SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Definitely let her know how you are feeling. I think openness is a key factor.

I think a part of the problem might be feeling the issues and then having all the work focused on fixing them. It’s like… if she offered something new in the bedroom you would be thinking if this is what OM got, and she is constantly thinking of some emotional block…

Two suggestions:
Arrange dates… Not the typical dinner, movie and sex date. But rather "dates" were you simply do something one of you wants to do. Or even stuff neither of you really wants to do.
Like… Spend next Saturday shoe-shopping at some humongous mall. You try your best to really have a POV on if the brown shoes are nicer than the tan ones. Don’t say a word when she tries on 16 pairs and doesn’t buy any. Don’t say a word when she does. Just spend time together doing something she might enjoy. (This is actually something I did with my wife, and I think she realized the effort I had to make to seem enthusiastic – a big connection for her.)
Then a week later – Maybe hike up that peak you two have always talked about hiking.
Or go skating. Go to a driving range. Or a shooting range. Or go ride bicycles. Rent a kayak.
The goal is to simply disengage from your issues and expectations. Just spend time together doing stuff… and maybe you two start enjoying each others company…

Definitely be kinky to have sex on a kayak though….

Second suggestion:
See a sex therapist. Or visit a sex-shop.
If that’s too rich, then maybe get some sex-book and you both commit to working through the chapters… Decide to have "sessions" on fixed days, so you both know that next Wednesday is the "Double-reverse-scorpion-impaled-on-a-lioness in chapter 5". Or that’s when you come home to her dressed as a nurse or whatever. Step outside your mutual comfort-zone, constantly remembering that it’s all fun and it’s OK to feel stupid. You will be doing something together that is yours, and nobody else’s.

1. The WS figuratively crawls on broken glass to repair the damage they caused.

This has always bothered me.

The best a WS can do after deciding they want R is to be honest, loving, and willing to work to vhange from cheater to good partner. The WS is the primary beneficiary of that work.

2. In a situation where there were sexual things being done with the OM that were either rare or non-existent in the marriage, the WS puts forth 10X to their BS the effort they gave the OM.

I wasn't going to R, I thought, unless my W treated me better than she treated ow. (She did, so I don't know what I'd have done if she hadn't.)

I think focusing on sex acts given to the ap is a mistake and a trap. Instead, I think the BS will be better off if tey focus on figuring out what they want and asking for it, irrespective of what WS and ap did.

*****

WRT the always D proposition, I'm working on a hypothesis about openness to R. What I think I've seen over the last 15 years is that some BSes think the A is about their own failure or about being targeted by their WS, and some BSes think the A is about their WS's failure. It's hard to R if one thinks the A is about themself and less hard if the A is about the WS.

That leads to 6 combos: 1) BS thinks the A is about themself, and the A is about themself; 2) BS thinks the A is about themself, and the A is about WS; 3) BS thinks the A is about WS, and the A is about WS; 4) BS thinks the A is about WS, and the A is not about WS; 5) an A is always about the BS themself; 6) an A is always about the WS.

Feelingvunerable,

There’s not a single line in your last post that isn’t completely correct. Don’t you second guess any of those thoughts or feelings.

Should you tell her all this again? I guess you can, although didn’t you do that already and all you got was a short 1 month performance play out of her?
Some WS just do not go 100% in until they see actions that signal the BS is moving on. I don’t really know how to feel about that being the catalyst, as like you, I would expect the WS to just go batshit crazy trying to recover their relationship after discovery instead of having to first watch their BS start moving out.
But it does happen only that way in a lot of cases.

It’s hard to take that first step. I know it. Everyone else here that had to do it knows it. Now the good thing about that, if after she sees you looking for alternative housing and making appointments with attorneys, she still does nothing, you’ll know that this is the way it was going to be no matter what you could have said or done.

...she always said that any of the sexual acts she performed for him, she didn't enjoy or particularly like, but admitted that she did them to keep him engaged with her on the seriously great emotional relationship that had..

Ouch!!!

Rare admission coming. I married rather late in life (38yo). Before meeting her, I had lots of lovers, short and long(ish) term relationships. My exww was the least sexually adventurous of them all. She made up for that in plenty of other ways. Still, I always wanted more.

If this is an irreconcilable difference for you, then so be it. If it's something you can live with (or rather, without) then you'll have to accept it.

Tough dilemma, no doubt.

I continue to follow this thread to see where this marriage is going.

Your date of discovery or joining here is 12/24. Assume that’s 18 months of being in Reconciliation.

I think the therapist was trying to give a "reason" for her decision to cheat - SHE felt disconnected. Same crap my H gave me except he kept saying "we were disconnected". Except I wasn’t. He was and that was his CHOICE.

I can tell you from experience that I am one of the lucky ones who have happily reconciled. DrSoolers wording that some people here "claim to be happily reconciled" is his own opinion. I am here to tell you I am very happy. It’s a fact.

As part of my journey to peace and happiness I had to:

Get past the fact my H was kicking me to the curb during his last mid life crisis affair

Get past the ugly side I saw of him during his last affair

Get past it was his 2nd affair

And all the other crap that goes along with being betrayed

Whether you D or R or whatever, the affair and all its implications are always going to be there. In order to be happy as a betrayed, you have to get past soooooo much. You have to accept that the cheaters put their affair first — and often become someone completely different as they live in a fantasy.

I resented the fact that my H communicated with the OW on a completely different level. A level I had not seen from him in years. I got the sane old boring conversations while she got attention and emails that were deep and heartfelt.

But it’s been 12+ years from Dday2 of affair 2 and I have seen a very different level of interaction from my H. He shows me how lucky he is that we are still together. He goes out of his way to show me how much he loves me.

Now I could live in the past (which is easy to do). But I choose not to. When triggers occur I have to remind myself to stay present. Focus on "where we are today" and not the past.

It took me 3 years to get to that place. The first 3 years I was very resentful of his lying & cheating etc. I wasn’t sure R was going to work. I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him sometimes as I was so very angry.

By healing myself and recognizing that I had to be happy no matter what, I realized I was happier w/ him than D. I was ready to D my H and I’m not sure how he turned it around, but he did.

If you are going to remain unhappy because of the sexual aspect of the affair, honestly my recommendation is to Divorce. Now. Move on. Don’t remain miserable and unhappy and resentful.

Life is too short.

Your kids will survive a D, especially if you. Co-parent well together. Put the kids first. Don’t put them in the middle of the D or drama.

I hope this helps you.

Wife’s had wisdom.

Read it few times.

It’s clarity and you want that. You will know you have it as emotions will match it and give you peace.