SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Re telling OBS: I'm considering asking a trusted friend to do some digging for me. I did some digging, but I don't even know her name. AP has made his FB friends list private (I'm willing to bet he did that very recently), so no luck there.

Make it a condition for you to even *consider* R that she must fully disclose AP’s name, and absolutely everything else she knows about him to you. You could send a certified letter addressed to OBS that must be delivered into her hands. If you’re motivated, you can find a way. Hoping you don’t make the mistake so many do by protecting the AP by keeping silent. It’s also one of the very best things you can do to ensure this treason doesn’t start back up. Don’t learn the hard way. Inform OBS.

She’ll just warn him, though. Pay the $20 from spokeo or whatever people use these days. The details are all public, sometimes they just aren’t in the first place that we check.

Try. True people search .
It is pretty accurate. Shows even how much I owe on a rental property.

Guys, to clarify: I know AP’s name. I know a lot about him because he has an online presence. But from digging through his socials, I cannot find anything about his wife. Either he’s good at separating his online profile from his personal life, or he’s panicked and removed anything that may lead me in that direction. So again, I can’t look her up because I don’t know her name.

GuzmanLyrebird, I hope you aren’t feeling ganged up on about telling OBS. Everyone’s focused on this because it works, among other moral/ethical reasons.

Here’s a very recent example: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667349/72-hours-since-finding-out-and-in-so-much-pain-any-advice-appreciated/?ap=81

Beetrain got to the OBS through her sister-in-law. AP promptly threw his WW in the bin. It didn’t save their marriage because his WW was pretty much checked out of the M already, but it did end her affair.

People are just banging on about it because you want to R and it will make a difference.

Oh man, I can feel how heartbroken and devastated you are. And rightly so. Those of us who have been served this crap sandwich and made to eat it can relate to all the feels. It is the absolute worst.

When I had a widowmaker heart attack a few years ago and spent 29 days in the hospital, some of it in a coma, going through heart surgeries, being shocked back to life three times with electric paddles, etc... and people would say "This must be the worst thing you have ever been through!"

I would say to myself "You have no idea. This is nothing compared to what I have been through with my ex-wife. This is a walk in the park compared to that."

I don’t know if marriage licenses are public info in the UK, but if they are, search for his name through the licensing division and you’ll find her name.
Other than that, all those people search services will give you a treasure trove of info.

The UK has public marriage records. FreeBMD or whatever is probably fine to do the first few searches but there are also a number of cheap paid services that’ll assuredly also have the info. It’s like $20.

Putting the OBS stuff to one side for a bit, last week was difficult. Was invited to go out for lunch for my friend’s birthday with his wife and another guy I hadn’t met. I was so weirdly nervous about it. And then being there, I was so anxious and uncomfortable I lasted about an hour before I made my excuses and left, then sat in the car and sobbed uncontrollably for a while before driving home, where I collapsed into a quivering wreck. Whatever social anxiety I had before has been cranked up to the max it seems. I want to 180, but it feels impossible when I feel like this.

Then over the weekend, WW and I took the kids to dinner with some friends and their kids who were visiting from abroad, plus my sister. It was so awkward for me. Needless to say, I had to fight to stop the mind movies playing over in my head while pretending everything’s normal. And being around these people, or most people really, just plays into my insecurities about my life and my career (or lack thereof), and my place in the world. Tried to engage, but said very little. Had to take myself to the toilet at one point to have a little cry. I feel like a sulking child, while my dear WW is incredibly skilled at compartmentalising - she can act like everything’s A-OK brilliantly, regaling everyone with tales of her wonderful career, and how she’s in such a great place now.

I’ve always felt a little bit like this, that I’m not worthy of sitting at the grown-up table, and this whole experience feels like the final confirmation - I’m not even worth being faithful to. I’m trying not to spiral here, maybe I’m just venting - I have to find my self-worth within myself, not other people or my WW. I get it. My counsellor says if I’m ever going to forgive my wife, I first have to forgive myself. Well OK. But if I can barely get through an hour in public, how can I rebuild my life?

Dear Friend,

The "not being well" and breaking down crying....ALL NORMAL. I had same thing for several months. It is actually part of the healing process. Don't fight this grief. Feel it, let it do its work...and make no mistake...it is doing work.

Do you have a Betrayal Trauma Specialist?

Watch her as you go through this. If she truly were in a place conducive to recovery, she would be entirely focused on your pain and providing you with comfort. If she is not, let that teach you. Let it help you detach from her.

You will get stronger. What helped me was God literally giving me comfort. He will do the same for you if you seek him. 🙏