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So I had an opportunity to look at my husband’s phone, he passed out drunk and left it open. I saw messages to the Ap telling her he loved her and how shit his life is and how passive aggressive and angry I am. She replied I love you too. Then a few messages from him.

He said he wouldn’t text her until a random date that is around Easter when I am supposed to be away. I just lost it with him. And I have told my sister which he now annoys and accused me of running our marriage by telling her. Here I am again, I knew something was up with every evening him being angry with me. He is right I have been passive aggressive and angry but clearly I have reason. In my anger I have said I want a divorce

I am so sorry Lemonpie .
I am still in pain myself after more then 3 years, so I definitely empathize with your pain and anger .
No advice here but just giving you support and a big hug !! You are not alone .
Stay strong ..

Thank you, it is exactly two years to the day I found out he was sleeping with her.

Are your eyes finally open to who he really is? It ends when you decide it will end.

Implement the 180! He is still active in his A. As you know, you can’t control him. He is acting very wayward. Very sorry your are in this situation. But he is not R material at this point. Take care of you. Don’t engage with him, he will only try to hurt you.

You are making a good decision to D. You don’t have to continue living life the way you have been and it’s more proof that he was never remorseful or cared how this would affect you.

Big hugs, Lemonpie. I'm really sorry.

Awful Lemonpie that you have this heartbreaking situation. It is so hard to understand this. Maybe it can't be explained, so many things in life also can't be explained. It just is. Finally after these limbo years and especially the last few weeks, I am turning a corner and can see a different future for me and for him. One that does not include our marriage or even being together. Which sometimes feels very sad, but when I work through that - it makes sense now. It still feels unusual and something I am surprised to feel about him. I only ever wanted to be right next to him. My only chance for happiness and to find myself again is to move forward with a divorce. I must try. And, I feel relief, which is a new feeling since d day.

Thank you, I think I am in a bit of shock. He has just woken up and told me, he doesn’t want the marriage to end, he had no one. He kept focusing on the fact I told my sister and basically it is my fault I have no boundaries and I just tell everyone everything (some truth there). He was like she was there for him, and he barely speaks to her, he doesn’t want to divorce blah blah blah

I was like at a very basic level to show me, you cared about the marriage you should have left your job or cut her out. How was I suppose to heal or move on when I kept catching you with her.

He has actually tried to make out that this is my fault. Didn’t even apologise until I told him to. He is now saying he will give up drinking and to add a cherry on top she was coming to his work place this week and he told her not to. He expected me to be grateful for this.

I am resolved today, I have spoke to a friend and I am done. I have tried so hard to forgive him and I think I need to end this marriage to save it. Who knows maybe he will sort himself out but I can’t keep living like this. I am afraid though it won’t be easy. I imagine I will have to live in this country with no family support
Thank you for all your support

I think you are on the right path.

His A never stopped.

A cheater picks both while both is an option.

He never stopped working with AP.

He broke NC.

Sending strength.

I'm so sorry, Lemonpie. At this point, filing for D is best for you and probably best for him, too.

Remember: you can heal without R, and healing is going to be easier without the burden of a partner who continues to lie, maintain an A, and numb himself with alcohol. I'm sorry your H has not accepted this opportunity to heal, but I'm happy you're not letting that oppress you any longer.

Don't end your marriage to save it; do it to save yourself.

Before Dday1&2, I couldn't imagine a life without my wife. Now I can't imagine a life with her. Heal yourself.

Thank you everyone, I need strength, I have remained steadfast that this is it for me. I have told him the only way to save this is he quits his job but he has made it clear that he won’t as he thinks moving office locations was enough which I have pointed out it isn’t as over two years it hasn’t stopped him from contacting her. He has money tied up in this and has made cleae

Now today, he is trying to push my boundaries, asking for a kiss, putting the blame on me, it is your fault for telling everyone. Saying he doesn’t want a divorce I do and I am going to ruin the family, I will need to live somewhere crap and I will have to work full time. He says he will quit drinking but because I am remaining clear that this is it, he has gone to get alcohol. He is then trying to pretend like we are happy families he has done this before. I am trying to be nice for the kids, even though inside I am fuming, then switching it to it is your fault for telling your sister.

I need some reassurance that him telling his APhe loves her is bad right? He is trying to dismiss it as it is not that bad he hasn’t seeing her in months (I am not sure I believe that now) etc etc

Stay strong.

Him contacting AP at all is an enormous re-betrayal.

Him telling AP he loves her is a breathtaking offense.

Him blaming you, that is manipulation and abuse, pure and simple.

Stay strong.

I need some reassurance that him telling his APhe loves her is bad right?

It's TERRIBLE! So is his promise to stop drinking, especially if it's 'I'll stop if you'll stay.'

A parent can love multiple kids. One person can love multiple friends, if that means 'enjoy being with them, want the best for the, etc.' A teena can think they're in love with multiple people they know and a few celebrities.

A spouse or SO who expresses love for someone other than their partner who is a potential/current/past sex partner is not a good partner, especially if they don't acknowledge that.

How very manipulative of your WS. He is trying to scare you into submission and this is far from a healthy M and aftermath of a 2nd D Day. You need to be prepared for him to get worse if you decide to leave. He is throwing anything he can in desperation that it will stick and you will back down.

These types of WS's (my ex included) will blame the M ending on you and breaking up the family on you. Please do not take it personally as you have bent yourself into a pretzel at your expense to save a M not worth saving.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:24 PM, Monday, February 24th]

Trust yourself, friend. You know it's bad, and that it's not you ruining the family.

Do you have an appointment with a solicitor yet?

Thank you! I feel really proud of myself, I told him I was done and I was going to get legal advice. Today he has gone from, we don’t hate each other, we should remain married to this is your fault it will ruin the kids. Then he occasionally apologises and admits it is all on him. He even told his brother and the reason

Anyway I have remained strong, I started to doubt myself tonight as he didn’t drink and was really helpful with the kids. Suddenly offered to move into the spare bedroom and to give me space that I asked by moving out for the week. I started to doubt myself but then I read my previous threads on here and reminded myself of the cycles we have been in.

See him for the manipulative liar he is. Also a cheater who still is in contact with the OW.

Don’t let him gaslight you.

When he says anything to you - you are not required to respond. You can just walk away with a one word answer if you must.

When he says things like - "you want the D I don’t" - you can just say "I can no longer be married to someone who continues to cheat".

Read up on the 180. It will help you during this tough period.