Please help me do this right
My WH and I have been together for 15 years, living together 10 years, married 1 year.
11 weeks since DDay. WH conducted a 3-month PA with a college girlfriend (dated for 6 months, 30 years ago). I don’t have full disclosure but it seems they saw each other about three times while I was out of town with family and then once while I was home (he claimed a work thing to go see her~ she lives an hour away). Ended the affair via phone call. Since then, if he can be believed, there have been a few check-in messages from her (to one of which he replied "I’m fine."), a random phone call (no voice mail) and a ‘like’ on one of our tagged photos which I imagine was inadvertent.
Since DD I have read every book I can get my hands/ears on, I’ve journaled, I’ve talked, I’ve tried to understand. I want to save my marriage and naïvely assumed he’d immediately ask for forgiveness and get the help he needs. Indeed he agreed to counselling (so far: 3 IC sessions for him, 2 IC for me and 2 MC), but he hasn’t begged for forgiveness or to repair our marriage.
I’ve looked at some surveys about what kinds of affair he had and it doesn’t appear to have been an exit affair but more of a conflict avoidance affair. He experiences performance issues which diminished our intimacy. We managed it but it was/is damaging to his self-esteem.
On the advice of his IC, whom he connects well with, we are currently on a 7 day therapeutic separation. The goal (as describe by WH) is to reflect on his feelings and get some space. He has some videos to watch and other guided work (I haven’t seen any of it).
He has said a few times (including in MC) he doesn’t know if he wants to be here. When asked for clarification by MC he said he feels guilty and can’t understand how I can forgive him. I can’t understand how he can feel like he doesn’t want to be here. He says he love me (and has said he doesn’t love her). I have forgiven him and am desperate to work on how to move past this and rebuild trust.
I know his affair was not about me but I can’t help thinking that we have such a great life and what more could he want. I also recognize I’m still likely in shock but I really want to do this right. He is the absolute love of my life and I don’t want to lose him.
If anyone has any insight into what he may be thinking and feeling and how to support him through this process while staying healthy, I’d be very appreciative.
17 comments posted: Wednesday, February 5th, 2025
