SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nearly five years ago, my husband had an emotional affair (bordering on physical) with a work colleague. According to him, it lasted a few weeks and ended before I found out.

He eventually left that job and moved on to a new role. Because of his new shift patterns and our childcare needs, I had to leave my own job to support the move. I was happy to do it at the time because it was a great step forward for his career.

Recently, I discovered he has been having another affair with a colleague at this new job for just over nine months. It has been both emotional and physical (though he claims they haven't had sex).
It involved constant messaging, lingerie photos from her, selfies from him, and him lying about being at work so they could spend the day together, even getting a work friend to cover for him.

When I found out, I told him I needed time to decide what I wanted for our future. A few weeks later, he became very distant. When I asked why, he admitted he had "realised he loves her" and was hurting.

That was another massive blow, and it felt like any progress we were making reset to zero.
Despite saying he wants to stay and wants to be with me, his actions show the complete opposite:

• He broke no-contact: He started messaging her again and lied to me about it, claiming he was just checking in on a medical issue. I saw some of the messages, and they were not medical at all, he shouldn't know anything about her personal life when he is supposed to have cut contact while we figure things out.

• They still work together: Because they share a workplace, I know they are still talking every day. Though I asked him not too, they don't need to chat they don't work closely together.

• He avoids accountability: When I ask questions or try to set boundaries, he avoids them or gives me the silent treatment. Then, he turns around and asks me why I’m being so distant.

We have children, pets, and a house move coming up soon, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for by posting this.

I don't have anyone I can talk to in real life, and I guess writing it all out is helping me see the reality of the situation and what I need to do.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Itsokayiamfine, I love your username, but I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

You say you don’t know what you want, and that’s causing you to be unable to take action. The good news is that whether you want to R or D, the advice you will get here is going to be the same.

The reason is that your WH is having an affair and won’t stop it. Unfortunately, there is no way to get someone to end an affair. If there were, it’d be the pinned post at the top of this forum.

There are two things that sometimes work. Walking away and exposure. If you decide to D, well, then you’re walking away. But if you want to R with someone who’s actively cheating, like you WH, then you also walk away.

Exposure means telling his APs spouse (the OBS) and other key stakeholders, like his parents. This ends a lot of As. Why? Because most As are based on fantasy. Once other people know, it’s no longer this fantasy world, where WS’s get to go off and have all this fun free from the pressures and obligations of real life. These clowns are risking their jobs, playing hooky to go have an affair (which I suspect is against company policies).

Walking away means walking away. Go find an attorney. Tell your WH that you will not remain in a M while he cheats. And as long as he sees her every day, and continues to communicate with, you will consider the A ongoing. Which is is.

Then, discontinue discussions about your relationship, the A, anything not involving the children. Look up the 180 in the Healing Library and implement it.

Do not trust his words, cheaters lie. He is lying about not having sex with her. Trust his actions.

This really sucks. I’m going through a house move too, and I can’t imagine how overwhelming it must be to be dealing with this on top of everything else. Keep posting, we will be the people you can talk to about this.

I’m sorry you are hurting.

Very sorry you are here! Great advice above. Get tested for STD’s. Your WH is a serial cheater who is showing no remorse. Please get legal advice as to what your legal rights are before moving homes for you and your children. You can’t force him to change. You need to protect yourself financially. Read in the healing library and do investigate IC to help you deal with this trauma. Implement the 180. Keep posting. Good luck.

So sorry you are going through all of this at the hand of the one person who should be loving you and protecting you from things like this.

But since he has done this repeatedly, has been distant because he realizes that he loves her, broke no contact, continues to lie to you, still works with her, avoids accountability, gives you the silent treatment, etc... I mean, I don't really see much to work with here.

He has not realized the immense error of his ways. He is not being proactive in making the necessary changes to even be in the ballpark of remorseful, let alone deserve the gift of potential reconciliation. Stevie Wonder can see that.

I would see it for what it actually is: The person who swore an oath to you to love you and protect you and be faithful to you and loyal to you has been the opposite of those things. What is there to work with?

I would run the other way. Your emotions will catch up later. Right now focus on the facts of the matter and see things as they have actually happened to you at his hand and by his own selfish decisions no less. His actions must have major consequences or you will continue to be a doormat while he languishes and pines for someone else.

Don't you deserve better? Stand up for yourself in this and don't tolerate any more of his nonsense. Cut the cord and tell him he is free to go be with her but that you have more respect for yourself and you want to be with someone who values you as a prize that they would never put in jeopardy of losing or hurting or having to decide if they want to be with because they love someone else. Lay down the law, enforce it, and let him see that you are dead serious about moving on. Let him see what he stands to lose.

The first thing you need to understand is that cheaters lie. They all do. They have to. It kinda comes with the territory. You can't conduct an affair and remain honest with your spouse. It's pretty much impossible. At best, it's lying by omission.

Most of the time when someone discovers their spouse is having an affair it's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm not telling you this to make it worse, and we can't say for sure that more has happened than what you've been told, but it's very, very common for the cheater to only provide bare minimum details, minimize, and flat out lie about what all has happened. There's a good chance this has gone further than you've been told.

Like I said, I'm not trying to make this worse, and I hope it's not the case, but you should brace yourself for more revelations.

As it is right now your husband isn't a safe partner or a good candidate for reconciliation. He should be willing to do whatever it takes to salvage this and fix what he's broken. Including absolutely no contact whatsoever. Even if that includes finding a new job or transferring to a new location. It doesn't sound like he's anywhere near that ballpark if he's still contacting her and maintaining any kind of relationship with her.

There's a saying here. Sometimes to save a marriage you have to be willing to let it go. When I discovered my wife's affair I put up with her telling me they were "just friends now" because the physical part of the affair had ended. She kept contact with him and still talked to him regularly over messenger and voice chat. I tolerated that for about a month before I couldn't take it anymore.

I drew my line in the sand. I started calling divorce lawyers. I set up a couple of consultations right in front of her. When she realized I was serious she broke down in a way I'd never seen her break down before. I didn't budge. So she cut all contact with him, put in for a location transfer at work (he was a co worker), and rolled up her sleeves and began the arduous task of convincing me there was still something worth salvaging.

That was 19 months ago and she's been solid as a rock ever since. She rearranged her priorities and put me and our marriage at the top of her list. She hasn't backslid or slipped up since. I'm still incredibly hurt, of course, but I'm no longer hypervigilant or questioning where her loyalties lie. But it took me shaking her world up to snap her out of it.

I'm not saying that it's a magic bullet that will automatically push every wayward spouse into recommitting to the marriage, but if there's a chance it can happen, it's usually something like that that will snap them out of it. Trying to nice them back into the relationship and doing the pick me dance almost never works. You have to show them that you're getting out of infidelity, no matter the cost. If they don't snap out of it and continue pursuing the affair partner then that will tell you something, too. You have nothing to work with and you're best served detaching and getting out of the situation. Otherwise you could spend years in misery trying to salvage the unsalvageable only to have it end anyway.

Getting out of infidelity needs to be your goal. Not saving the marriage. Not winning him back. Getting out of infidelity. If he reacts by turning back toward the marriage then you can start considering if that's the path you want to walk. You need to take your agency back and stop letting him run the show. You're the prize here. Not him, and certainly not his affair partner. Make him earn it.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here. I know how bad this sucks. I was devastated when I discovered my wife was having an affair. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. For most of us it's the worst experience of our lives. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do right now. It can take years to recover from this. 2 to 5 years is the general rule of thumb, and reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress.

Stick around and keep posting. You'll find some great support here. Most of us know understand what you're going through. Ask any questions or just use us to vent if you need it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:47 PM, Friday, November 13th]

Thank you all so much for your kind words, advice, and support.

I’ve felt very alone in all of this, and reading your replies has made the world feel a little less lonely.

He told me he isn't giving up on us, and I told him his actions so far have spoken louder than his words to me.

I’ve taken some space to clear my head,

I'm going to go back through everyone's advice now that things feel a bit quieter.

I need to figure out what the future looks like for me and the kids and whether I can ever picture him being a part of it.

He said he blocked her and will tell her next time he see's her that he will only talk to her about work from now on.

I told him he’s said that before, and I’d prefer he not discuss it with her at work at all and instead message her to say he is going no contact while I'm with him.

We texted that last night while he was at work, and we haven't spoken all day, so it's just an awkward silence again. I don’t even know how to talk to him right now.

I’m going to read through that 180 article and see what else I can learn. Truly, thank you all again for the support.

Can you say a little more about their work situation? Are they in the same office? You say they don’t work closely together, what does that mean?

It’s one thing if they can be "no contact" at work because they work in different offices or something. If they’re in the same place, though, there’s no way you will ever be able to relax and trust that there’s actually no contact. And that assuming they haven’t just taken the A underground, or that it doesn’t flare back up.

They work in a company with different sections.

Either himself or a colleague in his department has to go to her section each morning to help set up. If anything goes wrong through out the day either himself or his colleague needs to attend. If it is something only he can deal with he has to go.

He works shifts, she does set days, although I don't know how true that is since she was at work the other day when she apparently doesn't work those days or times.

At the moment he cannot leave the job or move from there.

That is my main worry, it was what I worried about a few weeks ago.

He said I need to trust him again, he can not live with me constantly going on about it, bringing it up all the time and not trusting him.

I told him he has broken my trust so badly I don't know if I can ever trust him again and it certainly wouldn't have come back after a few weeks!

And I was proven right!

The more I type this out the more I see how much of a fool he thinks he thinks he can take me for!

He said I need to trust him again, he can not live with me constantly going on about it, bringing it up all the time and not trusting him.

Oh boy.

Sounds like he see this as a ‘you’ problem. You not trusting him, you constantly going on about it. Like his second affair in 5 years is some minor thing, not to mention the fact that he’s still seeing her and communicating with her. Why can’t you just leave him alone, Itsokay, he said he was sorry, what are you going to make him apologize for the rest of his life?

Sorry, that doesn’t work. Distrust isn’t really a choice. It’s a feeling in your gut. It’s a reflex. You can’t trust him, because he’s untrustworthy. No, you don’t need to trust him again. He needs to earn back your trust. That’s how this works.

I know this is hard, but you do not have much to work with here. My original advice still stands. Find out if she has a husband and contact him. Tell his parents. Please start on the 180 and talk to a lawyer.

Here’s a link you can read. In it Bigger explains his "Sandwich Speech". It’s one good approach to the conversation you need to have with your WH. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667020/trying-to-keep-calm-understanding-and-be-kind-but-im-so-hurt/?ap=201

Thank you. I will read that.

I know it just feels so hopeless at the moment. I don't know what his trying to do here.

She is younger and single. Seems to relish the attention but not want the relationship, and probably not the step kids and baggage! From the snippets I've seen.

Probably why his trying to cling on to the marriage

Funny thing is we have only been married 5 years but together 17 years. Maybe marriage wasn't the right choice for him as he has destroyed our vows twice.

It doesn't seem or feel like I have anything to work with. It all feels hopeless

Yet I am struggling to let go. Though that may be my grief talking.

I know I should give it time and not make rash choices but I don't see there's any choices left.

I can not trust him, he could tell me the sky is blue and the grass is green and I would go and check for myself.

Thank you for your replies, I will take all the advice form yourself and the others to heart.

My heart is broken and I am still angry, frustrated and sad.

Thank you. I will read that.

I know it just feels so hopeless at the moment. I don't know what his trying to do here.

She is younger and single. Seems to relish the attention but not want the relationship, and probably not the step kids and baggage! From the snippets I've seen.

Probably why his trying to cling on to the marriage

Funny thing is we have only been married 5 years but together 17 years. Maybe marriage wasn't the right choice for him as he has destroyed our vows twice.

It doesn't seem or feel like I have anything to work with. It all feels hopeless

Yet I am struggling to let go. Though that may be my grief talking.

I know I should give it time and not make rash choices but I don't see there's any choices left.

I can not trust him, he could tell me the sky is blue and the grass is green and I would go and check for myself.

Thank you for your replies, I will take all the advice form yourself and the others to heart.

My heart is broken and I am still angry, frustrated and sad.

I was in your shoes w/ my H having his 2nd affair and refusing to end it and kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW.

So I speak from experience.

Forget him & the marriage & everything else for a second. Let’s look at the history.

What are the consequences from affair #1? If you demanded very little and basically swept it under the rug, the Cheater expects the same result for the second affair.

His actions right now show you he is putting his own selfish feelings first and does not want to end the affair.

Even if he changes jobs and all that, if he wants to continue the affair he will find a way to do it.

While Bigger’s speech is spot on, the sticking point is that you must be willing to carry through with any boundaries or decisions you make.

My H strung me along for 6 months. When I finally reached my breaking point there was no going back. While I was reconciling (or thought we were) he was still cheating. The day I found out I was putting my plan B into action.

I was smart enough to plan for "what if R fails" so I had a solid exit strategy. A 30 second conversation occurred where I told him I was D him because I had no other choice. He was then free to go be with the OW or anyone else he wanted. I then Left the room.

I did the hard 180 b/c we were still living together. I didn’t speak to him unless the kids were around. He was not welcome to meals. I didn’t do his laundry. I didn’t buy food for him. And I didn’t do errands or favors.

He still thought he was in control. He tried to tell me things and I would just say "no" and leave the room. There were no discussions b/c what was the point?

48 hours of this and I saw him finally get the message. And then he started to make changes b/c he realized he had to if there was any hope of R.

He finally had true remorse (versus regret) and did everything he could, on his own, to Reconcile and make amends. He did it knowing there was no guarantee D was off the table. I didn’t tell him what I needed or wanted. It was up to him to figure it out.

The point is he changed b/c I changed. If he chose to stay he knew things had to be different.

ItsOkIAmFine - you can talk til you are blue in the face. Unless the cheater wants to stop cheating, they will continue to do so. Yes you can get mad and make demands and it may work for awhile. But in the end if they want to cheat they will.

It’s fine to decide what is best for you. But if you expect monogamy and the cheater is dragging their feet, most likely it won’t be successful or won’t last long.

You need to decide what is best for you and move in that direction. Professional counseling may help you to decide your future.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:37 PM, Friday, November 13th]