Fracturedfool (original poster new member #84734) posted at 2:17 AM on Monday, February 24th, 2025
Another poster on this forum posted about her WH constant lying about things. I am encountering the same. I get triggered by his families disrespect of me, pretending I don’t exist (married 44 years this year) since his EA with former AP (his sisters best friend). SIL gave him the piece of trash’s number when he visited in 2022. Anyhow after some sleuthing I found the past 3 years he has used his personal savings account to pay for gift cards for her whole family at Christmas and hid the receipts in the garage. He never told me he sent them and neglected to put my name on the cards. I didn’t bring it up until I was in the garage today. I said "what’s that stack of receipts from the drug store doing in the garage when everything else is in the house on the counter for me to shred?". He quickly exited the room saying " Oh they are just ones I forgot in my pockets, no reason." He doesn’t know I’ve already seen them and know what they are. I have heard of something called compartmentalizations whereby the guilty party is trying to separate his 2 lives and only shows me one side, the lying deceitful coward.nHis blood relatives only see his generous suck-up side. BTW he trashed talked all of them before his make-up visit. Any thoughts on how you would handle this?
Me BS 70 WH 72 M 42 yrs Together 52 yrs D days 1976-1979 New D day Jan 1 2023
Should have believed what he was the first time
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:22 AM on Monday, February 24th, 2025
For me, we ended up divorcing. He lied constantly and did not treat me well. I couldn't see spending another 20-25 years with him.
When trying to decide whether to stay or go, he showed he wasn't changing to be a safe partner. I wasn't going to spend 20-25 years being treated like that.
[This message edited by leafields at 4:49 PM, Monday, February 24th]
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
Webbit ( member #84517) posted at 8:40 AM on Monday, February 24th, 2025
Hi Fractured, not sure if the other poster is me BUT I have definitely mentioned how much my WH would lie or withhold the truth a lot before his A. Even about what seems like very trivial things just to avoid any type of confrontation. My therapist said it’s like he is a little boy lying to not get in trouble and that is exactly what it was like, and he could do it with such ease.
It wasn’t until his A that this really came up as a BIG issue. He would always laugh small lies off until the he couldn’t anymore. The day he tried to lie to me about his A was quite pathetic really and I used to mock him quite a lot about it (he told me he went to her house to help with the gardens, in the middle of his work day 😂).
So that was a big boundary for us. Any lie or omission of truth about anything would be a big red flag that he was not changing the way I would like. Since D-Day he has had one omission of truth (he went to a soccer game without telling me and hoped I wouldn’t find out) and after that he went back to therapy to try and work out why he couldn’t just say the truth. Since then I have not caught him out once. He struggles sometimes to tell me the truth, won’t look me in the eye BUT he does tell me the truth.
Is this a boundary you have both have discussed?
[This message edited by Webbit at 8:41 AM, Monday, February 24th]
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 1:54 PM on Monday, February 24th, 2025
"When trying to decide whether to stay or go, he showed he wasn't changing to be a safe partner."
I am so sorry that many of us experienced this. I posted a bit about this recently. I was watching some online content recently where the poster talked about "amplification" in relation to choosing a partner. It was like a truth bomb went off in my head when I watched that video.
My take away is to ask myself if I want to see more of what I am seeing? Cause we "ain’t gonna change" who someone is.
To be fair, exwh lied about important things from the start of our relationship to the end and beyond. So I didn’t actually knew who he really was when I was getting into the relationship. That said, when he revealed who he really was (actual attributes he had like lying), I needed to pay attention. I am not the only person he has lied to or about. I am also not the only person who says he cheated on them in a relationship….
Conclusion: not a safe marriage partner for me at any speed. Hence, he is exwh.
I do think people can work really hard and have good inputs spiritually, socially, therapy/
medically. And this can damper more negative tendencies along with amplifying more positive ones.
I am truly sorry for the negative impact of lies on our lives.
"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:08 PM on Monday, February 24th, 2025
To clarify, my response is not advice as to how to handle lying. It was me sharing my experience that it was a substantial part of why I ended the marriage to exwh.
"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:12 PM on Monday, February 24th, 2025
My xWS was an expert of all lies. He too was like a little boy afraid of getting caught and when he was caught it was my fault for finding out or he would not be accountable and deflect. I too couldn't live like this. It got to a point where when his lips were moving I believed he was lying. I couldn't discern truth from lies anymore.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:14 PM, Monday, February 24th]
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 12:09 AM on Wednesday, February 26th, 2025
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 33 years
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:34 AM on Thursday, February 27th, 2025
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
