SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've always thought that the ideas are more important than the people who shared them. You can simply write a post that answers questions posed in other posts.

I expect we ask questions in part because we think the answers will be meaningful to us, but answering the questionss for yourself or for publication usually benefits you more than anyone else.

I like being acknowledged, and I assume everybody does, but if you address an idea I've written about, that in itself is pretty good acknowledgement.

I admire that you’ve come back after that slate of tough comments.

I do too.

If you want to have the quoted material in a box, you copy/paste the text, highlight it, and then hit the quotation box up by the emoji’s.

Thank you InkHulk.

I would read about romantic infidelity by Dr Frank Pittman. When you can see the predictable pattern of your behavior you can get under it. This is not some special love story, it’s actually predictable human behavior.

Thank you hikingout, I have already ordered the book on the strength of your recommendation.

My pleasure.

I sincerely hope you will take seriously this communities feedback, there is a ton of hard earned wisdom here. You aren’t going to convince anyone here that your current circumstances are in any way acceptable nor that you are the victim of them. But we can help guide you on how to get back to living an honorable life. So maybe back to my question: what do you want from us? I hope this is a start of something good for you and your family and even your AP.

I believe you have an addiction. I would also advise therapy. If you are willing to go completely no contact with the AP, and go to therapy and really try and work this out then I would say stay and give it a shot with your wife.

But honestly, by reading what you wrote here I am not sure that you will be capable of no contact. You have told yourself a lot to justify your affair, and how true any of these narratives are we can’t possibly know. So if you are going to continue to cheat why stay and destroy her any further?

I have tried to go n/c throughout the last few months, but I am struggling. I find myself thinking about my AP constantly. I am 8 months down the line now and feel no different. I really hoped that by not seeing her for this length of time, that my love for her would diminish, however I cannot claim that to be the case.It simply hasn't faded. To those who have successfully reconcilled, is this normal?

When was the last time that you had any sort of contact with your AP?

I will say when I was in your shoes I did feel that struggle initially. But I spent some time sitting to appreciate my husband, and I remembered why I fell in love with him to begin with. I also recognized someone who will cheat with you is assuredly flawed themselves in deep ways. It took time to understand the dependency my brain had to the copious amounts of dopamine after having been in a dark state for too long.

My wife is a truly amazing and selfless person and I cannot bare to see what I'm doing to her, but that said, I don't feel any desire for her. I have tried to sit and appreciate my wife but I just seem unable to block the feelings i have for my AP. I am just so conflicted.My heart just feels at war with my head and I have no peace. I know that the right thing to do is stay and continue reconcilliation, but I know too that I am doing that for my wife and my kids, and not really for me. I could probably be content, but will i ever be truly happy.

The thing that is true about love is it’s kept alive by the effort you put into it. The fact you just spent five years giving that effort to someone else and then act as if it’s your wife’s fault you don’t love her anymore is something that you must examine. Our butterflies come from the giving, not as much the receiving. It’s really hard to tell what a fantastic marriage you could have had if you’d chosen not to deprive it of its fidelity. That’s not on your wife, sir.

It wasn't my intention to blame my wife for my affair. I do love her, I would do anything for her, and still do, but on a practical level. Emotionally,I am unable to be there for her and that is the worst feeling in the world when you've been with someone for so long.I just have doubt that we can rekindle what we once had, so I guess I'm just looking for advice from someone who's felt how I've felt, and how they eventually decided on a path.

When was the last time that you had any sort of contact with your AP?

We exchanged messages last week, and prior to that some 3 weeks ago.

We exchanged messages last week, and prior to that some 3 weeks ago.

You know that's not NC, right? NC = no contact. None. You're still feeding your addiction. You're still in an active affair.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:59 PM, Wednesday, February 14th]

You aren’t going to convince anyone here that your current circumstances are in any way acceptable nor that you are the victim of them. But we can help guide you on how to get back to living an honorable life. So maybe back to my question: what do you want from us? I hope this is a start of something good for you and your family and even your AP.

Right now, I honestly think that I am going to struggle to reconcile, but I've lived my life so long that doing anything else scares me. I've read so much from WS' on this forum but none seem to resonate with me. Most, if not all, have regretted what they've done, and are able to drop the AP like a stone upon discovery. I don't feel like that at all, so I guess my question is, why do I not regret it. Yes, i hate what I've put my wife through, but I also hate the fact that I've let my AP down. Is it normal to feel this way? I know this won't be a popular admission, but I am so lost and just looking for something to stear me on the right path.

Love is an action and right now you’re showing neither your innocent wife or your also lying AP any love. So I don’t believe you love either of them. You are afraid of letting your wife go because she butters your toast, completes the picture, keeps home warm while your AP gives you dopamine hits. Real love requires sacrifice. Make a choice and stick to it. You’re a grown man not a child. There is no reason you can’t stick to NC or file for divorce. Time to man up. Adulting is hard, buttercup.

You have to choose one or the other. Right now you are straddling the fence. Hence you're confusing / conflicting feelings. You're doing that to yourself.

If you choose to stay married, you owe it to your wife and your self to go all in. And that means zero contact with AP. I mean, nada. This is the harder choice imo because you are going to go through withdrawal and you will have tons of work to do to grieve that loss, figure out who you are and why you cheated, and then repair your marriage. It is NOT for the faint of heart. And you can't even begin that journey before you end the affair in every possible way.

If you choose your AP, then do so quickly. Your wife will suffer, no doubt. But she suffers now and will suffer more with you sitting up there on that fence. You see her pain and feel bad. Yet you continue to hurt her with your actions. Unless your wife has some mental or physical issue that prevents her from an independent life, she will heal, move on and probably live a full, perhaps even happier life. You are replaceable. She will learn that once the bleeding stops.I do realise that I am fence sitting! I am so conflicted though. I noted an earlier comment that I "enjoy having 2 women wanting me". That is not at all the case!And neither am I "hedging my bets". I thought that my wife would want me to leave upon discovery, but she did the opposite. She desperately wants reconcilliation, so that's made it so much harder for me to leave her on her own while I go and start a new life. Ironically, i just feel it is unfair on her. I know!.. it's such a messed up view. I just want us both to be happy, but it hurts me to hear her say that she won't be able to move on if I go.

Right now, I honestly think that I am going to struggle to reconcile, but I've lived my life so long that doing anything else scares me. I've read so much from WS' on this forum but none seem to resonate with me. Most, if not all, have regretted what they've done, and are able to drop the AP like a stone upon discovery.

There are a lot of stories about WS’s having strong feelings linger for their AP, I suspect people here could relate. In fact, one of the pinned threads at the top of the Wayward forum is about withdrawl. I don’t think what you are experiencing is unusual. But like SacredSoul pointed out, you are like an alcoholic wondering why he still craves a drink when he keeps taking shots on the weekends.

Do keep in mind, choosing to divorce IS an honorable way out of your situation. Doing just about anything other than what you are currently doing is moving in a direction of goodness.

You're still in your family home, but you're not in reconciliation with your wife. Not while you're still in contact with the AP. I assume that your wife doesn't know that you're still active in your emotional affair.

My advice:

Tell your wife the truth.

Go truly NC with your AP.

You need to take steps to stop living a lie and get in integrity with yourself.

You need to consider whether the AP really wants YOU or the lifestyle that you can provide her. Sorry to be tacky, but think about that. There are lots of "partner poachers" out there.

Edited because my today-self disagrees with my yesterday-self.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 2:58 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

I disagree with InkHulk. It is not honorable to discard your wife for the AP. It is despicable. It is true that divorcing your wife to be with the AP is less despicable that what you are doing now, but there is no honor in it.

You are concerned that you will never get the passion back in your marriage. It is totally possible to fall back in love with your wife and to desire her. The first step for that is to go completely, 100% no contact with the AP, forever. That means you will have to change jobs since you see each other at work. You will also have to block AP from your phone and all social media. Never text, call, meet up ever again. That is the first step back to becoming an honorable man as well as one who desires his wife.

I don’t think Ink meant that he should divorce to be with the affair partner. I think he meant it would be right to divorce his wife since he obviously doesn’t love her the way she deserves.
I hate the idea of a BS suffering with a false reconciliation.
It’s better for the WS to end the relationship with a BS than have them live in limbo.

I don’t want to create a distraction to helping a new OP here, so I’m not going to drive a thread jack here. I will clarify my thoughts and make them clear that they are my thoughts and you are free to disagree with them but you should focus on doing your best to help OP.
Starting an affair is despicable, I don’t think anyone here is going to disagree with that statement. But in this case, that ship has sailed. We are dealing with the present reality. For the marriage to survive, both the WS and the BS have to want it to survive. If either one doesn’t want that, they should do the other the kindness of making that known as soon as they are sure enough of that and make their exit. Regardless of what has happened in the past, I believe that is honorable in dealing with a shitty present. I know, I’m a BH, it sounds screwed up to say it’s ok for the WS to leave for an AP. But what other choice is there, force a WS to stay in a marriage they don’t want? I wouldn’t want that from my wife.

So that is what I meant. If anyone wants to debate that, let’s start a separate thread. Otherwise, let’s do all we can to support our new friend.

.I just have doubt that we can rekindle what we once had, so I guess I'm just looking for advice from someone who's felt how I've felt, and how they eventually decided on a path.

Okay, thank you for taking the time to clarify the issues.

I will raise my hand, I was terribly addicted to the AP. It was terrible, because I truly did not want to be. I knew in my heart that my husband was the best choice. I wanted to make the whole thing stop and focus on my marriage. But I had obsessive thoughts that took some true effort to mitigate. That meant therapy for me.

The problem with having contact is the withdrawal is interrupted over and over making the feelings seem more urgent. Every time you talk to her everything starts a new cycle - a higher level of addiction.

I did not break no contact, but I have read deeply about affairs, limerence, and this is stated in every single book.

Not to mention you can’t restore your integrity or the integrity of your marriage whilst still being in contact with this woman.

If you truly want to regain love and desire for your wife you must put full effort into it. This means being honest with her, not being in contact with the other woman (even if it means changing jobs), and getting therapy.

I actually had to be treated for obsessive compulsive disorder as part of what therapy entailed. Because if you even read the Wikipedia version of limerence it’s close cousins with obsessive compulsive disorder and causes intrusive, unwanted thoughts.

Your feelings are based on your thoughts and your thoughts are skewed by long term cognitive dissonance. I have just threw a lot at you but Google all of it.

The butterflies of a relationship have a lot to do with how you feel about yourself in the relationship. Part of why you don’t feel in love is because when you look at your know you haven’t done right by her. You can’t respect her because you have chosen to disrespect her and now she is you unconscious daily reminder of the ways you have failed as a husband and the shame you feel. It’s far easier to feel better about yourself with ap because it’s not her that you have betrayed. It’s not her that you have to live a real life with.

Doing the right things, putting a devoted effort of love on a daily basis and reflecting deep appreciation for all the things she brings into your life, for a long period of time is the only way you will find yourself feeling in love with her.

I think it’s hard to understand that you have brainwashed yourself. The ap has been a distraction over not building a good healthy life that you enjoy immensely. It’s robbed your attention to your marriage. Had you spent the last 11 years putting that effort into your marriage I don’t think you have any idea of the depth it could be today.

I can tell you after therapy and working on my marriage I value it beyond comprehension. I am fully in love with my husband, I crave him in every sense. The amount of work that we did individually and together is mind boggling and I can’t believe we have come to this place. So absolutely it’s possible.

But I don’t want to sit and talk you into prolonging this marriage if you aren’t going to fully commit to it. Because since the discovery of your affair your wife is watching and waiting while she hurts. She is hoping things will improve and you aren’t doing enough to insure her efforts. It’s cruel. I also think you might be kidding yourself about only doing it for her. There are many benefits you receive in this marriage that you take for granted. Stop hedging your bets and choose, honestly if you don’t, they both will eventually choose for you and I don’t think you will like the outcome of that. So choose, commit, and don’t look back. Get in therapy to help you manage whichever path.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:33 AM, Thursday, February 15th]