LostSquid
I think one of the reasons we don’t react "correctly" to situations like you are experiencing is because we have never envisioned them. It’s like if we woke up to a screeching smoke-detector we would have some idea or plan on how to react, whereas waking up to your spouse cheating... we don’t really have a clue.
That’s why I think it might be beneficial to switch scenarios – switch crisis – to maybe better understand how we might "best" react (note I put best and correctly this way because there are very few definite in human interaction. "Best" and "correct" might be best and correct in 99% of cases, but you might just possibly be that 1% unicorn-case...)
Imagine you just came from a doctor who told you that lump just below your left knee is an infection or cancer that could possibly be cured, but most likely will lead to amputation or death. He’s quite adamant on that: IF the infection reaches a certain stage, it will poison your whole body, leading to death, but you have a certain window where you can choose to have your foot amputated at the left knee and that will give you the chance to survive.
In a way that’s where you are now. Your husbands infidelity is a growth on the marriage that can possibly be dealt with (cured), but if it reaches a certain stage it will figuratively be your emotional and relationship "death". It can lead to either you having to accept you share your husband while you wait for this affair to tide over, or it ends when he tells you that after months of dallying he’s decided his happiness lies with her. Even if the affair ends organically (and about 2/3 of relationships founded in infidelity do so within 12 months) then the underlying cause, resentment, anger, betrayal, lack of trust... poisons both of you until dealt with.
Once you are home from the doctor you start researching. You read that eating raw seaweed and rubbing crystals can heal infections so you try that. You get a second opinion, and a third. You take the pills the doctor prescribed, do chemo, dance naked in the rain in moonlight, go to the gym... whatever... you try everything and anything to heal, to save your foot.
That’s where you are now. In MC, trying to talk to him, validating his emotions...
With time you might realize some of your initial ideas don’t work... Despite drinking buckets of cleansing tea the lump is growing and you are limping more and more. You also realize that some treatments might offer you more time, but don’t really heal the issue... Despite feeling nauseous for days afterwards the chemo it does seem to slow the growth...
Same with your marriage right now... Letting him wallow in his free choice of committing to the marriage or the affair is about as effective to save your marriage as Earl Gray might be to cancer. Going to MC to discuss what in the marriage made him "have to cheat" is about as effective as the raw seaweed. Having your priorities and requirements clear and outlining them to an attorney is about as enjoyable as having the next chemo session with it’s inevitable nauseousness and headaches – yet you also knows, this gives you time and has the most realistic possibility of preventing the amputation.
At some point your doctor – in this case you yourself – has to step in and say "Squid – if we wait much longer, we seriously risk the stage where the infection spreads and amputation is no longer an option. It’s next Friday or death."
This is where you need to evaluate for yourself: 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, a year... what is the timeframe for when you simply realize that him moping about moody at home because he’s missing out on his "true love" or he’s "forced and tied" to this marriage, or you are uneasy because he’s working "overtime" on yet another Friday, or you worry because he put on cologne before leaving for work, or you wonder why his "work trips" always extend to Saturdays... isn’t what you want your present or your future to be?
When is YOUR Friday?
In this parable the amputation is divorce...
It is the inevitable removal of your problem because remaining in infidelity. It’s not what you want. You fear limping on one foot for days to come. You fear the impact on your career, mobility, looks... But you also realize that limping beats being emotionally dead in a loveless (or at best) single sided marriage. At 80 neither of you wants to look at each other with eyes that say "I had to settle for you, and I regret it..."
Squid – even as they roll you into the OT and even as they put you under to start... If some miracle cure is discovered, you might go for it. You have a chance for your marriage until the last moment. But IMHO the "correct" and "best" way to deal with infidelity is by recognizing the reality of it and the most likely outcome UNLESS both you and HE actively decide and commit to healing.
At the moment... his commitment to healing is about as genuine as an alcoholics commitment to sobriety that stops by at the bar on his way to AA meetings...
All this to offer you this brief outline:
Tell him you love him and really want to save the marriage. You think your past history and how you both envisioned the future deserves that effort.
HOWEVER... You refuse to share him. Not only that – you care that much for him that if he thinks his happiness lies with someone else you don’t want to hold him back. You do not want to be the person he resents later on.
AND... You don’t want to be anyone’s second option. You are worth more than to be an option.
Tell him he’s totally free to be with OW, pine for OW, work with OW, date OW... whatever he wants.
Only... not as your husband.
Then tell him that until he has clearly told you in an unequivocal way that he wants YOU (not the marriage – but YOU) then you are simply assuming he’s still in infidelity and are acting that way. You absolve him of all emotional marital obligations and are starting the work of detaching.
This will inevitably lead to the process of legally terminating the marriage. There is a process for that and it’s relatively fair. You wont be making any outrageous demand and if you both work amicably at the outcome (based on law) this should be as painless as possible.
There isn’t a rush – you aren’t filing today or tomorrow – but you are getting the relevant information and will be starting the process soon.
He does have a window of opportunity to let you know what he wants, but all you are offering is a choice of two options: A reasonable exit from the marriage for both of you OR an enforceable commitment to the marriage. He doesn’t get to make the options or decide how he will "emotionally digest his life-choices".
"Enforceable" = you are open to his agenda, his messages, the OW get’s a clear NC letter, his employers are told of the affair, stakeholders know about it, a timeline.... Basically all we know is needed for you to feel safe.
That window is only open for a relatively short time. The more he dallies the more convinced you are that his emotions to you aren’t that important to him and you are worth more than that. Plus – the further you get along the path of divorce and detachment the more content you are with your choice.
Then just go along on your daily life. Go make a sandwich. Watch your soaps. Visit with friends.
When he comes along all moody and sad saying how sorry he is and how he will "try" to remove his single point of happiness to be with you (or whatever) and when he says the issue might lie within that period when you didn’t enjoy sex or it all started when you put celery in his moms meatloaf recipe... Your standard reply is "I am sorry you feel that way. I might not agree with you but that’s a moot point. You are perfectly entitled to believe you had to go and have an affair because of [place lame excuse here] and if we were working on our marriage then maybe this would be addressed in MC. However, since you have decided to make your affair a priority over ME then it’s a moot point, and there is no gain for either of us to discuss this. Want the rest of my sandwich?" and then you move on. You don’t engage. YOU take control of the pace, the dialogue and the process. YOU get to decide YOUR Friday when you possibly, inevitably, amputate the foot.
Now – if he does agree to commit to the marriage... You might put all planning for the divorce on pause. But remain extremely cautionary for the first months simply to get assurance the affair is over.
I truly think this approach is what gives you your best shot at two things. Two things that sometimes align, but not always.
The first thing is to save your marriage. If he comes with the right attitude to the table that is definitely possible. However – if he’s only minimizing his damage or is only there to save the "marriage" (as in the business venture of joint home, joint savings, kids, pets...) it wont work. He needs to be there because he wants YOU.
The second is to save you. Yes – possibly no "treatment" might work and inevitably you wake up missing a foot from the knee. But you will survive and with time thrive. Plus – follow this strategy and if he commits... it will empower you to create a better marriage.