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Hello all, My husband and I were talking last night about the difference between reconciling and being reconciled. We have some fairly loose definitions of what those words mean to us, but I’m curious how others understand the distinction.

Do you see reconciliation as an ongoing process—something we continually return to through repair, understanding, and choosing each other? Or do you believe there is a point where a relationship can truly become reconciled, even though growth and repair continue?

I’d love to hear how others think about the distinction as we continue figuring out what reconciliation looks like in our marriage.

It is both.

You may feel reconciled on a given day or a period of days. During that time you could consider yourselves "reconciled".

He may get a serious trigger on a given day and spiral emotionally. My suggestion would be he come to you for reassurance, amends, etc. And IMO you should completely accommodate him. This could be considered still "Reconciling".

Now, IMO, in theory.... if you were to get defensive and annoyed that he brought up his trigger, citing you thought "we are already reconciled", then I would suggest you are further away from reconciliation than you had previously thought.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:06 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

My wife and I have had this conversation a few times. Just the other day, in fact. She was considering us "reconciled" and I corrected her to say "reconciling."

It is a fuzzy, amorphous concept. I think reconciliation can sometimes be a lifetime work in progress, but I wouldn't argue with someone who's 5 years out, virtually all triggers are nonexistent and the affair is just a crappy memory with no negative effects on day to day life anymore. If it can be talked about without any hard feelings and the pain is a distant memory that's always a good sign. I do think it's different for everyone tho, and it's not easy to put a time frame on it or point to any particular milestone(s).

I think anything less than a year would be far too soon to consider reconciled tho, and that's extremely optimistic under even the best conditions. 2 years or more is more realistic, imo. But again, everyone is different and people have different tolerance levels.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:22 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

I don't consider myself a "former BS" yet. I've seen it used, and maybe that's a level of healing that's possible.

If that's the bar for reconciled... I'm reconciling.

Personally, I feel "reconciled".

Thanks, WoodThrush2. I think you bring up an important point about continuing to respond with empathy when my husband experiences pain or triggers. I agree that becoming defensive or dismissive would be counterproductive, regardless of where we are in the healing process.

The only thing I’d add is that I think reconciliation also involves acknowledging the harm done to my husband while recognizing that reconciliation is about the marriage itself. It takes both of us, so while his healing is an essential part of reconciliation, I think reconciliation also includes the rebuilding of the relationship between both people.

Pogre, I think my current thought process leans more toward your model. I currently feel like reconciliation is an ongoing process that eventually settles into something that’s part of our history. What happened never disappears, but it no longer sits at the center of our marriage.

The irony for me is that, right now, this occupies more of my mental space than my husband’s. And before anyone asks, I don’t believe he’s minimizing or in denial. We’ve talked about that possibility many times. He says he’s accepted what happened, is still disappointed and sometimes disgusted by my choices, but doesn’t think I am disgusting. I checked. 😂

This0is0Fine, I’m curious about the distinction here — when you say you feel "reconciled," do you mean reconciled with what happened personally, or that you feel your marriage itself has been reconciled with your spouse while still acknowledging the harm that was done?

Part of why I asked this question is that I think my husband and I may be using the same words a little differently. I think it would help us to have shared goals and a shared understanding of what reconciliation looks like, but I’m still figuring out what those would even be for me. Has anyone ever intentionally sat down with their spouse and talked through what "reconciling" versus "reconciled" looked like for both of you and for your marriage?

[This message edited by NotMyIdentity at 6:24 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

This0is0Fine, I’m curious about the distinction here — when you say you feel "reconciled," do you mean reconciled with what happened personally, or that you feel your marriage itself has been reconciled with your spouse while still acknowledging the harm that was done?

I think the totality of reconciliation is multifaceted. One of the books I wouldn't recommend to a newcomer, but is great for people a little further in is "How Can I Forgive You" by Janice Spring where she talks about both acceptance and earned forgiveness.

I believe I have "accepted" the betrayal (again we have to be careful with words and definitions here) in the sense that I have dealt with the impact and it no longer brings me anxiety. So I've done my own personal work on that. I have also taken the opportunity of therapy to work on my personal issues and grow as a person. This helps with reconciliation for sure.

I believe my wife has "earned forgiveness". In doing what she can to be a safe partner again and demonstrating repeated behavior to earn back trust. The biggest thing here is "transference of vigilance" which she carries to this day. She is more concerned about going on a girls trip, a work happy hour, or the like than I am. She has also done the work to identify her thought patterns that allowed the affair. Primarily she was afraid to share pain or show weakness to me (because of foo), but isn't anymore (because of therapy and improved communication).

My wife and I work toward shared goals for our relationship and for our family. We also take an appropriate amount of time to work towards individual goals or hobbies to value ourselves.

I've been posting for 6 going on seven years now. So I've sort of made it through the 2-5 year window. I think if you go back and look at posts I made in the 2-5 year window, I might have said, "reconciliation is a process that lasts forever" at some point. And maybe that's technically true, but there come point long after the bone wearing time of working constantly at R in the first year or two, to working a little bit at R and coping with triggers, to feeling like you have "done the work" and it isn't about R anymore. Then, you are reconciled.

I think we are reconciled with regard to some things, reconciling other things, and I am still working through grief and anger on other things.

The things I consider reconciled include:

-he has had 7 affairs
-every affair was 100% his choice and not my fault in any way
-the boundaries we have clearly in place going forward, including consequences of crossing those boundaries
-rules regarding how we communicate and repair

Reconciling these things:
-his tendency to avoid and rugsweep
-revealing information without sugarcoating or omitting hard truths
-his acting subservient now, but I just want an equal relationship

Grief and anger still:
-being gaslighted
-not able to believe I know the actual truth because he lied so easily for so long
-his continuing to lie even though he could clearly see my mental state was destroyed because of his lies

So maybe it’s an ongoing process, and certain aspects start moving off the table as they are resolved?

My view (definitely not 'the view'; others have different thoughts on this) from 15 years out:

For me, it doesn't make much of a difference. Does it for you? If so, I recommend figuring out what the differences are. They may be important to you; they may not be.

One way of conceptualizing Reconciling is 'building a new M.' This my main view. The process includes resolving issues, building bonds, (re)connecting with each other, etc. IMO, one aspect of virtually every A is that the WS is not honest about the issues that matter most to the WS, and R includes developing the courage to share one's priorities, concerns, discomforts - and comforts, joys, etc. Initially, the issues are primarily related to the betrayal.

As the A-related issues get resolved, day-to-day issues replace them, and they need to get resolved. The same skills developed in R are used to resolve the day-to-day issues. The process is the same. At the same time, people change over time, so a couple needs to continue to adjust connections to new circumstances.

IOW and IMO, then, R morphs into M. That's why I have no trouble with the proposition that R continues for the rest of a couple's life together. Even without betrayal, life is resolving issues, maintaining and adjusting connections, feeling, thinking....

At some point, some of us declare victory, but life before and after declaring victory isn't much different. It's like a birthday or anniversary - the day is just one day different from the day before and the day after.

Unlike b'days and anniversaries, though, each of us gets to choose when to declare we're reconciled. Each of us gets to and must decide for themselves when they're no longer in the R process.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:11 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

NMI-

Do you see reconciliation as an ongoing process—something we continually return to through repair, understanding, and choosing each other?

As I learned with everything in life, there is no spiking the ball at an end line, especially with ongoing relationships.

Sort of like Sisoon noted, our R became our M.

Choosing our path together every new day is very empowering.

That power kicked in when I let go of the outcome.

So, it wasn't until I was healed up enough to get my feet beneath me to figure out what I wanted from life, much less a marriage.

Just over ten years beyond discovery day, we're at peace, and love is a big part of what we've rebuilt.

I would say IC/MC helped us repair our FOO communication lines (my family overshares, every minor emotion, her family has never talked about anything important -- the weather is as much as they share).

The rest of it was aiming for kindness, looking at what we could give versus take from the other.

That was our R process and now it is our lives.

For me, part of my peace is that I will always hate the A. I will never be glad it is a part of our story.

I can hate what happened and still allow for better, stronger days in the now.