SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I’ve been married 3 years with my husband for coming up 9 years.
I had a feeling he was being unfaithful as was receiving messages on social media giving me hints. I then recorded him and tracked his movements and found out everything. It had been going on a year- work colleague. Initially they were friends and he could lean on her emotionally, then began sleeping with her on occasions. She fell pregnant and had a termination.

If I never received the messages to my social media I wouldn’t have had a clue- my husband has been good to me and his behaviour never changed he remained consistent with me and in the home. And I know he loves me.

I’m angry as I approached him many times asking him if he is seeing someone and he gaslighted me and made me think it was someone being spiteful. He claimed all was untrue.

Since he has admitted things and I’ve also spoken to the other woman. He has taken full accountability and will seek therapy for him to help him understand why he made these choices. I do admit I was not there emotionally for my husband and I didn’t care or nurture him for some time, but this was because I had a gut instinct that he was doing something I just couldn’t prove it. I can’t be fake and although we slept together I didn’t pay him much mind at all. However this is no excuse for his behaviour.

He wants his family back and says he has blocked the other woman and will have no further contact, he says he will do whatever it takes for me to trust him again and he will not quit trying. We have also started couples therapy.

I’m conflicted- I love my husband dearly but I feel he has told so many lies , I’m unsure I’ll ever trust him again. He has always been good to me but this hurts more that he was able to live 2 different lives.

I need advice support from others who got through this. I don’t know what to do.

Jojo121:

Very, very sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive great support. Please read in the healing library, and the pinned posts. Lots of good information here. Always value yourself! Your WH risked your health and your M with his infidelity. He had unprotected sexual contact with his AP resulting in her pregnancy. This is a brutal betrayal. Get tested for STDs, and your WH needs to be tested as well. You have suffered a betrayal trauma. If available, do seek IC with a therapist trained in betrayal trauma.

Do not let him blame you for his cheating. Do not suffer guilt that you somehow caused him to cheat. He cheated because of his own brokenness and because he wanted to do it. You deserve complete transparency and honesty, and have all of your questions answered. Do not be gaslighted. You now know that your WH is capable of dishonesty and cheating. Watch his actions and not his words. Is he remorseful or defensive. Honest or hiding things. You have not been married that long. Can you investigate whether you can make a post nuptial agreement where you live? Where he agrees to your needs in writing should you decide to D.

Most importantly take care of yourself. Eat healthy and exercise. Get out with friends. I would be careful with couples counseling. The counselor’s goal is to save the M. But your M didn’t fail, your WH failed you. If the counselor begins to accord blame to the M for his cheating, fire the counselor and find one trained in infidelity. Best of luck.