SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have the choice every day to stay or go.

Funny, the things you listed was like a check list for me, yep, yep, yep.

I stayed in limbo for two years, I couldn’t decide.

Change your thinking and ask yourself is she the kind of person or the person that you want to be waking up beside in 10 years?

Never mind others, do you like her? How do you feel when you are with her. Do you like her?

When I truly got to these questions. I already knew my answer was no.

I made the right decision

Do not let anyone decide for you.

And as for your old flame, they are irrelevant in this decision. It is all about you, no one else. No dreaming for a better time. This person you actually don’t know.

Sum of your situation:

The 1st Wife:
I am going to be blunt.

Your wife is not a nice person.

I think (for me) the comment about your father "dying faster" was the most uncaring, cold, mean thing someone could say.

She’s not able to have feelings like you expect or need. Period. In a nutshell.

Maybe she has no filter. But the idea she told you about a birthday party for you and then didn’t follow through "because she was too busy" is selfish behavior. She could have made dinner reservations and invited a few friends to attend. Not hard - takes no more than an hour to execute.

Not sure why you want to stay with someone who makes you unhappy.

This sounds like a textbook example of the abuse cycle. You're only 40? I was 55 when I extricated myself from a similar marriage (but with the extra sauce of a raging sex addiction). It took awhile to crawl from the wreckage but I somehow found who I used to be and I gotta tell ya, she is awesome!

I wasted 22 of my prime years on someone who didn't value me so I totally get the agonizing choices around the sunk cost fallacy.

I hope you do manage to crawl from this wreckage and find the awesome person you are and what he deserves.

Recommend staying away from relationships until you sort all that out. I'm 71 now and still single. Can honestly say I love my life now and that idiot who abused me can pound sand.

The best thing you can do is find your anger and get out of this mess with your pretty abuser.

Hi folks, I have a big update here. It's been a while so I'm not totally sure where I left off.

A little over three weeks ago I scheduled meetings with two psychologists. One of them is meh, but the other was really good.

The good psych asked me if my W was someone who built me up and helped me to achieve my dreams. Someone I would want to be married to for the rest of my life. I don't know why, but that combination of questions brought me the clarity I was searching for. I felt sick in my stomach but knew that this marriage wasn't for me.

The psych and I talked more and I asked why it was so difficult for me to make the decision, and they said that I didn't have a recent 'smoking gun' moment. It was a bunch of (to me) little stuff that I just tolerated just enough.

I was in a pretty bad mood for most of the rest of the day, finally knowing in my gut and heart that the marriage wasn't right for me but unsure how to proceed.

Later that evening my W got upset and got kind of violent with our dog. And that was it. I was done.

I told her that I didn't want to continue the relationship. It was really hard, and a really long conversation late into the night, and she said everything under the sun to try to get me to change my mind. I pictured my friends all standing behind me supporting me, and I stuck to my decision.

At one point she said something like I had done a lot of things wrong which made my jaw drop in that moment.

After the discussion I chose to sleep downstairs. Soon after she left the house extremely upset at about 4am. I felt sick and was wrecked with guilt.

I assumed she had gone to her parents, but later that day I got a call from the hospital that she had checked herself in, worried that she might hurt herself. As part of that check-in they transferred her to another facility about an hour away.

My first instinct was to run to her rescue, but my psych (who was pretty much available for me daily after I told them my whole story) advised me not to.

While there she was enrolled in some anger management courses, and she was there for about a week. Upon returning, she offered to move in with her parents for a while to give me space.

Meanwhile I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer to see what divorce would look like for us. I'd done something similar years ago during the affair, but our financial picture is much different now so I needed a fresh take.

After about a week of living with her parents (and about two weeks after I said I didn't want to continue the relationship), she asked to move back in. I said that technically it was still her house so I couldn't stop her from doing that.

The next day, while I was taking a shower, she asked if she could join. I stupidly said yes. While nothing physical happened, something nearly did. Right after I felt like the world's biggest fool. I felt like a complete moron who could just walk back into a relationship with a girl simply because she is pretty and bats her eyes at me when things aren't going well.

I told her after the shower I felt like it was a mistake. She said she shouldn't have asked to join. I was really upset and imagining myself looking back on this moment 20 years from now thinking how stupid I was to stay.

She left for work a little later. I reflected on the shower thing and my fear of the future, and then sent an email off to my lawyer to start the divorce process.

This week I signed the petition. With every day that goes by, I feel better about my decision, and I really don't see myself changing my mind now. So far she is amicable, but every day she tries to get me to change my mind. My psych has warned me that she is likely to get more mean, angry as things progress. I'm sleeping downstairs for now, but I've been working on setting up a backup place with one of my friends.

I feel good about this decision. Thank you all for your input. I've told those four closest friends of mine what is going on, and all are supporting me.

And.... because I know this is an infidelity forum and understand that some of you will wonder.... Old Friend has no idea any of this is going on, and I have no plans to tell her any time soon.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 5:02 AM, Friday, February 21st]

Getting to that moment of clarity where you realize you're free to go is very freeing. I felt a physical release that's hard to explain.

Afterwards, I still cycled through stages of grief. Expect your emotions to fluctuate. After D and processing through, I'm enjoying the peace and contentment of not dealing with XWH and his baggage.

Thanks for the update.

Your wife sounds absolutely horrid. I'm going to compare it to something else horrible. When I was deployed to Bosnia, a man snuck in when I was in the showers and nobody else was around. Long story short, I beat the fuck out of him while butt naked. Now, I was also black and blue because he was bigger and outweighed me, so it wasn't without some bumps and bruises. The next morning, my commander, looking at my swollen face and black eye and messed up jaw and bloody bashed lips, said to me, "Well what were you wearing and what did you do to him that he did this to you?" And yes, I'm using this shocking experience so you can see the gravity of just how horrible your wife is!!!

This commander, in comparison to your wife, owed me little loyalty. Yes, he took vows to serve his country and to protect his soldiers, but he NEVER took a vow to love, honor, and cherish me specifically. I think most would agree, your wife's words and actions are much worse.

Now, WTS, I live by this mantra specifically. If I'm EVER in a relationship (of any kind, doesn't have to be romantic) with someone and they say or do something I would NEVER say or do in a million years, then I need to love myself more than them and walk away. This mantra also implies that if they should say or do something, and they don't, it's also time to bounce.

You say you are "content," but that is not thriving. We can thrive all by ourselves when we treat ourselves right. Being single can be pretty damned amazing. I treat myself to spa days, coach bags (because I love a lot of their purses), fine dining (when the budget allows), and trips to stay with loved ones or see some great sights. I have taken myself all over the country and the world. I genuinely enjoy my own company. Nobody is allowed to hurt me or make me doubt my own self worth. The people that would try are completely excited from my life the very first time. Life is too short to waste on subpar human beings around me.

Just for the comments about wishing your dad would die sooner would be enough for me to file. The fact that she just left you when you needed her most....WTF! This woman is pretty foul from where I'm looking in.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 8:15 AM, Friday, February 21st]

Well, I didn't read your update or the comments by others until after I posted my initial response.
I'm glad to hear you found clarity and are moving forward to a better life! Good luck!

Saturn, your last post should be mandatory reading for any BS whose WS refuses to put 100% effort into doing the the things needed to restore a marriage after infidelity.

Nothing wakes up a WS more than the thought of losing it all. Amazing how it instantly changed her way of thinking.

You are now in the drivers seat. You can continue with the divorce process and observe if the changes she is making could be permanent, or just proceed with the divorce full speed which is probably the right move. Either way you took action.

It’s refreshing as I see post after post here of BS whose WS try to rug sweep and they just continue to be miserable hoping their WS will change. They won’t. Not unless the BS takes definitive action which you have done.

In officer training in many militaries what they are looking for is the ability to evaluate, plan, delegate, and implement. No less important is the ability to evaluate what you implemented and possibly plan, delegate and implement again.
For example: You lead your platoon to a clearing. Before crossing you spend time scanning the opposite site, you remember the memo about enemy forces being in the area, you evaluate the best path across. Based on all you have you plan what to do and let your platoon know(delegate): One guy ahead on lead, the rest spread out in some predefined pattern to minimize risk, and maybe one or two in the rear watching their six.
This is you evaluating the situation, deciding on a plan and then ordering them to start.

Half-way across you get incoming mortar.

This is where the training officers really perk their ears...
What do you do? How do you react?
You have several options: retreat, dig in, advance...
The key here is they want to see you decide on something and then implement it.
There is no wrong choice OTHER than to do nothing... to not react... to not reevaluate, plan and implement. Even if that results in deciding to carry on with the original plan.

I mention this because IMHO the ONLY wrong thing you could have done is to remain in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling. To finish the 12th year and expect the 13th to be any different carrying on the same way.

Deciding to divorce is a plan, it’s a decision to not go for the 13th, 14th etc year of unchanged. Only you and time can evaluate in the future if it was the correct decision – maybe that platoon leader should have retreated rather than order a charge for the other side – but the main thing is to do what you evaluate, plan, delegate and implement AT THE TIME.

Who knows... maybe something changes that makes you reevaluate and either confirms your plan or alters it or even turns it completely around. But AT LEAST that will be change.

Rember:

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

You have realized you are unhappy, and you are taking steps to get out of unhappiness. That can never be the wrong decision, even if it’s not the correct decision. It’s better than no decision.

I’m so happy to hear that update, Patrick. I’m sure there will be some difficult days ahead, but you’ve taken action to move out of the terrible limbo you’ve been in, and you will only be better for it in the end.

I imagine I'll move over to the divorce area before long, but for now:

Running numbers and, because I now make quite a bit more than she does, and we've been married for so long, it seems like I will probably owe her spousal support.

Which just sucks so much.

She's been working the whole time. She's spent probably 7 of the last 10 years going to college over and over again. She is highly educated. She will be self sufficient.

But, you know, legal precedent and all that. (My lawyer said I would likely owe something for a temporary amount of time, but my own internet research is scaring me at the amount and duration.)

If I had divorced her 13 years ago when the affair happened, it would have been a clean split (according to my lawyer at the time, when I made much less and the marriage was much shorter) and I would have avoided some of the uncaring stuff she did after. My punishment for being forgiving and giving her another chance is what I'm going through now.

I just wish I could have a do-over.

To top everything off, she's acting a bit like the victim here and I think she's trying to tell me that I'm gaslighting her somehow. She's being indirect about it but has been using the word, I think whenever she feels like I'm painting an unflattering picture of her. I don't see how bringing up real historical events is gaslighting.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 8:13 PM, Sunday, February 23rd]

OP,

To top everything off, she's acting a bit like the victim here and I think she's trying to tell me that I'm gaslighting her somehow. She's being indirect about it but has been using the word, I think whenever she feels like I'm painting an unflattering picture of her. I don't see how bringing up real historical events is gaslighting.

I very highly recommend you go low contact, as much as humanly possible. Implement a hardened 180 when you have no choice to be in her presence. Ask your attorney whether you can safely leave the home and stay somewhere else. If circumstances absolutely require you to sleep at your home with her in it, stay out as late as possible each day, and then sneak in quietly to sleep on the sofa. Wake before her and make yourself scarce.

You can do this!

Cheaters love to play the victim. Especially when they no longer control things.

Consider a voice activated recorder to protect yourself from unwanted claims of domestic violence from your soon to be ex-wife (STBXW).

One thing that keeps coming up here is the fact that all these cheaters follow a script. I will bet good money she thinks she is golden and has done nothin wrong. Over the years those tiny pin pricks of contempt has made you question yourself. Stop. There is nothing in your writing that sounds like a person who deliberately harms others. But she does. This is emotional abuse. And it stinks.
The best thing you can do is let your lawyers look after you to get this done speedily. You are going to give up a lot of money but what you will receive is peace of mind. It is worth more than any amount of money.

Her lawyer is asking for 1800 / month for 10 years. This sucks. I should have left long ago. Being patient and forgiving is overrated.

Also, I've moved to the divorce forum. I'll make future updates there.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=665447