with divorce that is normal. The reality is no why really makes you feel better, but the full picture of her growing from it as well. I have wondered from time to time if she continued to work on herself. I hope so.

I divorced my first husband who was my first love starting at 15, and while there wasn’t infidelity on either side, there was a breaking point in the marriage where I began taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing things very differently. Love dies a very slow death and I suspect this is just part of the last gasps. Very normal. If you were sitting with all the good you would not be able to go through with the divorce. It’s kind of a way that our emotions catch up to our logic. And as hard of a decision this was for you, it’s not surprising that you are going to need time letting go of the picture you had.

I will say after some time that went away for me, and I was able to see us as the kids we were and let the bad feelings go. I can clearly see that his issues were real and I did the right thing for myself, but there were good things there too. It was part of what built me. And while there was never any evidence he loved me as much as I loved him as we divorced, I saw later that wasn’t really a true narrative either. I think it was especially hard because he was my first love, my first big long relationship and so much of my identity was wrapped up in that. Had we stayed together another 20 years, raised children together, and divorced and were still raising children together, I can only imagine that to be a more confusing and painful process excising him from my identity.

But without the bad feelings I wouldn’t have gotten out. When you add in infidelity and all that you went though I don’t know that it will be as clean for you but I imagine you will get to a place where your feelings about it will be detached. It would be weird I think for you to go through this transition without the inevitable heart hardening that needs to happen to execute it and even move through it afterwards.

It’s normal but understandably painful for you. Sorry that you are going through this. It’s getting close now, yes? It’s normal to be sad and thinking in terms of what ifs. What if she opened up? What if I had read all these signs earlier? How did I not see that? Did she ever feel what I felt? That will eventually change over to, wow if I hadn’t let go and made space my life would not be this great thing it is now…That in between part? Yeah it’s a bitch.

I can see that. But still, it feels like without some narrative to help me make sense of it all that my mind doesn’t know when to stop. Like Sadness in Inside Out touching core memories and turning them blue, and it just keeps spreading. I don’t understand my life and I don’t know if I ever will again. What was real and what was lies and manipulations?

And maybe I’m over correcting, both just naturally and practically to propel me thru this process. But add reinterpreting your adult life to the list of things to fear in divorce.

It’s for sure an existential crisis to go through a divorce and especially for you where this has been as far as I know the only big relationship of your life. I think this makes it cut deeper, and darker. I am definitely not trying to minimize the impact you are feeling of that right now. A crisis like this isn’t solved quickly.

I have been through similar periods in life a few times and trying to figure out what once was never really translated to being as important as what is or what will be.

Confidence is not knowing all the answers. Confidence is knowing you can and will get to the other side of it. I know how far you have come and I have confidence that you will walk through this with strength and grace you don’t see until hindsight.

Also, I think it may be a little bit where you two grew up together your feelings of identity are not quite separate enough to feel like some of her issues were not really about you. Who she was or is will soon not be as important as who you are and knowing exactly who that is. I have seen these glimmers in your posts for a while, on your best days you know you are an impactful leader and a loving person who loves to kiss babies. Someone who is worth leaving the party early to experience the wonders of passion and romance.

I am not at all trying to invalidate the pure hell you have been through and are still going through. It’s just every storm will run out of rain. At some point, figuring out this puzzle will fall to the wayside to figure out better puzzles that are productive and more within your control.

It’s very natural to feel what you are describing. Pray through it. God has not left you. You are so divinely loved and you can keep surrendering to him as he guides you down this uncertain path. He will carry as much of the weight as you need.

You may never have these answers, or you might get them. But regardless you will be able to heal and be whole eventually as you more deeply recognize it hasn’t a lot to do with you. She could have married someone else and she would have still been on this journey of needing to find self worth and taking that lack out on someone else. Did she bring out the best in you at times? Likely. Did she bring out the worst? Definitely. But that part you can control moving forward and I think will strengthen you to do so.

Your mind, heart, soul is grieving on what could have been. This is part of moving through it and it’s excessively painful. Feel it and let it move through. You will soon see you were the sky, not the storm that visited it. Sorry for all the weather analogies but this is me praying for your rainbow.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:29 PM, Monday, February 24th]

Also now might be a good time to start that Eckhardt Tolle book if you haven’t. If you read it I think you may find the answers you are seeking and they aren’t what you think they are. It’s a little woo woo in the beginning, stay with it, it changed my life. I am rereading it now.

I know what you mean. Because my H cheated so early in our marriage, and again twice more over the first sixteen years, everything from two months through DDay is tainted. I don't look at photos from that time period too often. I just see a stranger in him. The man I thought I knew and the life I thought I had were a sham.

Thankfully, he complied when I grilled him and I got answers. I'm sorry that you didn't get yours.

Thankfully, he complied when I grilled him and I got answers. I'm sorry that you didn't get yours.

I got some answers about the A, but I don’t believe at this point that I got a good faith, honest telling of it. So I have my house of cards and I’ll move on with it. But I don’t understand her, the person I slept next to for so long, who raised my kids. It’s disturbing. I think one reason I fought so hard for R was to get answers like these. Past what and when and where, but really down to why.

I know we say that knowing why won’t make us feel better. And that might be true in the short term, that it won’t take away the burning hot pain. But it seems to me that for where I am today that it would help. Because I’m plugging holes and trying to be as accurate as I can. Hard for me to believe it wouldn’t benefit from more truth.

Also now might be a good time to start that Eckhardt Tolle book if you haven’t.

I bought it, haven’t read it yet, but can’t find it. I’ll keep my eyes open for it.

In the time since I’ve emotionally detached from my STBXW, I’ve found myself reprocessing many memories. 20 years: falling in love, kids, friends, joys, struggles. It’s as if I have to go back and revise her character in those times. Kind of like watching the Sixth Sense for the second time, it’s a completely different story once you know that one thing.

But it occurred to me that if she had been able to give me "why", the scope of this could possibly have been contained. Maybe just the A period could have been stained, or I could have had a more generous understanding of her struggles in adulthood.

You've changed your rose-colored glasses for ones that are over critical. There were feelings there even as damaged as she turned out to be. There were certainly joyful moments and the struggles were real. She will always have played an important part of your life.

I've had this. My memories have had lots of re-sorting. I know there were good times even great in my M but so many horrid times as well and all colored through his cheating throughout the entire M (and my own RA).

Like Sadness in Inside Out touching core memories and turning them blue, and it just keeps spreading.

This was such a great analogy

I think it is inevitable but eventually you will be able to remember the good as good, bad as bad as whatever is inbetween.

I am at a point where I am not bothered by the containment of why. It is what it is and what happened has happened. There was no other healthy way for me but to end the M, unless I wanted to be miserable for the rest of my life which I didn't want that gamble with the amount of years I have left on this earth.

Hard for me to believe it wouldn’t benefit from more truth.

There are many questions that have been left unanswered, truths I will never know. I have made peace with that and I believe one day you will too

I have seen these glimmers in your posts for a while, on your best days you know you are an impactful leader and a loving person who loves to kiss babies.

It’s been a tough week, it’s true. On top of the burden of divorcing, there has been some friendship conflict and delays in the process that have weighed me down. Thanks for the silver linings

Hard for me to believe it wouldn’t benefit from more truth.

I will say this, she could never give you a truth she herself doesn’t likely have. It took me years to dissect my own truth and I am like you my mind doesn’t quit. I don’t think it’s being withheld, but I also don’t know if it’s being learned. A person has to get brave enough to look at themselves in a way she may or may not have been capable of. Getting past blaming the circumstances of the marriage would require her to overcome the fragility of her ego. And I think she was firmly planted in resentments. This keeps you as the scapegoat and from becoming more curious about her shortcomings.

I think what you are talking about here is closure and if it at all helps, we can always work to give that to ourselves. My guess is the marriage started for the right reasons and often had those reasons present. But over time the things she was lacking ate at her to a place that was unsustainable without seeking intervention which she avoided (likely a lack of self awareness). That may or may be it be true for everyone, but I do have some knowledge of her.

Keep in mind that manipulation is often not about malicious intent, it’s often more about avoidant people finding ways to get what we want without having to experience conflict. . And for your wife, her anxiety and lack of self worth probably led her to be controlling and inflexible on what she thought she needed. This is not mysterious to you.

Maybe it would help to write down somewhere what your fears are about those earlier times. And then ask yourself, okay if this is my deepest fear about that time how does it feel to believe it’s true? I bet you will find it less earth shattering.

I find rumination to be a big obstacle too. We are both analytical. The best gift you can give yourself is learning to change the channel.that’s just likely not to happen until the ink is dry and the anticipation of the final acts are behind you. I said write it down because often it helps keep us from going in loops. I like to make lots of lists myself, because it helps me from covering the same ground over and over.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:35 PM, Monday, February 24th]

I think one reason I fought so hard for R was to get answers like these. Past what and when and where, but really down to why.

Ink, this very closely mimics my thoughts, but in searching more deeply into why I want to hear her why’s, I think what I’m actually after is her acknowledging and owning her poor choices. I want her to come out and say it. Through my own therapy I feel I already have a pretty good idea of her why’s. Apparently I can psychoanalyze now. I guess I must have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night! LOL!

Another way of communicating what I’m feeling about this is a family wanting to find the remains of a loved one they know is dead. It doesn’t fix anything, but we all know it brings some kind of closure even if it’s not logical.

That makes sense. You spent a lot of
Time trying to get there.

But I don’t understand her, the person I slept next to for so long, who raised my kids. It’s disturbing. I think one reason I fought so hard for R was to get answers like these. Past what and when and where, but really down to why.

I know we say that knowing why won’t make us feel better. And that might be true in the short term, that it won’t take away the burning hot pain. But it seems to me that for where I am today that it would help. Because I’m plugging holes and trying to be as accurate as I can. Hard for me to believe it wouldn’t benefit from more truth.

If you haven't given yourself a high level view of what you do know, I urge you to develop one. You may know more than you think you do.

I do know why my W cheated. I don't know how much it helped. I remember I wanted to understand because I like understanding things. I still can't understand how my W chose to cheat.

You've lost a lot - love, companionship, illusion, money, time. You've gained a lot of crap - anger, grief, fear, shame, self-esteem, time, energy, effort.... I think your line of thinking is a way of dealing with being betrayed. IOW, if you knew why your WS cheated, IMO you'd feel as bad as you do now, but your thoughts would be slightly different - that's just an untestable hypothesis, though.

Your life will almost definitely improve, because you continue to deal with the crap as it comes up. That's painful, I know. I'm also convinced that that is the way to minimize the pain. we can minimize the pain, IMO, but we can't escape it.

I know we say that knowing why won’t make us feel better. And that might be true in the short term, that it won’t take away the burning hot pain

I don't have a lot of value to add to this thread. As someone who got zero closure my end, I suspect getting some form of answer may have helped. Just a confession so I didn't think I was crazy for so long. An apology would have been better still.

Logically though, I've got to say, the why really doesn't matter. We are prone to over analyze everything, especially in this space. That's not a criticism, generally that's a wonderful thing.

That being said, you can't tell me the answer never simply boils to being... In that moment she was a bad person. Bad people do bad things and to hell with the consequences.

This isn't to say she was always a bad person. It's not even to say she is a bad person currently. She was in that moment.

Sometimes it can be a bad person has conned you into thinking they weren't who they said they were until you discover the real them. Double lifers, serial cheats etc.

Sometimes a hormonal change or mental health crises obfuscates their judgment making them a bad person.

An almost infinite number of scenarios could collide in an almost unfathomable amount of vectors. The answer is always the same though. They were a bad person. Either in a moment or for prolonged periods. Or sometimes just are a bad person.

Sometimes you can do something in a moment that is unforgivable. Cheating for many is just that. Imagine if I lost my temper and punched my partner. Completely out of character for who my partner thought I was. My partner didn't think I would be capable of such a thing. It would be over between us off the back of that action. Simply because for one moment I was a bad person.

Apologies if this is no help.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:07 PM, Monday, February 24th]

Same for me, Ink, I think.

We have photo albums from then.

They’re full of photos of some woman I don’t know. So many photos of a stranger.

And she looks happy in them.

Sigh.

We have photo albums from then.

They’re full of photos of some woman I don’t know. So many photos of a stranger.

And she looks happy in them.

Sometimes we create poetry on accident.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 10:03 PM, Monday, February 24th]