Distraught and Confused... Please be kind
I feel really dazed and confused, overwhelmed with grief, guilt, and hurt.
Been separated from WS since early November, his contact with DD has been sporadic at best. I have said he can call her whenever he likes and am more than open to weekend visits, and here comes one of the reasons for my guilt and the things I beat myself up on a regular basis... I moved us 6.5 hours away to live with my mum and sister😖 In defensive of this and my own defense, I did it because I had no access to support, I had no one to turn to and no place to go locally (military family and live in remote area). It was just geography that they were 6.5 hours away, if they had been half an hour or 40 mins for 2 hours down the road, I'd have still gone there because I was at breaking point. I wasn't functioning, I began to flinch at the sound of helicopters, see him places he wasn't and became incredibly hypervigilant, and most important of all - wasn't taking care of our daughter. As I previously mentioned we kept what had happened to ourselves, I felt humiliated and like I had been t-boned in a RTA. My world was falling apart and stupidly in my head, if no one knew I could stop people knowing altogether and I now realise I just wanted it to not be true, if no one knew - maybe it wouldn't be. WH also didn't want anyone to know, didn't want chain of command to find out at all - he was attributing his infidelity (which was unprotected sex 3 times in 1 night, although this has since changed to OW climaxing 3 times) to his MH issues and later, to her taking advantage of him when he was vulnerable.
I left in early Nov and have always stuck to I want a divorce, it was something to cling to while I fell apart and lost all sense of reality. I have always said cheating was an absolute no, unforgivable and gameover for any relationship. Funny how you say these things hypothetically but when you're actually in that situation.... All ability to find your feet, process and reason goes out the window. I absolutely fell apart, it destroyed me and continues to do so, my moods are incredibly up and down, although I have to admit more down than ever up.
To start with he showed zero remorse nor did ever take any responsibility, he's exained it as he betrayed our vows and me because he wanted to (first reason he gave me) . This changed to blaming his MH, being taken advantage of and having no experience of women coming on to him later, commented on our lack of sex (4 times in 7 months).
I stuck to saying I wanted to separate, something he had agreed to on and off as our best course of action, because it was something to cling to and I needed that. I had nothing else. I now think perhaps I was just waiting for him to show me some feeling, some understanding of how much he'd blown my world apart, completely shattered me, and left me broken. But he didn't. Instead the majority of talk on the ramifications of separation centered around how it would impact him (he'd have nothing and no one, I was punishing him (all of us), he couldn't focus on his MH issues while our marriage stuff was going on, I was being selfish for wanting to leave, it was going to cost him £160 to see DD every time, and she'd grow up to make catastrophic life decisions as a result of us leaving/separating.
WH has stuck to his MH issues as being the reason he was unfaithful, and in hindsight, I can see although he's always been an aloof person, not given to huge amount of affection throughout our years together, and has been a stereotypical military person in his outlook, his behaviour and coldness has increased over the years. I've spent hours, days going over and over things, desperately trying to work out at what point they started to go downhill for us, I can hazard he may have started to develop MH issues about 8-10 years ago. During these 8-10 years the way he behaved changed, he became more rigid in his opinions and thoughts, more demanding and had high expectations of and for me (people in general), everything in the home had to be just so and impeccably neat and tidy, to the point you wouldn't have known we had a baby or child as DD got older, and he became less receptive to any emotional needs.
The point I'm taking the scenic route to get to (thanks for reading so far) is that I'm a mess. Still. Mentally and emotionally. I am overwhelmed by guilt, if I can see and admit he had MH issues and roughly ascertain when they started, have I done a terrible thing, the wrong thing not giving him a second chance? Have I abandoned him when he needs me most the way he says I have? Have I acted too swiftly in agreeing to starting divorce proceedings?
I feel so guilty and ashamed of so many things, not giving him a second chance, for running away while he was away like an inherent coward, taking DD so far away from him rendering it difficult for them to have physical contact, and for not being to forgive him for the way he's hurt me. I'm such a mess I'm confused, one part of me wants to run to him, to fall into arms and at his feet, and beg him to explain why he's done this to me, how he could hurt me, and destroy my world. A part of me wants him to finally be vulnerable with me, tell me why he did it, show me he really knows and understands the extent of the hurt he's caused. I want that not to punish to him, but because then I might be able to feel that he did love me, even if it was once and I meant something to him. It's stupid and childish I know. 😞
Meanwhile, I tear myself apart wondering if leaving him and taking our DD away from him (therapist has said he has narcissist tendencies and behaviours) was the right thing to do? I ask myself, how can it be when I feel awful and can't let go? 😢
3 comments posted: Sunday, February 2nd, 2025
Stuck, sad & grieving
Okay, buckle up it's a long rough ride...
Together 26 years, married 16, one 6 Yr old DD. He's military.
I caught husband having cheated 17th Aug after reading a message he sent the OW while playing lego with our DD 6 years old. I'd been seeing red flags in his behaviour for some time (very distant, phone always with him, talking about dating apps he learnt about from others - much younger women he was away on work with), taking better care of himself, and general change in personality)
When I confronted him I was angry and he was cold, indifferent, and distant. No remorse, empathy or any emotion was shown from him. When I asked him why he said the OW was positive, energetic, outdoorsy and he'd done it because he was attracted to her, and wanted to. I fell apart. I told him I wanted a divorce and he needed to get his stuff and get out. I shattered, he remained calm, controlled and uncaring. I recognised I wasn't fit to take care of our daughter, I was too emotional, too panicked and a mess, so he stayed and a friend came to collect me for the night, I just unravelled.
On going back home the next day he continued to act as if nothing had happened, our lives were just as before. I was reeling, felt sick and I now know was in shock. I phoned a male friend I used to work with for legal advice, I was terried he'd run off with DD - paranoia had kicked in massively and I was an absolute mess.
His parents live abroad and were due to visit, we agreed due to the excitement of our DD to see them we should continue with the visit. We also agreed there were big decisions to be made and shouldn't be rushed. He told his parents, MIL wanted to tell her sister and niece, who were also visiting, that we were both having a mid-life crisis. I point blank refused to agree to this, I said we tell her truth or nothing at all because I was sick of lies.
For weeks we both swung between separation with eventual divorce, and working things out - 26 years, numerous deployments, death of relatives, a miscarriage.. It was a lot to walk away from. During this time he was still very cold, distant, unremorseful - said he cheated and had had unprotected sex 3 times (this later changed to OW climaxing 3 times) because of his mental health issues. OW, also military was an ex mental health nurse and had recognised he was 'suffering with some issues' He said they would sit in the forest together most evenings while she helped him with his issues, he even made the comment that 'lots of people must have though they were having an affair because they always went off alone together'.
I began sticking to it being over, it was something definite to cling to while me and my world fell a part. I was devastated, didn't eat or sleep, shook and cried all the time, just functioning on pure adrenaline and anxiety. He had carried on like life was normal to this point, then when he realised I was sticking to leaving things became terrible. I am not proud to say we had a few huge rows in front of DD, he accused me waiting 10-15 years for him to do something like this so I could leave, I was throwing our marriage and 26 years away, I was going to give DD lasting emotional and psychogical trauma. He asked me if genuinely thought mine and our DD's life would be better if we separated, he asked how I expected to support her, what I'd do for work, told me my mum and sister would only help for a month, and the novelty of us would wear off and I'd be struggling alone.
Amongst this I maintained contact with my male friend, he offered lots of legal advice, told me not make any rushed decisions and generally supported me by providing a distraction of talking about books we'd read. This was in addition to the support of my friends and family.
Husband's moods behaviour became... Hard to predict; he would continue bahaving as though nothing had happened (washing, food shopping, making dinner), he refused to tell work what was happening in the home because he said it could potentially ruin his career, promotion and earning prospects, he also begged me not to tell them as it would potentially ruin both their careers and according to him, 'she's innocent in this'
At times he'd become depressed and woukd tell me he was going to have nothing and no one if we left. At one point I took DD to stay with my family and before I left to catch the train he took car and house keys off me, telling me he was going to wash the car but I could have them if I needed them as 'security'. Once whilst he th4 car alone together I questioned an unknown route he was taking, he told me 'don't worry I'm not taking you somewhere secluded to dump your body' I was terrified. He started turning up at my work, just popping in and became more involved with DD, sending me messages/memes about saving our marriage, what it means to love a woman who is 'a lot' and has anxiety/depression etc.
During a work event another military woman approached me, I knew her from the gym. She confided in me that she'd been debating whether to tell me or not but finally decided she had to... She had matched with DH on a dating app a week ago.
While he was away for work the following week, I realised I was in serious danger of having a complete break down. I'd lost nearly 10kg, didn't sleep, shook uncontrollably , couldn't stop crying all the time, and wasn't taking care of DD emotional needs. I got family to come and get us, and I left him.
I've been in therapy for nearly 12 weeks now and I still feel utterly broken. I keep asking myself why and how he could this? I am racked with guilt for taking DD away, for not being willing to go to MC with him, for not giving him a second chance, and for the way I shut down from him emotionally. I continously ask myself what I did wrong, what I did or didn't do, what I could have done different to save our marriage. Before he cheated I took on board his comment about out lack of sex, I bought sex toys and sent him links to underwear he should choose from (this was on a Tuesday, come Thursday he had been betrayed me) sensing our marriage was in jeopardy and was willing to do anything to save it - to try to stop him leaving me.
I still feel awful. He is starting divorce procedures and I still just cry most days. I still feel lost, confused as to how we got here, what I did to deserve this, and how I am ever going to heal when it all still feels really raw.
Male friend and I have realised that we're attracted to each other but nothing is going to happen - I'm too vulnerable and not in any way near a place to be in any kind of a relationship. We still chat but nothing deeper or more personal than daily lives and books. There's no talk of a potential relationship or the future.
Don't know what I'm looking for really, perhaps just to vent to get my story, warts and all out there, and to know I'm not alone on this horrific journey.
7 comments posted: Saturday, February 1st, 2025
