Trust and little white lies
Someone on here recently asked why it wasn't enough, after 11+ years, that my H is not cheating and has committed himself to our M and our family. My answer was that he's still dishonest.
He doesn't lie maliciously. He doesn't lie about anything related to infidelity. He lies about his feelings. He still denies it when something I've done upsets him. He still lies about little things that he's afraid will get him in trouble, like forgetting to take out the trash, as if I'm an authoritarian parent. To be clear, I don't act like that. That comes from his foo.
I've been talking a lot about trust with my IC. Specifically, why I still don't trust my H. (See above.) I have tried ignoring it. I have tried confronting him about it in a curious way, not angrily. I have told him many times that I want to know. I want him to tell me what he thinks and feels. I have even told him that I want radical honesty. He doesn't seem capable. He says he doesn't think any of it is dishonest or deceitful. My IC and I have decided there's nothing more I can do until he starts to open up.
Our MC says we're stuck in patterns established in childhood. We've been over them ad nauseum in therapy. My H seems to understand during our sessions. He can't seem to overcome them in our daily lives.
The problem for me as it relates to infidelity is that these behaviors of my H are what led to him cheating. Rather than talk to me about his negative feelings towards me and our M, he found a GF to talk to. Now, he's not talking to anyone. My other big problem with it is that honesty and authenticity in all things are important to me. Little white lies are not ok with me. That's part of who I am.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I want to put it out here to see if y'all can hash it out with me.
19 comments posted: Saturday, January 24th, 2026
Superiority
I read something in another post that got me thinking. The post was about the BP resisting moving forward. Someone said something about how the BP has the moral high ground in the beginning of R, and needs to check themselves as things progress so they don't stay in that position of superiority.
I am there. 11+ years after dday, I still feel superior to my H in almost every way. The only thing that I don't think I'm superior to my H in is looks. I think we are equal in that department.
Maybe if my H weren't so slow in changing himself I wouldn't feel this way. He's been trying, and it's so hard for him. He's not introspective. He's not a thinker at all.
While I understand why he behaves the way he does (foo), I don't understand why anyone would behave that way. He's a grown man who's ego is so fragile that he's emotionally frozen in helpless child mode. I think that's what keeps me feeling superior. It seems so weak to me. At some point, we all have to realize we are the masters of ourselves.
51 comments posted: Tuesday, January 6th, 2026
