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My marriage of 30 years is in jeopardy after my wife finally admitted to a long affair that happened about ten years ago. I’m trying to work past it with her but she is very reluctant. She has given me the trickle of information which of course is probably not finished. (We’re up to her performing oral sex "4 or 5 times" on a guy that she had a two year relationship with.)
The other guy was a hockey trainer that my son was working with. She says she grew closer to him during that time. Then she started going to his house to work out at his garage every week (without my knowledge and with his wife and kids home as well). The affair started around that time. She claims it was just making out and what I mentioned above. She claims she never even met up with him anywhere but there.
This was a place that my son would also go to work out. She would bring my daughter to pick my son up and stand around chatting with this guy and my kids.
At one point, I think a few months after it getting physical, I got so suspicious that I looked at her phone records and saw the ridiculous amount of communication between her and this guy who was just supposed to be training my son.
I confronted her and she came back with the usual, just a friend, can’t a woman have a "guy friend", nothing going on. All this while I didn’t even know she was "working out" at his house. I tried to be mature about it and let it go.
Later, something made me ask her about it again and she admitted that she had been secretly going to his garage to exercise. Then when I told her I wanted to see her phone, she dumped all of her texts with him. I told her she had to end it but I want her to text him to end it and I will read them. She claims to have done this but then deleted those texts as well.
We got a new trainer for my son and she claims to have never seen him again. I used to check her phone usage and expenses and I think it stopped.
Recently (10 years later) it came up again because it had always caused friction. After arguing about it, she attempted suicide. We spent three weeks in the hospital during which I told her we could work through anything and get past it. Well she’s out of the hospital and she started trickling out information about a week ago. She’ll never bring it up but it is all I can think about. She won’t talk unless forced to and then I have to wade through the lies, convenient forgetfulness and minimization.
I’ve told her that I want to work through it but she has to participate. She’s going to therapy on her own because she obviously has additional issues so we’re delaying couples therapy for now. Still, I’m trying to wrap my head around the extent of this betrayal and with her still holding back, I can’t. She says she wants to work it out but doesn’t follow up on it.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Sorry you’re here.

Given what she’s told you, if thinking of the rest makes her suicidal, then the rest is worse. Maybe she thinks oral is not "all the way", but intercourse will be a deal killer. And maybe having to face that she went all the way is too much for her, even if it might not be for you.

Give her therapy a little time; insist that she discuss her affair with her therapist. Maybe then she’ll be able to discuss it with you.

Maybe you should talk to a therapist as well, for advice on the best way to approach this with her. You don’t want to precipitate something awful.

To have any hope of getting past this, I think she has to discuss it with you. A lot.

Best wishes.

P. S. Can a wife have a guy friend? Nope. Just, nope.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 8:01 PM, Saturday, March 14th]

Thanks for responding, I appreciate you listening. Yes to therapy for me to starting next week. I just hope she’ll go to therapy and tell the truth. Thanks!

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you've definitely come to the right place. There's a wealth of knowledge and a bunch of really bright people here who've experienced what you're experiencing now.

The only other thing I wanted to say is cheaters lie and minimize a lot. It's one of their primary tools to control the narrative and flow of information. Your wayward wife (WW) is no different.

Thanks for responding, I appreciate you listening. Yes to therapy for me to starting next week. I just hope she’ll go to therapy and tell the truth. Thanks!

Yes, VM. All these years I thought she was different and would not be able to sneak around and just outright lie. I’ve known her since she’s 18 and we’re in our 50’s. I used to think cheating was something mostly done by men. Now I know what people mean when they say women are treacherous.

Cheating is a character flaw.

Usually associated with
- Low Self- worth
- People Pleasing
- Avoidance / Emotional Compartmentalization
- Self - Sabotage

It causes Trauma and PTSD to the Betrayed (that's why you can't move past it, is impossible unless both the BS and WS go through a ton of work, it will always come back because the real root issue was never addressed).

You need to Detach, she needs to be able to put in the work to resolve the issue - which is not attempting suicide, that is another symptom of the same issue - until now she is running away from facing the mirror and rugswept something that neither she nor you can rugsweep.

For the good of both you must address it.
Love is not enough unless you face the real issues you both have. (Your Betrayal Trauma and her "Betrayal Seed")

Thanks, and I appreciate you reading my story. My wife is probably the poster-child for all of the things you mentioned above. She also has a large amount of self-pity which I think she uses to excuse herself. Believe me, we aren’t going anywhere without extensive therapy for both of us and us together. Thanks again!

There is a thread in the ‘I can relate’ forum called ‘For those who found out years later’. There might be some useful insight for you there.

Thanks, just reading some of this stories makes me feel lucky. Things could always be worse!

Hi, I'm sorry you're here. Has she improved after self-harming? Do you really want to fix this, or are you staying because of the children or out of fear that she'll hurt herself again? What books have you read?

I’m sorry you are suffering through this. You have received from great advice from prior posts so no need to repeat.

My experience is that my H had 2 affairs. The second affair was the most damaging b/c it was a midlife crisis affair and he was kicking me to the curb for the much younger other woman (OW).

I can tell you that nothing will change unless you change. Unfortunately your wife is counting on the fact that she can control the situation, you will accept the truth coming out in dribs and drabs, AND that she will be able to continue to manipulate you.

Because that is typical cheater behavior.

While I thought we were reconciling my H was still cheating. That was when I knew I had no choice but to D him. I did the hard 180 and kicked him to the curb. After the holidays I had an appointment scheduled with a divorce mediator. I didn’t speak to him or engage w/ him on any level.

For two days he thought he was still in control of the situation. When I started standing up for myself and saying "no" he realized he had no ability to control everything.

Somehow by the grace of God we were able to Reconcile. But is a very different marriage b/c I changed and stopped being a doormat and took away his power to control everything in our marriage.

My suggestions are that you stop letting your wife play the victim and get away with her behavior to manipulate you and your marriage.

She has to know you will be strong enough to walk away if you don’t start getting the full truth from her. And that cannot be an idle threat - you have to be prepared to do it.

She needs to know that you are not afraid of divorce or leaving her.

LFH, I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

I know you said your wife attempted suicide after you argued about her affair. But has she told you why she made the attempt?

There are lots of reasons why people cheat, but it seems it me that one commonality that all cheaters have is selfishness. I just don’t think you can have an affair without that ingredient. People often say that suicide is a fundamentally selfish act. So I’m wondering if her reasons were those (e.g., I felt so guilty, I felt so ashamed, I felt like you’re never going to forgive me or you’re going to leave me, etc.)?

Both of my mother’s brothers killed themselves. One jumped out a high window and one put a pistol in his mouth. I mention this because neither man had any change of surviving like your wife did. They weren’t making "attempts". I don’t really know how to ask this tactfully, but do you believe your wife’s attempt was bona fide, or do you think she’s trying to manipulate you?

One other thought. You should talk to the OBS. If she doesn’t know already, she ought to know. Telling her is the right thing to do. In addition, she may have or be able to obtain additional information for you.

I urge you to remember that you're an autonomous human being. You have your own agenda, whether you realize it or not.

To R, you and your W need to fit together well. To find our if you do have a good enough fit, you both need to be clear and explicit about what you want. If your wants and dont-wants conflict, you'll need to resolve the conflict or D - otherwise, one of you will doom yourself to an unfulfilled life, and that's an unstable situation.

IOW, make healing your first, most important goal. If you heal, you'll know what's the optimal resolution for your M.

I'm really sorry you qualify for membership here. You won't always feel as bad as you do now. The way to heal, IMO, is to face your pain - that's what lets it go.

The suicide attempt complicates an already terrible situation. This is where a counselor for you and one for her can be valuable in assessing when she is ready to deal with her betrayal. When getting a counselor for her make sure that person is highly experienced and has dealt with infidelity before. They will likely put the A on the back burner of course but once she is ready, you need someone who has dealt with infidelity and understands that it isn't primarily caused by problems in the marriage or with the spouse but by internal issues in the person who cheated. Not all counselors understand this and some have destructive views about infidelity that will work against you. If her immediate post hospital counselor does not have the experience and perspective she could always change to another person later but it would be easier, potentially, to have the right person up front.

There was a person here years ago whose wife was very remorseful after her affair was exposed and was hospitalized for an attempt on her life. Some months later while separated and moving toward D, to the family's surprise, she did take her life. The betrayed husband in that situation was calm and quite supportive of her when hospitalized but eventually decided against R. I do not believe you should rugsweep or be cornered into R because of this but am mentioning it to show the risk displayed by a failed suicide attempt is real.

[This message edited by Trdd at 4:56 PM, Sunday, March 15th]

Thanks to everyone who responded. We both start therapy this week, separately. Hopefully we’ll start with a MC soon.
My wife’s suicide attempt was by pills and was real enough to severely damage her liver and harm her kidneys, but she’s recovering. I’m not sure if it was a grand avoidance technique or a real attempt. She told me about it shortly after taking the pills. That could be seen as a little manipulative but I didn’t really think of that at the time.
Thanks to everyone’s comments, I am starting to see the manipulative way she undermines our conversations about the affair. She is shocked and gets angry when I call her out on it, of course, but she’ll have to get used to it. I’m trying to get some things straight in my mind before I start therapy.
Someone asked if I’m reading any books. No, this site has been a great help but any book suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks again to everyone.

Hello,
Sorry you've joined us here. My story is similar in that I found out about a 2 year affair my husband had 12 years later when the OW contacted me out of spite as she had had another affair and her marriage has broken down.
I guess I was 'lucky' in that my husband admitted all the gory details within a few days ... unprotected sex, sex when the OW was pregnant, sexting whilst I was pregnant.
Your wife probably has some sordid secrets that she is too ashamed to tell you but you can't heal and reconcile if you don't know what you are dealing with.
I found with my husband he was able to open up more via text and it was easier for him to write things he had done rather than say them. That might be an option for your wife?
Finally, women in general aren't treacherous neither are men in general...I have never cheated and there are plenty of betrayed men and women on here who would never cheat.. we have just been unlucky enough to marry people (men and women) who have the characteristics back from the storm listed. Please don't let this taint your view of all women.