Need Perspective: betrayed and betrayers

I’d really appreciate perspective from people who’ve lived through long-term infidelity on either side.

I’m approaching 12 months since D-Day. My husband had a long, sustained pattern of serial cheating—mostly transactional arrangements through a sugar-dating site.

The first 5 months since dday were chaotic: trickle truths, shame collapses, defensiveness, and fractured understanding of the harm. Things shifted around July 2025 when I found the Minwalla program. It finally gave structure to what I’d lived through—gaslighting, emotional neglect, villainization, and integrity abuse. It also confronted him with the full reality in a way nothing else had.

Since then, he has been doing the work:
• completed all 3 Minwalla programs
• weekly CSAT therapy
• joined a men’s support group
• documented his behaviors and their impact
• no rationalizations left
• listens to my pain without withdrawing

But there are also meaningful gaps that keep me unsure:
• His attunement is inconsistent—some days present, some days frozen.
• He operates from fear: fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of failing.
• Because of this fear, he can be passive or what sometimes feels like lack of warmth so sometimes I feel warmth, sometimes I sense fear
• Emotional expression is limited—even when effort is sincere.
• Some changes only began after I found the right programs and pushed for structure.

My deeper struggle:
He was the person I trusted most, and he chose this path repeatedly for years—including during some of the hardest periods of my life. As the betrayal escalated, so did the detachment and meanness. now, part of me wonders if I can ever see him as more than those behaviors.

I also feel torn:
One part of me sees effort and wants to believe change is possible.
The other part keeps saying, "I know what he’s capable of and it’s terrifying"

I want to make decisions with clarity, not out of fear or hope alone.

For those who’ve been here:

• If you were a serial cheater who truly changed, what flipped the switch?
• Betrayed spouses who stayed — did attunement ever become consistent? Did you reach a point where you could see them beyond their worst behaviors?
• Betrayed spouses who left — what helped you realize it was time?
• How did you weigh genuine effort against a long history of betrayal and neglect?

I’m making decisions for myself and my kids, and I want to hear honest experiences—from either direction.

Thanks in advance

20 comments posted: Tuesday, January 27th, 2026

Minwalla Program: Ten Steps to Building a Secret Sexual Basement A Guide (for Men) to Understanding Infidelity as Abuse

Hello,

My husband has enrolled into the Minwalla program, and I wanted to know if anyone else has experience with this?

Some information on the program can be found by searching on: ten steps to building a sexual basement.

11 comments posted: Friday, July 11th, 2025

Can one ever reconcile from this?

Together for 22 years and married for 18. In February 2025, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

We have two kids 14 and 9 years old.

I am still processing the full extent of the betrayal and its impact on my health, trust, and sense of reality. I am seeking help to understand and cope with these events.

There has been profuse apologies and we are in therapy where he was able to dismantle his rationalizations and show some really accountability but my heart is so broken I feel like I’m numb.

59 comments posted: Wednesday, May 14th, 2025

Anyone have similar story? Did you find the strength to reconcile?

Together for 22 years and married for 18. In February 2015, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

We have two kids 14 and 9 years old.

I am still processing the full extent of the betrayal and its impact on my health, trust, and sense of reality. I am seeking help to understand and cope with these events.

There has been profuse apologies and we are in therapy where he was able to dismantle his rationalizations and show some really accountability but my heart is so broken I feel like I’m numb.

1 comment posted: Monday, May 12th, 2025