Is counselling worth contemplating?

I've posted on here previously about how my husband has a relationship with another woman, moved in with her kids etc and then when I found out, returned home claiming mental breakdown. It's coming up to a year and things feel as horrible as ever. He's adamant he had a breakdown, doesn't remember making any decisions etc but his version of events remembered through a cloud of drugs and my version, with no substances, are very different.
I have given him every opportunity to be a father, to reduce financial pressure on him and even offer friendship in the hope he would use the time and space to rebuild his life, but every boundary I have put down becomes a starting point for negotiation or just a rule to be broken.
He has scheduled us for counselling because he's adamant that we need to try reconcile as the affair wasn't his fault due to mental illness.
I'm quite nervous about counselling. He can be really charming and persuasive. I already feel like I've been managed the last year, first by him and AP, and then when he returned through suicide ideation and excessive drinking. What if he dominates the counselling or charms them. I don't have much more strength left to defend myself or refute his versions to someone new.
Any thoughts? Has anyone has experiences of joint counselling they could share?
Thanks in advance.

3 comments posted: Thursday, September 17th, 2026

Timeline of the affair

I've requested my WH provide me with a timeline of his affair. Places, dates and money spent. It's been five months and the story keeps changing or truth trickling occurs. Every new revelation sets me back to the D1 shock. I'm so tired of it and just want to move on with my life and process all the emotions and anxiety without the constant changing and destabilising stories.

He does seem to be struggling emotionally with the task of going through texts and bank statements. He is in therapy dealing with his personal issues but doesn't seem to have dealt with anything around the affair. Part of me feels guilty for requesting he face his actions and the fallout. And the other part feels angry that he gets to hide behind poor mental health and drug use while I received the full impact of his affair and gaslighting including dealing with his mistress.

I appreciate any thoughts as always.

33 comments posted: Tuesday, May 12th, 2026

Dealing with the affair partner

My husband had a 12 week affair with someone he met at a reunion. Gaslit me extensively for that time and moved in with her and her children, all while denying he was doing anything more than having a good time with some old friends. He broke up with me during one of his spells back at home but denied he had met anyone. I only found out because he was very open with mutual friends of ours and expected them to keep his secret which they couldn't after seeing me struggle with sudden changes in help with childcare. He denied initially and then suddenly admitted a very minor affair and wanted to come home. He was still on the mortgage and had nowhere to go so I felt I couldn't deny him. I emphasised we were over but he could still be nearby to be a dad.
A week later his mistress got in touch with me. Full blown affair from the first night, weekends away, he was with her the night my dad had a serious operation. What I'm struggling with now is dealing with her for those few days to get some sort of truth my husband wasn't willing to provide has felt as damaging as the affair. She knew an extraordinary amount of intimate detail about me, she shared sexual information about them I didn't want to know, shared all their intimate texts which I only managed to read two before deleting them. I knew it was probably hurting me but he wouldn't tell me anything and at that point the truth felt so important.
We aren't back together and yet I find her words so intrusive and damaging. Has anyone else had experience of dealing with the affair partner? I feel it was malicious and I almost want to respond to her and put her in her place. She still felt it was ok two months after to casually reach out to both of us. But also don't think being drawn back into their triangle will benefit me in the long run. Just a conflict between protecting my mental safety and wanting justice.

34 comments posted: Tuesday, May 5th, 2026