SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Infidelity has cost me a lot over the years.

As a child, my father's infidelity cost me my happy family.

As an adult, the discovery of my husband's infidelity robbed me of the last four months of my mother's life. D-Day was in March 2014. She had a heart attack at the beginning of August 2014 and died at the end of August 2014.

My mother and I had always been very close. But after D-Day, I isolated as I reeled from the discovery and my H's lies and gaslighting. I wasn't the daughter I had been. My mother knew something was going on, but I never got to a point where we could talk -- and then she was gone.

Infidelity cost me 1/4 of my life. It cost me the years of not being a really good parent as I had a mental breakdown shortly after D-Day2. This is the one that gets to me the most. It robbed my children of having a mentally healthy mother. This is something I will NEVER forgive xWS for.

Infidelity cost me my hobbies and focus on being physically healthy instead I spiraled, gave up, gained weight and started drinking then developed high cholesterol and high blood pressure.

It cost me lifelong friendships.

One thing I did do was confide in whoever I wanted to, my family , friends, my children now know the full details as to why their mom had to be in a mental hospital 2 times.

I won't entertain infidelity with my new partner or any partner in the future. I will leave and heal with no triggers and no being around the perpetrator to remind me of what happened.Focusing on a failed R and trying to save a bad M and keep the family together at all costs was the worst decision I have ever made.

Luckily I have made strides since leaving the M. I've gotten my health back on track, my relationship with my now adult kids is stronger than ever and I cherish all the time I get to spend with them. I have kept my friendships that have supported me through this horrific journey. And I met a man who is everything my xWS wasn't and has given me a renewed faith in love.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:15 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]

Holding it all in is so very hard. I told several good friends, all of whom were supportive and deeply sympathetic. I haven't told my in-laws, my dad, our kid, or our wider social circle, but they will all find out in a few years if I go through with my current plan to leave my WS after kid turns 18. I only told my mom because she straight up said, "Did he have an affair?" and I refuse to tell lies.

We are currently taking care of my MIL in our house as she recovers from a broken hip and surgery. It is so VERY HARD to listen to her wax on about the virtues of her precious son. WS is an only child, and his dad divorced MIL when she was pregnant to be with another woman. It devastated her. I'm sure she would still find some way to excuse WS's affairs if she knew, because he is her golden child, but maybe I wouldn't have to hear about how wonderful he is.

What has infidelity cost me? My health in so many ways. Every doctor I see tells me to avoid stress. Cue a bitter laugh. I can't stop thinking about how much I'd welcome death right now, but my health problems are not terminal, just severely disabling and incurable. Infidelity has cost me my sexuality, success at work, and self-respect. I'm pretending like everything is happy and okay, when inside, I'm neither happy nor okay. I keep up the pretense for the sake of our child and our families, but I don't think I can do this forever.

There are people who can make peace and find true R. The more time passes (nearly 2 years from dday1), the more I think I am not cut out to be one of those people. Maybe that's okay? Sometimes it takes a while to really know yourself and discover what you want, right?

No thanks

I totally get the hoping for death thing. Me too. I’m not suicidal, but think if only something would take me out, I would be at peace. I would not fight it.

Quick threadjack - No Thanks (love the name BTW - perfect really), I see you are concern about never being able to reconcile, or to get yourself back. Sometimes there is someone on here for whom I worry when I see a post that they may be stuck - and stuck deeply - and I am concerned for their health and safety. You are not one of those people - you know why? Because you said this:

There are people who can make peace and find true R. The more time passes (nearly 2 years from dday1), the more I think I am not cut out to be one of those people.

I know this SUCKS but being nearly 2 years past d-day 1 is right about the time most of us start thinking we are never going to be happy, never going to get through this, never going to whatever.... It really was about 5 for me - 5 freaking years I know but I can tell you things are so much better. I read your words and distinctly recall how that felt then - and it seems like a lifetime away. You will be okay - especially as you have a plan. You will.

I totally get the hoping for death thing. Me too. I’m not suicidal, but think if only something would take me out, I would be at peace. I would not fight it.

goingtomakeit, I'm so sorry that you're feeling the same way. This is a crappy boat to be in, but I'm glad that I'm not alone in it.

It really was about 5 for me - 5 freaking years I know but I can tell you things are so much better. I read your words and distinctly recall how that felt then - and it seems like a lifetime away. You will be okay - especially as you have a plan. You will.

ThisIsSoLonely, thank you for the reassurance! I hope so. I don't know what the next three years will bring. The last three have been a mess, so I'm dreading the future. Maybe there won't be more crises? But my MIL just broke her hip a few weeks ago and is now living with us, so that's another recent crisis. My parents and WS's parents are in their 70s & 80s. Middle age is no picnic, even without infidelity.

I very much do have a plan, though. I hope I have the strength left to execute it when the time comes. Sometimes the only thing getting me through the day is promising myself that I will leave in 3 years.

Maybe there won't be more crises? But my MIL just broke her hip a few weeks ago and is now living with us, so that's another recent crisis. My parents and WS's parents are in their 70s & 80s. Middle age is no picnic, even without infidelity.

Unfortunately there will likely be more crises (alas, my mom was diagnosed with cancer this week) but the one benefit from going though this disaster is that I am much better able to prioritize than I used to be. Without infidelity hanging over my head I am able to focus on things such as my Mom without being distracted by the worry about anxiety that permeated seemingly every moment of my life relating to the A, and my WH, and all that went with it. I appreciate life much more now and know where to set my personal boundaries much much better than I did before, and I don't get caught up in the fairness game like I used to nearly as much. Life will not stop being life, with all its pleasures and pains, but I feel much more capable of dealing with it knowing what I have already pushed through (and knowing my own limitations and being able to exercise them). I know its cliche but you really are stronger than you realize - and once the infidelity pain dissipates you will likely find it is replaced in you by something much healthier that you can use, to your immense benefit, going forward.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:58 PM, Friday, September 20th]

27 years of trust

Future retirement dream of buying some land in TN and building our forever home.

I'm sure the stress, anxiety and lack of sleep has been detrimental to my long term health.

The naive fantasy that my wife would never do something to destroy me.

About 1500/month in therapist fees.

I had two hobbies, neither of which mean anything to me now

Someone I thought I could always turn to no matter what.

Someone I could be vulnerable with.

Someone who would defend me/us against all others at all costs.

I think I will forever feel like I am just waiting to find out about the next infidelity

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:04 PM, Friday, September 20th]

Its cost me 37 years of trust, 3/4 of my life and almost 25 years married ,my best friend someone I did everything with someone I could always count on and could count on me .The mother of my daughter who just turned 16 and needs her mother at Home .It’s also cost me my passion ,which was bowhunting which I haven’t done in over a year,I haven’t even picked my bow up to shoot which I used to do that all the time .It’ll probably cost me the end of my life I’ll probably die alone .I’m 57 years old I’ll probably never be able to trust anybody ever again and don’t even have the courage to start looking .Being able to start taking it easy in life not having to worry about working nonstop, I’m a general contractor and my body is starting to wear out .My sanity and my health. I don’t know how many years of my life this is taken away. The loss of everything ,people can never understand unless you’re going through It ,just totally Fucking sucks…..