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Along the lines of SheHawks description. I have told my WW that if I was driving down the road, and saw AP run off the road in his truck and into a stream, should he be pinned in the truck and would surely die without help, I would go into the stream to save his life. I would hate to have to do such a deed for him, but my personal beliefs in life wouldn’t allow me to just let him die. It’s one of the aspects of my life that I’m very proud of. I have compassion for others, but I don’t have an obligation to forgive them.

The AP didn't stab you, your Partner did. I don't buy into AP's preying on Partners. A Partner who cheats possessed shitty morals that led them to cheat. AP's are just a tool for them.

If I saw my EXW's AP I think I'd Fist Bump him and buy him a beer! Only married a few years and no Kids when the cheating happened.

I feel he saved me from a life with a cheater.

My XWF's AP was never a real person to me. I knew him and knew that he had a thing for her but never acted on it, even when she was single. I know for a fact that she initiated and he just enjoyed the ride.

I also know he was terrified of me and avoided me fastidiously. I had about five inches and 40 pounds on him, plus was a trained, competitive fighter, so I could have just looked at him and he would have left a POSOM-shaped hole in the nearest wall.

So, sure, I forgave him.

As for her, I immediately cheated back with a woman who was better looking, smarter and had more personality than her. Plus, my XWF was pretty trashy (as I write this I'm amazed that we were such an item...but I digress) and my AP came from a fantastic family. I went to her in part because I knew my XWF felt threatened by her. Plus, she hated my XWF and was cool with it. She may have hoped I'd break up with the XWF, but I didn't (big mistake).

So, in short, I did it to punish her. I thought we were even at that point, so I didn't really feel the need to address it like an adult.

And it did not go well for me.

She waited until I was in a locked down military school for months and then proceeded to sleep with every acquaintance I had who would have her while rubbing my face in it. And she timed this (coincidentally) right after my sister had died at 28 years old. She almost seemed to relish how much pain I was in. It was brutal.

So, while I may have forgiven her for her betrayal (at least that's what my dumb ass believed), she clearly did not forgive me.

I did get some mode of justice ultimately because I ended up marrying someone who's my best friend, and am still married to her 30 years later. I'd heard that it drove her crazy that I wasn't outwardly destroyed like she thought I'd be.

I haven't heard about or from the XWF in over 15 years, but at that time she was on her third marriage and was still working entry level jobs.

EDITED TO ADD: I went back and re-read this post and see that it could be triggery as hell. I was trying to make the point that this was how I felt about my AP and my tactics at the time...and my response backfired spectacularly. I do feel like my life now with my wife is the best revenge I could ask for, but I apologize if the rest was upsetting to anyone.

[This message edited by 1994 at 10:36 PM, Tuesday, August 27th]

Mayo Clinic has a page on forgiveness and says it's letting go of resentment and anger. My Christian view is that you don't hold the past against the offender. (Doesn't mean you have to be best friends.)

From your description, I'd consider that you've forgiven them.

Sorry you went through what you did Bigger and glad you rose above it.

I read somethjng that I agree with that bad things do not necessarily make us stronger. Betrayal in my opinion is not a positive. It just gives us trauma. And there are lots better ways to become better and stronger than be betrayed.

I feel he saved me from a life with a cheater.

I honestly have to thank all xWS's AP's for revealing his true character to me.

It's funny that I have forgiven the AP's but still have not forgiven my XWS yet. I am getting close. I mostly feel indifferent about everything now. If none of the A's happened it would not have lead to my D and meeting the love of my life. In a way the A's were the catalyst to rediscovering who I am and becoming who I am today, someone who will not be walked all over and have developed strong coping skills, strength and a healthier outlook on life.

I would walk through that fire again to get to where I am now.

In a way the A's were the catalyst to rediscovering who I am and becoming who I am today, someone who will not be walked all over and have developed strong coping skills, strength and a healthier outlook on life

Strange that you made this comment. Whilst not at D, I do truly feel I have/am developing into a much stronger person because of it. My future is clouded but one thing is clear, I will not allow others to disrespect me ever again.

I feel compassion and a sense of pity for my husband’s fAP.

We going on six years now with r. I think the compassion kicked in about year five. Prior to that I had no desire to forgive anyone. But as we plodded along r, those first few years, I saw the efforts my husband was putting in and I resolved my own efforts to feel compassion for what he was and what she was.
This was work on my part. I wanted to feel something besides disappointment etc. and with reframing, understanding myself, acknowledging human weaknesses I think I’m getting there with my husband.

I met his fAP in my house. At the time I knew not about her attachment to my husband. I also know that she did indeed want my husband with her in a partnership. Why else would she invite him over to live with her once I threw him out of our home on d-day? Why else would she throw depression in his face when he would tell her he’s going home to me after their trips abroad?

This is where compassion kicks in, how wanting was she to take in a liar and a cheater? Poor her. I believe in the religious faith that people have. And those doctrines are meant to serve us well. However, forgiveness is not a must. Not in my beliefs. Not anymore.

But compassion is. She and I were both duped, lied to and manipulated oh and loved. That is all on my husband. The one I need to show most compassion to is my husband, not her. Never her. Always my husband.

I'm part of the found out years later group. One of the AP's was dead before I knew she existed. I hated her as much as the living ones. Eventually, I realized that God had already dealt with her. She either had begged his forgiveness or not. She had already had her judgement day. Forgiving her was for me at that point. It was letting go of my feelings of hatred, disgust and hope that she reaped in her life what she sowed into mine. I too grabbed on to pity for her. She knew of me. She knew I had young kids, I was pregnant and my ws told her he was not leaving us. She knew explicitly that she was a side piece. She had to have some issues to settle for that. She had to be as messed up as my ws and I knew his messed up childhood by then.
I struggled longer with a different one. At one point I even let her know I was a better person than she would ever be. Haha! That joke was on me. My mom used to say...you go to hell for lying same as you do for stealing. It took a while to forgive myself for my own arrogance with that one. Eventually, I heard some of that ap's story from a SIL and realized that that AP was grotesquely broken.
For me, I feel I had it thrown into my face that justice is indeed God's. I don't know those people nor do I want to. Guaranteed, all of them have issues that need repair just like my WS did. When one pops in my head now days, I say a prayer for them that they have found faith, forgiveness and peace.
Give prayer a try next time AP pops into your head. Pray the AP finds the faith you are fortunate to have in your life.