SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there.

I would be really grateful for some friendly advice as I feel that my world is ending at the moment.

I met my partner when I was 17 (I am 45, now) and she was 16 and I felt (and still do) think she is the most beautiful woman alive.

We hit it off almost immediately and we were pretty much inseparable, ever since.

Everyone said that they have never seen two people so in love and were always joking about what our children would look like etc.

We did everything together and we even went to the same university, so we could be together.

When I was 33, however, things started to feel a bit "off" and I noticed that she was different.

I agreed to leave for a month or so but, after lots of talking on the phone, we agreed for me to come back.

I moved back in and many months later, she started to have stomach issues - she went to the doctor's and was told that she was very pregnant (i.e. very near to giving birth). It sounds very strange that neither of us picked this up as my partner had put on quite a lot of weight all over and she simply did not look pregnant, plus here periods never fully stopped.

I was over-the-moon (happiest I have ever been) but she was devastated and I simply could not work out why.

She told me that she had to leave and would explain later, so off she went.

I begged here to stay and was so confused but she assumed that the stress of being a mum (very shortly) was getting to her.

After a few days, she phoned me and it all came out - she was having an affair with a colleague (six months) in total and decided to break things off with me, when the guilt got too much. When we decided for me to mover back in, she had broken off the affair and thought that things would go on as normal.

I was DEVASTATED by all this and simply refused to believe any of it at first - simply could not believe that we were talking about the same person that I had known for my entire adult life.

She had the baby and came round to see me and she looked awful - this should have been the happiest day of her life.

I realised that I still loved her and wanted to look after her and the baby.

Things have been tough over the last ten years, though we have had some very, very happy times.

I love my son with all my heart and he is my best friend - we will always be together. My family love him, dearly, as well.

However, the hurt has eaten away at me over the years and my relationship with my partner has suffered a lot.

I want to just pretend that it never happened but, the truth is, I never really got over this.

I had a bit of a breakdown some months ago and was having panic attacks about the whole thing - I am having trouble working.

Is it normal to be so upset after 10 years?

When I say upset, I mean absolutely devastated as to how this all happened.

Sometimes, I work out how many decades I have to live as I feel that I cannot take the pain any more.

I would never commit suicide (ever) but sometimes I feel that that would be the only way to deal with things - I cannot be with my partner if it is causing me this pain but I would be just as bad if I left and could not be with them every day.

Any advice at all would be so much appreciated.

I would say that my partner has done everything she possibly can to try and make things as good as she can, other than breaking off contact with the other person (for visitation purposes). I do fully trust her again but I was always a believer that infidelity was an absolute deal breaker for me.

I most terrified for my son - I have brought him up and it would be so sad for him to have to live without me, with my visiting him only once a week, like his biological father. He never asked for any of this and it makes my heart break.

Please do get some professional help ASAP to deal with your emotions and what appears to be suicide ideation.

Brother I understand the pain. Adultery is very destructive to our identity and sense of self and our sense of worth.

You may be clinically depressed. You need a counselor and possibly medical help. Get a counselor with betrayal trauma experience.

As for what you’re experiencing, I’m not at all surprised, even 10 years out. The presence of the OM in terms of visitation is just a brutal reminder every time.

Get some help. You can and will and must make it through this, for the sake of your son. And besides, none of this was your fault.

Praying right now for you that you begin to see healing from this

Is it normal to be so upset after 10 years?

It sounds like you two mostly swept things under the rug without dealing with all of the complicated thoughts and feelings that come from a huge betrayal. I second the recommendation for professional help from someone who specializes in trauma.

I do fully trust her again but I was always a believer that infidelity was an absolute deal breaker for me.

I think we all were... until it happened to us. It can feel like a huge betrayal of self to stay with someone who hurt us so badly. There's a lot of work to do there.

Thank you - really appreciate your response.

I do feel quite alone at the moment - most of my friends do not know my situation, so I cannot talk with them.

I also do not really want to upset my family with this.

I have arranged a meeting with a Counsellor, to see whether that helps.

I have tried antidepressants (Zoloft} but they feel like putting a plaster over the wound, rather than trying to heal the wound.

What makes me most upset is that I was (and am) the most faithful person you could ever meet. I avoided friendships with anyone of the opposite sex, I always made sure that she knew where I was. I even avoided ever making comments about female celebrities, just in case it evoked any sense of jealousy.

I feel that I have made a rod for my own back - I don't think anyone should adore another human being, the way I have done, without risking the feelings that I am now.

I was looking on Reddit for advice but that has made me feel worse - everyone on there goes along the line of only someone without a backbone would even consider taking someone back.

They also say that, after an affair, the relationship is never the same.

I have had long periods when I never thought about it at all but am worried that, for some reason, my brain has now ruined what could have been a happy 30 or 40 years.

I wondered many things to myself as I read your post.

I agree with sacred soul that it sounds like you all did not go through a process that might have helped you heal more.

However, the raising of the child that came from the affair is bittersweet in many ways because you love your son so much it’s difficult to process at the same time the natural resentments and reminders that would come with this situation.

I think there are going to be a lot of conflicting emotions to work through, some that you may not even want to admit to yourself. Do you have biological children with her as well?

I generally agree therapy may be a good start. The thing about infidelity is that it can take other traumas and make them all bigger. Also it’s hard for us sometimes to know how to deal with emotional and let aspects of it go for our greater peace.

It sounds like in some ways you wish you could end the marriage but then you worry about how that would really feel.

A lot of this is probably magnified by holding a lot of it in. I think you should have a conversation with your wife stating that the conflict you feel about the situation has done nothing but grow the last ten years and you think you will be seeking some therapy. And in time you may want her to see a marital therapist with you. That you feel there were some steps missed in your reconciliation and unfortunately the only way to attempt to move past this is to reopen it and try to clean the wound. That you are hoping it can mean that there could be a better relationship moving forward, but that you do not know how it will turn out.

I think that exercising your options is not meant to threaten your family unit but one that has to be tried in order for this marriage to be what you want it to be. And she needs to understand that. And hopefully she has examined herself enough in those ten years that perhaps she can help you in ways you are not anticipating.

I can not imagine how hard this all must be for you, but what you are doing can’t continue because it is eating you alive.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:26 PM, Wednesday, February 19th]

Agree that you should probably find a therapist that specializes in trauma. 10 years is a long time to be feeling this way it's one of the reasons I left my M. Not only because he wasn't remorseful and NPD but that I didn't want to feel that way anymore. Being divorced has been a blessing for me. It's not always the doom and gloom others think it might be. I do not think of my ex or the A's anymore. They no longer have the hold on me they used to have.

Maybe after seeing an IC you can then begin M counseling. It does sound like you still love your wife and I feel so bad for your situation having to raise a child that is not yours but love as your child just the same. That is to be commended. Agree that having the OM in your lives for the foreseeable future would be triggering. I hope your wife has been remorseful all these years and done some work on herself.

It is also ok that the A could have been a dealbreaker, but you will have to come to that conclusion after you have exhausted every avenue.

I wish you and your family well and hope you can find peace of mind in your future.

I was looking on Reddit for advice but that has made me feel worse - everyone on there goes along the line of only someone without a backbone would even consider taking someone back.

They also say that, after an affair, the relationship is never the same.

As a regular redditor, I want to apologize that the advice you were given made you feel worse. Reddit thinks tough love is the answer to everything.

Tough love sometimes works. It can sometimes wake up people who've been boxed into toxic situations and they aren't aware how truly awful they're being treated. Kind of like a wake up call. On the other hand sometimes tough love can simply scare off vulnerable people and leave them in a state of in action.

An important question to ask yourself is, do you wish you hadn't stayed all this time?

If so, perhaps reddits advice wasn't too off it was just provided in a immature manner.

Generally, you're going to have to ask yourself what you want out of life and work in that direction. Easier said than done

I’ll share my experience, not to shame you at all but to give some hope. Your situation is different than mine in meaningful ways, but I still think it’s worth sharing.

My wife had a 3 1/2 year long affair. I found out coming up on 3 years ago now. I was destroyed. Never felt that kind of devastation before. I tried to R with her, but she kept lying and heaping on disloyalties. I made the choice to divorce almost a year ago. I used to feel like you describe. I don’t anymore. I attribute that to therapy, learning to advocate for what I needed while I was trying to R, and exploring all the pain and intricacies thru writing here and journaling. I believe that getting away from her has helped my mental health as well.

The main take away here should be that healing is possible. You don’t have to wish away your life because you assume there is only pain ahead. You can be happy again.

From what little you’ve written, my gut tells me that if the choice comes down to staying with her and being miserable or leaving and being happy, you will choose her. I think you need to attack this in therapy. I wish you nothing but the best.

When i found out about the affair, I was in shock. I couldn't think about divorce because of the shock. It was a dealbreaker, I just didn't know it yet. My friend was with me when I found out. She tried to give me advice, but I couldn't hear her. She told me I needed to file. I was so confused and told her that wasn't going to happen because I was still in live with my husband. Her response was so profound. "StillLivin, you can still file and be in love. It won't take the love away, but you haven't been happy for a long time." She was right. At that point, he'd treated me pretty shitty for a few years. Even up to when the divorce was final(took almost a year), I was still in love with him and it hurt. However, severing pur marriage is what finally allowed me to start healing. As time went on, I was able to heal and to process just how shitty of a man he was to me for the cheating and everything else. Today, I've been divorced for a decade. I look back now and I'm so glad I let him go. I always deserved better than a cheater. It took time. And that time wouldn't start until after the marriage was legally dissolved.
I cannot advise you to stay or to leave. I can give you a little insight to my experience and maybe it will help you. Maybe cheating is still a dealbreaker, only you can determine that. I only know, that I finally have peace and I don't miss the cheater at all anymore. I think if I'd stayed, even if he treated me better after, I would still be miserable because I wouldn't have been able to process just how F'ed up what he did to me was and I would still love him, which means I loved him more than I loved myself. That is not the natural order of things. It kind of seems like you love her more than you love yourself and that's what's keeping you stuck in this cycle of pain.

There is info about teenagers imprinting on their first love and never really letting go. That sounds like you. It is going to take some serious therapy to get past it. I agree with others. IC ASP.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:58 AM, Thursday, February 20th]

Thank you everyone for your further responses.

In the end, I had a heart-to-heart with my partner and we concluded that, if I just could not get past the affair, it would be best if we separate.

All three of us are heartbroken (I do not have any biological children with my partner) and I realise that I have zero visitation rights, now, so will have to accept that I will be lucky to see my son when I can - my partner is a kind person so I will still be allowed to visit.

Life seems so complicated, now - my son having to have visits from two separate Dads.

The thought of no seeing him every day and not being able to spend the say with him, on occasions like birthdays and Christmas, is absolutely killing me.

On a slightly selfish note, the thought of suddenly living on my own (which I have never done) is terrifying and I am worried about the loneliness to come.

Have I made the right decision?

I knew that whether I stayed or went, I was going to be miserable. I am a kind and loving person and I cannot work out what I have done to be in this position.

I am also now racked with guilt. My partner did ask me why I am doing this after 10 years. I feel that I have wrecked both of their lives by not being able to stay - i.e. I should have immediately left, when I found out about the affair as I have just made things worse for all of us, now.

[This message edited by Anon1983 at 10:53 AM, Sunday, March 2nd]

She did this.

She did this.

She did this.

She did a terrible thing. She can’t complain about the outcome.

You have done a lot more than many men would have. She’s lucky, and doesn’t deserve the grace you have given her.

Your son has had a full time father for 10 years. That’s a lot more than many. He’s so lucky to have had you in his life. He’ll be ok.

If you haven’t talked to a lawyer about what your rights are going forward, you should.

You should also be sure you know what her rights are, going forward.

None of us can tell you if it’s the correct decision.

What I can suggest is that maybe your whole family unit has been living under stress-conditions since the whole thing started... That you, your partner and even your son have not really had a "normal" situation.
MAYBE you and your partner would benefit from talking to a therapist/counselor about your situation. This could be done with several goals, because irrespective of if this relationship ends or not the two of you will be in contact about the son.

One goal would be to confirm my suspicion about the trauma-environment. Irrespective of your relationship future or status I’m guessing that is something you both have to individually deal with. Even if you separate this would benefit YOU moving on.
Another goal is that – if you still decide to separate – this helps you in doing so in a mentally healthy way. Both for you two and your son.
A third is that it gives you the tools to do the MOST important thing:
Instead of asking us if this is the right decision, YOU can decide on it and act accordingly.

Once again: Get professional help.

Moving forward is not always easy but is absolutely necessary. You'll find an appropriate balance with your wife and son. Just have faith that that will work out.

and I realise that I have zero visitation rights, now, so will have to accept that I will be lucky to see my son when I can - my partner is a kind person so I will still be allowed to visit.

Is the AP actually on your son's birth certificate? As "kind" as your wife may be, with your son being so young, why would he have any legal rights at all? You raised your son. I assume you are the legal father.
Check with an attorney, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that your wife cuts the POS out of your lives altogether until the three of you can figure out your new life together. If your son wants to reconnect with him as an adult, that's his prerogative. But in the interim, she should be willing to support giving the POS the boot until you're ready for him to come back. If ever.
Stay strong.

You won't always feel as bad as you do now. You've pushed off dealing with your feelings about the A for 10 years. If you face your feelings and process them now, I have no idea what you'll conclude, but I'd bet the farm that you'll feel different - and a lot better.

*****

I suggest reading about 'limerence'. The standard text is Dorothy Tannov's Love and Limerence. She argues that some of us are limerent and some of us aren't. It looks like you're limerent, and your W is your limerent object. You can certainly D. Maybe you can R. But the limerent response is largely involuntary and nothing to be ashamed of.

*****

One line of thought that is very helpful in healing is to remember that no one knows you better than you do yourself, that you have to find your own way out of infidelity, and that you can D and R through weakness or strength. Whatever you do with your M, I urge you to do it from strength.

Personally, I think going after as much of what you want as possible is strength. Going after what other people tell you to want is weakness.

That is, if you both want R and are willing to do the work, R is likely to work well for you. If you both want R but one or both are unwilling to do the work, R is unlikely to work well. If one or both of you want D, R is unlikely to work for you.

If you're a BS, ignoring the people who think staying with a cheater ipso facto is weak is the best course of action.

And you're a lot stronger than you realize.