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We had been married for 13 years and together for 18 when DD#2 happened. That was roughly 5 1/2 months ago. We are choosing the R path.
How does everyone view marriage after something like this has happened? Do we change what our view of what a husband is? The idea of marriage and husband/wife just makes me so sad. He was always so supportive and caring towards me. I would have never thought he would have chosen the path he did. I have lost some trust in my own senses because he never changed anything about how he acted towards me or any of his behaviour.
The first time I caught him, I thought he was remorseful and he had stopped it on his own (although Ive since learned it wasn't because he gained some morals but because it was veering into EA instead of just a sexual affair) so I was able to forgive him and we lived 12 more years where nothing was happening. Then he started again and I caught him. I just feel like I want to be with him but our vows are broken. I had to take off my wedding ring. I feel like we are together but not married. I have a generic ring on my finger just so people don't ask questions. It makes me so sad that I feel like our vows didn't mean the same to him as me because ultimately, I don't think you can be committed to someone sometimes and not others. He is getting IC and dealing with a lot of childhood trauma this time around. Can I trust that he won't do anything again because he is getting help? Isn't it such a terrible thing - that we have to trust in a situation that was so deceitful?

Sorry for the rant but I am having a really rough night.

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

I'm about the head out the door so I don't have time for a full response, but I wanted you to know that you're heard.

What do you want? For me, I told him if he had another A or sexual contact with somebody other than me, then we would D. He crossed the boundary, and now we're D.

I'm not changing my viewpoint of what a husband is. I do know that if I have another relationship, that I probably won't have 100% trust but I'm not even sure I want another relationship.

Can I trust that he won't do anything again because he is getting help?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it? It may depend upon if he does the work to change to be a safe partner. Right now, it may be too early to tell. Watch his actions to see if he is changing. It still isn't a guarantee that he won't do it again, but there's no guarantee that he will do it again.

Leafields:

what do I want?

I do want to be with him. I have set clear boundaries on what is not allowed and considered cheating and grounds for a D.

Watch his actions to see if he is changing. It still isn't a guarantee that he won't do it again, but there's no guarantee that he will do it again.

I see him doing a lot of work. More than I have ever seen. He is trying to be as supportive of me throughout this and seems to understand how truly hurtful and traumatizing his actions were. As for his behaviour changing, this is a tough one. He was always supportive and caring. He didn’t act any different during his cheating episodes so it scares me that he could just do it again. He has been forthcoming with passwords and his phone but from the research I have done, there are SO many ways to cheat and hide it well. It’s so scary and frustrating.
He has told me on occasion that he doesn’t know how I’ve stayed because of all the hurt and has asked how I can still be with him. I told him the hurt is there regardless if I am with him because he has hurt me so. I also told that I don’t know how I would trust anyone even if I did leave him because I would have never thought he would have done something like this.

Sacredsoul: thanks for you support!

This is a great question Trying. I often feel like my marriage now does not look, to me, the way a traditional marriage should nor what the outside world sees.

I’m Australian so you have to be separated for a year before you can officially divorce and that reason alone is why I am still married.

I am OK to remain as a couple but for me the marriage is over. It can’t be saved or recovered. Those vows were very important to me and he broke them in the most horrible way. He has shown true remorse and works hard at trying to be a safe partner and better himself as a whole.

So now we are by law still a married couple / family that lives together, has fun couple and family events and is somewhat planning a future together. I sometimes wear my wedding rings and sometimes not. I also rarely introduce him as my husband anymore but rather my partner.

He knows if he ever does this again even is being together will be an option no longer available for him. I have my finances sorted and a shared custody plan in case of this. I also must remain happy. If this arrangement stops bringing joy (not counting the turmoil I still face due to his A) then im also out.

When I right it down or say it out loud I realise it might sound a bit pessimistic or not really what most consider R but for me, for now this is what my marriage looks like and I’m ok with that.

Webbit: This! This is exactly how I feel. How long has it been since you discovered the A?

Trying - it’s been about 18 months since my D-Day

Webbit: did you find that there was a point that things got a little easier to deal with? I guess the acceptance stage of things..

For me it’s only very recent probably only for the last month or so. Maybe I’ll feel different in the future but for now this is where it’s at.

I think the confusion about how I felt was the worse part. Like how can you despise someone’s actions but still love them? Settling into a new ‘comfortable’ has been tricky!!

Webbit - I totally agree! This is all very conflicting. I want to go to the person whom I have received the most comfort from and yet he's the one who has hurt me the most. Do you find that your new "comfortable" is a stage of calm or are you still hyper aware so you don't miss any signs of cheating?

Trying44,

I’ve lived my whole life exactly where you are.

I don’t recommend it.

Yes I am comfortable but still vigilant. It helps that WH is now more communicative about everything ie tells me all about his days, his feelings etc.

To some degree I guess living like this, in a marriage where you don’t feel ‘married’ is settling. And as I said im ok with it for now at least. But maybe I won’t be ok with it next year or 10 years from now.

How does everyone view marriage after something like this has happened? Do we change what our view of what a husband is?

Hi TTS44,

I’m 16 months past Dday so still fairly "fresh" to the pain of it all. This is such a tough and painful question and I’m not even sure how to answer it, but I will do my best.

My pre-A marriage wasn’t much of a marriage to begin with and my post-A marriage is currently in a state of TBD. I very much *believe* I hated my H prior to the A, things were just so bad between us and what we had before wasn’t a marriage. He became super entitled and had his head shoved so far up his ass that I literally thought there was no hope in hell he would be able to pull it out. Dday comes and the reality of his shitty-ness is laid out right in front of him. He has the choice to look hard in the mirror and fix himself/what he’s done to his family or continue being a shit person.

Fast forward. We have actually come along way in our marriage since October 2023. I would have bet my life that my H would never of opened his eyes to the person he had become. He sees value in me and what I do for the family, whereas he never did before. He very much has a new respect for me and his children … a respect that he lost somewhere along the way. It’s truly a miracle!

I’m kinda similar in feelings currently mimicking what Webbit describes. "By law" we are married, but at the moment I don’t really "feel" married or even committed to him in the sense of "sickness and health, richer for poorer" kinda thing - he very much voided that by being a self-centred pig. Also, I cringe using the word "husbsnd" … I feel like he has to earn that title back and for me to genuinely feel he deserves it. I also haven’t worn my rings since well before Dday, and I actually handed them back to him telling him that he can keep his "circles of lies." It bothers him I don’t wear them … oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️

Right now I’m "ok" with where things are. I can confidently say I don’t hate him anymore so I consider that a step in the right direction. I know for a fact that I don’t want to be in a marriage where this is the norm, because there really is nothing normal about this. I feel that it’s important for there to be genuine love, laughter, kindness, happiness and respect (among other things) - if that can’t be achieved then I will not remain in the marriage. Right now I have slight glimpses of this "better marriage," which is why I’m still here. The 2-5 "healing" rule is something I’m aiming for … knowing it will more likely be close to the latter of that.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 12:26 AM, Thursday, February 27th]

Bump

Heartbrokenwife23 - I just saw this reply now. So so sorry for the late reply. Thank you for sharing your story and perspective. I am having a considerably hard day today. I am 7 months after numerous ddays. I still feel so broken. I told him today that I regret not walking away when I was younger and saw red flags. Probably not the best thing to be so insanely blunt but it is truly how I am feeling.
I am reading more and more about how people are saying 3-4 years until you start to really feel better about the situation and start to move on. That feels like a mighty large hill to trudge up considering I am struggling so early on. I cant refer to him as my husband either. The word tastes like ashes in my mouth. I haven't worn my rings in so many months. I definitely feel like whatever marriage we have is no longer existent. I am still holding out hope for a better foundation and to build up from there but I am hurting. My spouse showed appreciation and support and all that stuff all throughout but had major intimacy issues and then on top of it was cheating. It not only takes away my trust from him but from myself because I couldn't see any difference in what he was doing or acting. It also makes it all feel so fake. How does a person tell you they love you and care about you and then cheat on you? I truly cannot wrap my mind around that at all. I know I am on the other side of things where I mean what I say with how I feel and wouldn't cheat - totally congruent! His actions were not. Ugh. This is so hard.